i guess i’ll feel less than real all my life

July 13, 2009

Maybe time for a bit of check mark update list:

-It looks like I’ll be doing the real live sperm experiment starting next weekend sometime. I’m kind of scared shitless – not of it working, or about SB freaking out, but of actually having sperm in me. I mean, yes S and I did home insems but with the frozen stuff where volume was the size of a pencil eraser and it was so hermetically sealed that I actually never gave much thought to the source. As I’ve never had unsafe interactions with xy’s, this is a fairly unfamiliar thing for me, and there’s an ick factor, and that’s what I’m most nervous about. And maybe just a little nervous in general. I still want this so badly, but alone? I know I have support and can do it but it’s still kind of a scary endeavor.

-I had my “you’ve been on meds for 3 months” check up last week. My doc informed me that I’d lost 51 pounds since Christmas. 51 pounds. Holy freaking heck. I mean, I knew I was getting smaller because of the sheer amount of new jeans that I’ve had to buy in the past few months. But I guess I didn’t really believe it. And then I learned how much it was that I lost. And a friend took a picture of me that looked like my head on someone else’s body. And I guess I believe it now. I once bought a pair of jeans that were “hope” jeans. A size I don’t know if I ever really thought I’d get to. Turns out I’m less than a size away from it. And, my favorite jeans from 7 years ago now fit and look awesome. This is pleasing and can, I think, be attributed to a couple of factors.

First- I rarely eat out, and when I do it is most certainly not to the chain restaurants that A and S seemed to prefer a lot of the time. No denying, I willingly went along, but I’m just not doing that anymore. I tend to stick to Asian cuisines and light foods and am certainly not eating as much as I used too.

Second- I’m a gym rat again. At least 3 times a week I’m there, often times more. I’m doing outside sports with friends. On my 36 hour business trip last week I spent 3 hours in the hotel gym/sauna/pool area, and it might have been my favorite part of the trip. Sweating and working hard clears my head and makes life much easier to tackle.

Third- After the initial depression weight loss when I wasn’t eating for a few months, I started eating again, just radically differently. If we’re being honest here, which I try to do always, anyway, I would be remiss if I didn’t attribute some of that to R and her fairly non-conventional habits, which at first I started trying out to be butchly-impressive but even after that ship sailed off the j ocean I found myself feeling so so good eating way more fresh fruits and veggies, cooking (or lack there of) somewhat differently and pretty well eliminating the bad stuff – finding much more joy in the good stuff. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the bad – believe me, I’ve enjoyed some pretty delicious nasty (see prior post) stuff – I just do it a lot less and therefore, enjoy it a LOT more. And I think my enthusiasm is starting to rub off on others.

-Others – I’ve shockingly gotten myself involved with a complicated situation. I guess I had to make a choice between my wants and needs and the wants and needs of the other and do so in a way as to try to not crush someone else who is involved. But the someone else is someone I love dearly, and well. I’m doing some hurting. And that feels like serious crap. And I hate it. And I know I can’t have everything I want and have it work out 100% all the time, and I know that it never can in this kind of situation, but…I’m happier than I’ve been in months. It’s not just because of her. I’m meeting new people and doing new things and taking care of me. But some of it is her. And she seems happier than she’s seemed in a long long time as well. I’m hopeful that the hurt feelings will fade or maybe be understood (by both my friend and those who are sure to judge) and maybe I can have both the other and my friend. Time will tell on that one. Trust that I’m taking this slug paced slow, that I’m still working on so much of my own stuff (as is she) and that I’m not rushing anything, and continuing to take time for myself and my friends and not become obsessed with the feelings I’m starting to have. Which are and good and sweet and comfortable in a totally new way. I’m smiling more than I’m not right now.

-Work is stressful but completely awesome. In an industry where there is basically NO good news, my place of employment is up 31% from last year at this time. This is somewhat unheard of and all we can do is keep knocking on wood and continue to do what it is that we’re doing and not think about it too much.

-My house is still at the same place it was in mid May. The studio and living room are untouched except for perhaps some box adjusting. I need to paint the studio and start making art and I’m hoping that some upcoming visitors this weekend will spark the fire underneath me to do that this week, with the living room to follow soon thereafter. I need to have a housewarming party before I’ve been there for too long! Which I think I’ve decided will be a slumber party where we eat popcorn and homemade pizza and watch movies like Mystery Men and Flight of the Navigator. Yeah.

So. There you go. That’s what’s up right now….I’m sure I’ll have more to say soon, especially about the first bullet point as that gets closer and closer and closer…..


  1. holy shit! 51 pounds????!!!! That is all kinds of wonderful! woo hooooooo!!!!! And next weekend?!!! oh man I am getting so excited. As for the introduction of foreign material to your downstairs…maybe if you can just think of it as something else. Like, um, baby pudding?

  2. 51 pounds is incredible! You’re my new inspiration!

  3. 51 lbs? I AM SO JEALOUS!! I lost 100 years ago and kept it off until my break up and now gained 20 pounds.. sigh…. but I am trying to stick to a routine, any tips??? Can’t wait to hear about the first bullet post as it gets closer too 🙂

  4. 51 lbs! fabulous. Good luck with sperm experiments..yeah it’s totally gross from a chick who never played with the stuff until knock up time…but not horrible, the result is so worth the ick factor

  5. 51# is phenomenal and i am hoping to get back on the exercise/eating-right train once school isnt sucking every moment and brain cell 🙂 (i would like to lose at least that!!!)

    good luck with the sperming up ;P i hadnt ever thought of your contemplation but i can see where the weird-feelings come in. exciting tho to think of positive results!

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