happy in the haze of a drunken hour

I know, I haven’t written a bunch but, honestly I haven’t had a real day off in a few weeks now, and have been working 10-12 hour days consistently. I can’t complain because busy means “paid” and paid is good. Basically, there’s a gov’t program right now giving people a lot of money for their crappy gas guzzling vehicles. So people are buying new cars. So yeah. I’m busy. And tired a lot. And summer is FINALLY here and I seem to be working on all the really “good” days, which is sad, but….

Things are settling. Strangely enough I’ve found support and strength from a not entirely unlikely source, but certainly unexpected. I’m feeling more and more validated about how I’ve worked through things since February. And more confident in that some of my observations and thoughts are actually shared by others and not just out on a limb type things that I made up in my grief and anger. Which is a good thing.

And I’m slowly. Like. R.e.a.l.l.y. slowly starting……to get to know someone a lot better. And thinking seriously about you know, opening the door again and letting her know me a little better as well. It’s nice. I’ve never “dated” like this before. I’m starting to love my house with vigor – especially now that I have things like a painted living room, and a couch, and….space that feels like it’s all mine, all the time.

And my Mom’s coming up in a week. She had a heart attack scare two weeks ago. I didn’t write about it because the reality was 1)it really wasn’t a huge deal and 2)i was really really really fucking scared that I was going to have to deal with something (again) that would be the end of so much for me and my family that…it was maybe just too hard to write about. But she’s fine, and feeling much better and she’ll be here in a week. Yay.

For now? Thunder is kind of rumbly and it’s hot and unstable, but cool enough to sleep w/o a fan or a/c (which is good because I left that with s) but the windows open and the breeze off the water lulling me to dreamland.

i know me very well (at least as far as i can tell)

and I know what I need….

Protected: oh yeah (same pswd for “in progress”)

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just keep swimming

It’s 4:10 on Sunday afternoon. After spending last night enjoying the INCREDIBLE Kings of the Hill show here in town, and spending my morning at a few garage sales and buying paint, and spending the afternoon painting trim in my living room (see, writing about my failure to get things done has motivated me enough to fix things) I am now….in my awesome 60’s reclining chair.

Legs up.

Holy shit.

SB came over, we signed the contracts that we’d gone over a few weeks ago, and he did his thing in about 4 minutes. It was less creepy than I thought it was going to be. It’s still weird. But now I’m just excited. And I think that wearing my “fortune’s favour” tee shirt can’t be a bad thing.

I feel very little pressure. I feel very little stress about this. I’m hopeful that this may work, either now or in subsequent months, but…I’m realistic too. And maybe, just maybe because the pressure is off, and because I’m alone, and because there’s a zillion reasons for why this may be the craziest thing I’ve ever even considered doing – that this could be the right time for something amazing to happen.

lets get physical

Thanks for your comments and emails about the weight loss stuff. Because I got a bunch of private messages asking “what are you really doing??” I thought I’d just make a post out of it. It’s kind of rambly and might not make sense, but, here goes. Also, this isn’t like, something you should follow without talking to your physician…blah blah blah:)

The first 25 or so pounds were shed during the “my wife left me for our partner/my best friend” period of time. It was not healthy loss, it was due to not eating and well, It wasn’t really a good idea. I couldn’t help it at the time, but it’s not recommended.

The next 25 was more sculpted and planned. I started eating again, and eating a lot better. I started using my work schedule to determine how I eat and how I work out.

Every day that I work I bring breakfast with me and I have a bowl of cereal – as in a serving, not a huge bowl. And, it’s frosted mini-wheats. The sugar percentage isn’t much higher than the regular kind and it’s yummy and keeps me full till lunch. I have it with whole milk. This increases the yum factor and is actually (according to my dr. and acupuncturist) good for me.

Lunch. HUGE part of the weight loss. I rarely buy lunch now. My co workers choose from a plethora of fast food on a daily basis, and I just abstain. I make 5 lunches every Sunday – I make 5 spinach salads with veggies – tomatoes, mushrooms, string beans, red cabbage, raddish…etc, and put them in tupperware. My fridge looks like a salad vending machine on Sunday evenings. I cook off 3 chicken breasts and cut them into pieces and make 5 servings of that in baggies that go along with my salad. I take that, maybe a greek yogurt, some almonds, or rice cakes (all portioned into servings in bags before the week really starts,) a piece of fruit – and that’s my food for the day. I drink a good amount of water when I remember to.

On days when I work till late and don’t hit the gym till 7:30 and am not home till 9 or after, I don’t really eat dinner. Preferred meal is cubed watermelon. Might not be healthy but eating so soon after working out, and so soon before bed makes me feel disgusting and makes me sleep poorly.

On days when I’m off or out at 5/6pm I try to eat a low carb, healthy meal and if I’m really ambitious I cook something when I make lunches on Sundays that will make 2 or three other meals. Meals are veggie heavy, and low carb.

Going out: S and A and I used to eat out SO SO much, and I don’t do that as much right now. Mostly I like Asian foods, sushi, Thai, Vietnamese. Once a week I usually go to the local bier garden and have one beer, a banh mi sandwich (so delicious) and some cheese/nuts.

I don’t count calories. I don’t weigh myself obsessively.

I don’t turn down hot dogs or s’mores, or the occasional twinkie, Ethiopian food, or burger and fries, or pizza, except I usually make my own pizza at home, because it’s delicious and I know everything that went into it. I love meat way way too much to give it up for any period, but I eat very little red meat, don’t cook it in my house, except for chicken for lunch. And fish. Salmon, tuna, local fresh caught stuff, yum.

Daily keep me happy junk food is a popsicle or some fruit sorbet.

Working out: I try to hit the gym at least 3x a week – and if not then I do outdoorsy stuff, bike ride, or tennis, or try to have really active sex – anything that works up a sweat.

When I’m at the gym, I usually do 60 minutes of cardio – a mix of treadmill/jogging/walking/running/incline, gazelle, stationary bike, and eliptical. Usually I pick 3 and do 20 minutes each, but sometimes I’ll break it up differently. I can burn 400 calories (this isn’t about counting but about competitiveness and performance) in a half hour on the gazelle and sometimes I’m motivated to do that.

Weights: Mostly arms, shoulder, upper back. I have really muscular legs as it is so I don’t do weight work with them. In between reps I do 15 crunches on a swiss ball for about a total of 60-125 crunches a work out and also do a LOT of stretching. That time between reps is PERFECT for that, especially for me as I have no patience in waiting around.

I try to walk to places instead of drive – even if it’s just for lunch downtown, or to the bar/club, whatever.

I LOVE the way I’m starting to look, which to me is hot butch. Not that I wasn’t hot butch before, but now I’m a leaner, meaner, sleeker, faster hot butch who has a TON more energy and self esteem.

I fit into clothes from stores that I couldn’t before. H&M is my new favorite place, even though the clothes are crap – but they’re cheap and they look good on me so, there you go. I’m getting more and more happy and comfortable with myself.

I feel really really good.

Except when I make major poor choices. I had Reeses Pieces (and popcorn) for dinner last night when watching Harry Potter. And I totally felt it this morning.

But sometimes that’s what you have to have for dinner:)

i guess i’ll feel less than real all my life

Maybe time for a bit of check mark update list:

-It looks like I’ll be doing the real live sperm experiment starting next weekend sometime. I’m kind of scared shitless – not of it working, or about SB freaking out, but of actually having sperm in me. I mean, yes S and I did home insems but with the frozen stuff where volume was the size of a pencil eraser and it was so hermetically sealed that I actually never gave much thought to the source. As I’ve never had unsafe interactions with xy’s, this is a fairly unfamiliar thing for me, and there’s an ick factor, and that’s what I’m most nervous about. And maybe just a little nervous in general. I still want this so badly, but alone? I know I have support and can do it but it’s still kind of a scary endeavor.

-I had my “you’ve been on meds for 3 months” check up last week. My doc informed me that I’d lost 51 pounds since Christmas. 51 pounds. Holy freaking heck. I mean, I knew I was getting smaller because of the sheer amount of new jeans that I’ve had to buy in the past few months. But I guess I didn’t really believe it. And then I learned how much it was that I lost. And a friend took a picture of me that looked like my head on someone else’s body. And I guess I believe it now. I once bought a pair of jeans that were “hope” jeans. A size I don’t know if I ever really thought I’d get to. Turns out I’m less than a size away from it. And, my favorite jeans from 7 years ago now fit and look awesome. This is pleasing and can, I think, be attributed to a couple of factors.

First- I rarely eat out, and when I do it is most certainly not to the chain restaurants that A and S seemed to prefer a lot of the time. No denying, I willingly went along, but I’m just not doing that anymore. I tend to stick to Asian cuisines and light foods and am certainly not eating as much as I used too.

Second- I’m a gym rat again. At least 3 times a week I’m there, often times more. I’m doing outside sports with friends. On my 36 hour business trip last week I spent 3 hours in the hotel gym/sauna/pool area, and it might have been my favorite part of the trip. Sweating and working hard clears my head and makes life much easier to tackle.

Third- After the initial depression weight loss when I wasn’t eating for a few months, I started eating again, just radically differently. If we’re being honest here, which I try to do always, anyway, I would be remiss if I didn’t attribute some of that to R and her fairly non-conventional habits, which at first I started trying out to be butchly-impressive but even after that ship sailed off the j ocean I found myself feeling so so good eating way more fresh fruits and veggies, cooking (or lack there of) somewhat differently and pretty well eliminating the bad stuff – finding much more joy in the good stuff. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the bad – believe me, I’ve enjoyed some pretty delicious nasty (see prior post) stuff – I just do it a lot less and therefore, enjoy it a LOT more. And I think my enthusiasm is starting to rub off on others.

-Others – I’ve shockingly gotten myself involved with a complicated situation. I guess I had to make a choice between my wants and needs and the wants and needs of the other and do so in a way as to try to not crush someone else who is involved. But the someone else is someone I love dearly, and well. I’m doing some hurting. And that feels like serious crap. And I hate it. And I know I can’t have everything I want and have it work out 100% all the time, and I know that it never can in this kind of situation, but…I’m happier than I’ve been in months. It’s not just because of her. I’m meeting new people and doing new things and taking care of me. But some of it is her. And she seems happier than she’s seemed in a long long time as well. I’m hopeful that the hurt feelings will fade or maybe be understood (by both my friend and those who are sure to judge) and maybe I can have both the other and my friend. Time will tell on that one. Trust that I’m taking this slug paced slow, that I’m still working on so much of my own stuff (as is she) and that I’m not rushing anything, and continuing to take time for myself and my friends and not become obsessed with the feelings I’m starting to have. Which are and good and sweet and comfortable in a totally new way. I’m smiling more than I’m not right now.

-Work is stressful but completely awesome. In an industry where there is basically NO good news, my place of employment is up 31% from last year at this time. This is somewhat unheard of and all we can do is keep knocking on wood and continue to do what it is that we’re doing and not think about it too much.

-My house is still at the same place it was in mid May. The studio and living room are untouched except for perhaps some box adjusting. I need to paint the studio and start making art and I’m hoping that some upcoming visitors this weekend will spark the fire underneath me to do that this week, with the living room to follow soon thereafter. I need to have a housewarming party before I’ve been there for too long! Which I think I’ve decided will be a slumber party where we eat popcorn and homemade pizza and watch movies like Mystery Men and Flight of the Navigator. Yeah.

So. There you go. That’s what’s up right now….I’m sure I’ll have more to say soon, especially about the first bullet point as that gets closer and closer and closer…..

backyard gourmet

That is bacon being slow cooked over a campfire. And then served with fresh pineapple. We also cooked the bacon wrapped around the pineapple. I’m not a huge bacon eater. It’s not my favorite thing by a long shot. I am not one of those people who likes all things bacon either, and really thought this would be gross, as I don’t really even like eating it with breakfast. But. Man.

If you don’t believe me, just ask d, as she had the good fortune and sense to join me on E and J’s deck last night.

still a long way from the place that we are

I spent the last 36 hours either in an airport, in a plane, or in Pittsburgh PA, where I was sent to test out the new offerings that S*baru is offering for 2010, including the all-new Outb*ck’s and Leg*cy’s. Both are really really awesome vehicles – set up with new transmissions that give them the same (or better) gas mileage as our competition – all while retaining the all wheel drive that the cars are known for. It could be a really good year for us!

Anyway – unfortunately, it’s a whirlwind trip – 6 hours in transit on Wednesday, class, sleep, on a race track at 8 am the next day, and back at the airport by 2:30 – but you cram a LOT into a short period of time. A photo recap:

We got to our hotel around 2:30 on the first day – the 3 boys I traveled with immediately hopped on a bus and headed to Red Lobster for lunch. Which is funny, right? The Maine contingency going to Red Lobster, in Pittsburgh, for lunch? Anyway, they were all about some cheesy biscuits and I was all about feeling good so I spent 2 hours in the hotel gym, pool, hot tub, and sauna. Which for me was more fun, I think, than lunch was for them, as they all came back looking like they were in food coma’s and not feeling that great. Did I mention they started drinking at our layover in NYC? Yeah. I love the boys though, always entertaining.

After class the first night we made friends with the hotel “driver,” who brought us on a trip for refreshments (wings) and liquid refreshment (beer.) While we were on the road he actually had a fridge brought to one of our rooms so we could keep the beer cold while we watched X-Men – Wolverine (awesome movie) and enjoyed what is now surpassing Alexander Keiths my favorite beer. Yuengling has long been a family favorite of my sister and friends, however, honestly? I’ve always hated beer. It tends to make me feel icky before the first one is gone, and I usually ask someone to finish it for me. For whatever reason, this is not the case anymore, and I had more beer in the last 2 days than I have in the past 32 years. This could be a good thing. Or not. We’ll see. Maybe it was just a fluke.

Up bright and early the next morning and out to the Beaverrun (nope, not making it up) Motorsports Facility, where we did a bunch of learning, and a bunch of driving. There was a 15 minute off-road course for the Outb*ck which was so AWESOME I can’t even explain it. I mean, it was like driving in a commercial for the car -I’ve never driven over so many bumps, rocks, holes, ruts, and tree limbs before. Seriously, we put the car through it’s paces, and it held up beautifully and as much as I love speed, this may have been one of the most fun driving experiences ever. Underneath all that dirt and grime and dust is a new blue for 2010!

And then, all too quickly, it seemed we were back at the airport. In fact I was in flight or an airport for almost 11 hours yesterday, which honestly, not that fun – however, I did have two meals that mostly looked like this – see I told you I was getting into beer, and had some terrificly funny conversations with my co-workers about a variety of 14 y/o boy topics which made the time in transit move very very quickly.

Not only that but there was shopping, though to be perfectly honest? My idea of hell is where THIS is the ONLY shoe store.

All in all it was a good time, and now back to work. Though…admittedly? It’s kind of sad to travel for work or alone and then not have someone to come home too. Really sad.

it’s closer to harrisburg

Ok. Not Harrisburg. Pittsburgh. And I’m going to be there this week. Any of you there who want to show me around?

Not much to report today, except that I have clinically proven that the expensive gym socks are in fact better than plain cotton ankle socks. I can’t believe I don’t get paid to do this kind of experimentation.

Protected: In Progress #4

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