Archive for March, 2009

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silent sigh

March 30, 2009

My birthday was as good as I think it could have been.

The concert was great, my mom didn’t hate it, (actually said he was a great performer and sang well,) and my sister and I spent most of the show in the 4th row, which was awesome.  I also won enough at the nickel slots to cover my gas and tolls there and back, which was a nice bonus.

I’m still sad. And hurting, and mad, and angry.

But I am coming to realize some things, things that I guess others have known for a while. That while I may have had more “control” on day to day decisions, all of the real control – where we live, if we’re having kids, BIG type things – were all in S’s hands. And there was never. ever. any compromise on these things, even though 6 years ago we’d 1) agreed on kids, and 2) agreed that we’d only live in ME for a few years and then move to Boston, or W. Mass – or SOMEWHERE that was closer to the people who were important to me.

And as none of the people who were ever important to me EVER became important to her,  her drive to see me be closer to them never materialized.  And I guess maybe she says things she doesn’t mean for fear of…I don’t know. Not being loved? Not being liked? I don’t know. I do know that selfishness is a genetic trait that runs in her family and as much as I wanted to deny it on her, and think her giving and caring – I don’t quite know that is true.

Anyway, enough processing for the day.

I got home around 3 yesterday, and after promising a friend that I would just…chill out and RELAX for the evening I shared a lovely birthday phone conversation with someone important, and then…second coated the bathroom and painted the trim and the door, painted under the kitchen sink, sprayed the oven (which I cleaned this morning at 5:30 – it was gross and STILL had to be re-sprayed for tomorrow morning,) and, with the help of my “man-friend” (straight guy who is good with tools) installed my new thermostat, which told me that my apt was about 4 degrees warmer than the other one was telling me. Great. Now my body needs to get used to being chilly.  I DID order a pizza before doing all of these tasks – and there was a long wait time for delivery, so I got all of them done, and was pretty much cleaned up when it arrived. Then I watched tv and enjoyed myself and my space for the rest of the night. And slowly, EVER so slowly, it is becoming mine.

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from the one you left behind

March 28, 2009

Seeing Morrissey tonight. But…it’s kind of an “unhappy birthday.”

I will admit that I have a small group of amazing people here who threw me a “surprise” birthday bbq last night. It was very enjoyable and I only thought about S 1/2 the time, and laughed the rest.

Gotta start somewhere.

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struggle

March 26, 2009

Today is S’s birthday. For the first time in 6 years we’re not planning a huge celebration for the both of us.

And I learned from Faceb**k that there’s a party for her tonight, somewhere.

And I struggled all day with figuring out if I was going to wish her a happy birthday. Or how I would do that.

In the end, I sent a yet unanswered text message that just said “happy birthday, S” because I think I would have felt bad if I didn’t – and that was the deciding factor in why.

But I can’t not think about her and how sad I am and how, to me, it seems that she is able to just…totally put me aside.

It feels awful. I’m just so miserable all the time. I’m not eating well or right. I’m depressed about taking an anti-depressant.

I just wish I could make it stop.

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up to speed

March 26, 2009

Hey-

I know that I need a place to write, and I consider many of you out there my friends – you’ve been such great support for me.

I’m just wading through the day to day right now, trying to find some shred of normal feelings, and trying to let go of some pretty major people in my life. I hate being alone. I did laundry by myself on Monday and almost cried at the laundromat.  My bed feels empty, as does my house. It doesn’t quite feel like “mine” yet, but I’m trying a little bit every day to make it more so.

Right now things might be sporadic and transitional and moody and sometimes probably fucking sad and pitiful.  Just…I dunno.

Thanks.

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Protected: Protected: awe

March 21, 2009

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Protected: Protected: and so

March 17, 2009

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Protected: Protected: as i live and breathe

March 15, 2009

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