Archive for July, 2007


There’s a troll in the dungeon!

July 31, 2007

The last in short two post series about evilness:

My hometown troll has left another horrible hate filled comment, reiterating more of the same from yesterday, and as it was so poorly written, I’m not going to post it here.  I admit, yesterday I responded to in anger rather than with intelligence, so I’m going to try that route today and be done with it.

So far this summer I’ve read of parents neglecting their children in favor of video games, parents allowing their children to live in their disgusting, animal infested (including a horse – in the house! When the cops picked up the baby he was sitting in manure,) homes,  and numerous instances of infants left to bake and die inside automobiles, unfortunately forgotten by their parents. The common thread? All of these parents were straight.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that queer parents are infallible. But one must admit that the stories of neglect, abuse, and just plain disregard of children runs most rampant through the straight community.  Is it because as queers we (usually) have to work much harder to form our families (as do my straight infertile friends) and therefore have a higher regard for our children? I don’t know. Sometimes, maybe.

Also, some of my BIGGEST support has come in the form of straight, (often Christian) women who for whatever reason were unable to reproduce without the help of Assisted Reproductive Technology. Are these women any more deserving of children than I am? No, and many of us are on the same path to achieve the same goals. Does G-d not want a child in their home? Seems to be a really really slippery slope to be riding on, using G-d’s will as your argument.

What amazes me most, my troll friend, is that I know the community from which you are a product. You are a graduate of the first high school in this country that voluntarily desegregated. You grew up in a town in which many cultures, races, and religions thrive amongst each other. I know that there are some….issues currently brewing, but I remember (especially during the times when you were a student) a relatively peaceful town, where everyone co-existed happily, and was interested in learning more about our neighbors histories. I wonder what must have happened to you along the way, what sparked your embracing of hate, rather than love, or at minimum, respect.

Troll, it’s very hard to hide on the internet, and while I’m in no way a threat to you, I do know quite a bit about you –  your name, maiden name, home address, phone number, etc. This is probably more than you’d like me to know, but it’s easy to find out things when one is a part of such a tightly knit, long standing community, and also I admit, have friends very very good at using ISP information to locate folks.

I wonder how you, or your family would be treated in town with many people knowing that there was a hateful, racist, homophobic, anti-semetic nazi living in their midst. I mean, you’ve got nothing on me. I live my life with pride. I have no shame, and nothing to hide. You on the other hand, get your rocks off by posting inflammatory comments that are intended to do nothing but hurt, on the blogs of people you don’t even know. That’s something you can be really proud of, something great to pass on to your children.

In closing, know that I’ve blocked all of the addresses you use from this site, blocked your host, and will no longer be reading or responding to anything you write.  Your comments will go directly to spam. I don’t have time for your negativity in my life, and I know that whether or not this IVF cycle (or future cycles) works, there will be children in our lives, and we will make excellent parents (or at least try too.)

I wish you peace.


Well, that was upsetting

July 30, 2007

Name: 07666 | E-mail: | IP: | Date: July 28, 2007

So you have been trying for 2 years to gt pregnant and it has not happened yet, do you think it could be becuase two fags living together in a pretend family situation is not the place God wants to put a kid.
I hope you go another 20 years without a kid of your own!

It’s been a wonderful evening, all told. S’s flights all got cancelled, she’s sleeping at a faraway airport, and won’t be home till tomorrow. And then I got that lovelyness, from an ISP that’s referencing my hometown, but I don’t think is actually coming from there. I’m not that savvy. Maybe one of you is. Lovely, just lovely.

Honestly? My first hate comment was much more upsetting than I expected.

Fuck you, asshat.

PS: We’re DYKES, motherfucker.


ivf and the politics of gender

July 27, 2007

This post has been floating around my head for a few days now, and I’d like to get it “down,” though I’m still not certain that it’s going to flow in the way that I’d like it too. You’ll just have to bear with me as I struggle with wading through some of my thoughts on this topic. 

First, I’ll start off with the easy update. So far the Lupron is treating me ok. I feel generally a bit warmer than usual, but it’s also warmer than usual here, so that could have something to do with it.  I wish I was better at self-injecting, because as is I can’t quite bring myself to actually “jab” the needle, even though I know it will be less painful, and also leave less bruises. I just can’t do it, yet. I’ll keep practicing though, and well, S comes home Sunday, and she can take over. She has no problems jabbing me with needles. Interesting. 

Now, back to the topic at hand.  As I’ve stated many many times before (here, in real life, etc) I don’t identify as butch, no matter how much I may look (or swagger) like whatever the stereotypical butch looks like.  I will cop to being a more masculine woman, and as far as labeling my own gender, right now genderqueer seems to suit me well.  Though I must say that I also feel as if my gender identity has taken a slight altering, or shift if you will, since we started trying to concieve.  With so much attention being paid to all aspects of my girl parts, its hard to not be aware of them to the extent that I am, which was not the case before we started the conception journey.

Before trying to make a baby, I think I had a different relationship with my body, especially my genitals. I mean really, outside of their function in sex, I hadn’t given much thought to them as hormone producing beings, capable (or not) of creating and sustaining life.  This process has certainly brought me closer to embracing and celebrating the most female aspects of myself, but has that acceptance made me more feminine? I don’t know. I don’t think so, but again, these are thoughts on which I am sitll ruminating.

Injecting hormones for IVF has been…interesting to say the least. As my friend E said yesterday, when we were talking about this very issue, and I said that I was writing about it (both here, and on paper) “I think you could write a story not just about how you don’t identify as butch but have a life surrounded by people who self-inject for gender reasons and you joined them sideways.” 

She’s totally on point with that. I’d say that over 50% of my friends are male identified, but of that 50%, perhaps only 5% were born biological male. I have a lot of gender-variant and transgender friends.  Most of them are on some journey of transition, whether that be via injecting testosterone, or surgery, or both, (and in some cases, neither,) and I’ve been lucky and honored enough to be privy to watching their journeys.  Sometimes I think that they are some of the most strong and courageous people I know, and other times I just think that they are just doing what’s necessary to live their lives the way they want to. 

Which brings me back to my feelings about IVF. Sometimes I feel like I’m being strong and courageous, but most times I just feel like I’m doing what’s necessary to live my life the way I want too.  Perhaps some may think that it’s callous compare the two struggles, but I don’t think so.  When I think about the tears shed, the rage, and the sadness that I’ve felt over the last few years, from the time I realized that the biggest thing I wanted to do was be a parent, and having two years of failed attempts at doing so, to where we are now, using medical intervention to (hopefully) get us there…well, I think that they can be similar in many ways

And lucky for me, I’m surrounded by so many people who can relate just a little bit, and who are so supportive of me, us, and our journey. It also helps that many of them are used to and handy with the big needles if I need some help a few weeks from now. 


new favorite band of the week

July 26, 2007

While S is away I’ve kind of loaded up my schedule with lots of fun events in hopes that I might miss her less. In reality I’m having a great time doing “my thing,” but really wish that she was with me as well. Case in point: Last night I ventured out on a school night to go to a rock show. This is somewhat uncharacteristic, however I’d heard (and read) SO much hype about this so called “androgynous/queer band” that I couldn’t not go. 

The Toronto based group The Cliks played the Space Gallery last night, here in Portland.  The first thing that came to mind when they started their set was, “oh my, these guys are rock stars.” And they were. All beautiful and incredibly talented, and while most that I was with had an immediate crush on frontman Lucas Silveira, I will admit that I was very quickly drawn to bassist Jen Benton.  But let me get over how hot this band is and move on to the music.

From the second they stepped on to the stage it was non-stop energy for all of their hour long set.  They ripped through some of their older songs, but mostly played from their new relase, Snakehouse.  Silveira’s voice is so so smooth yet has amazing power and reach for dirty, raw, hard pounding, rock and roll, but slips effortlessly into (well, also kind of hard) their more ballad-like songs. I hate doing comparisons, but people seem to want to know what others sound “like,” so….I’d say he has  a louder Michelle Malone type sound going on.  But with like, a bangin rock band behind the voice. It’s a great combination.

I will admit that before I fell in love with Silveira’s voice I was already impressed with the talent and the tightness of the band.  Guitar, bass, drums – these guys know their stuff and they work very very well together to create a very cohesive rock and roll sound. My two favorites of the evening? Their cover of Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River,” is really good (and at this show they kind of morphed it into Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable.”  It was brilliant) and “Oh Yeah” from the new album is just…a great rock song.

If you’re a rock fan, I highly recommend my new favorite band of the week, The Cliks.  If they come to your town they’re totally worth the ticket price (which was wicked cheap here) for a rockin’ night of music.  After the show they hung out for a bit, signing stuff and selling records. They were totally gracious and seemed to really enjoy what they were doing. It helps that I think they thought they would be playing to 4 people, and there was a pretty nice sized crowd eagerly awaiting their arrival.

Uhm…did I also mention they’re totally hot? So at least if you don’t like the music, there is something good to look at. Yes. I know, bad j. Stop it with the objectification of queers. But really. How often do I have the chance to do that up close and in person??



check ignition and may g-d’s love be with you

July 25, 2007

I’ve been blogging about making a baby for almost two years now. We still don’t have baby. Tonight I have my first Lupron injection, in preparation for our first IVF cycle, which we’ve kind of known lay in wait for us, all along. It’s somewhat surreal, and scary, and exciting all at the same time. I’m trying to be as calm and relaxed as possible, which, if you know me, isn’t all that easy. Surprisingly, I’m really feeling ok.

I’ve got this minor dull headache that’s been plaguing me for a few days, which I’m holding the pill accountable for. I hope I manage to escape the worst of Lupron headaches, and that I don’t have too many side effects. That would be a pleasant surprise.  But that’s neither here nor there, as we’re going forward with this, no matter what.

I do wish that S was home to share this with me, but I think i’m going to take pictures and send them along to her. I keep telling myself that I can do this alone, even though I’m scared. I HAVE self injected before, it’s just been….a while. And with this first injection we enter a whole new realm of possibilities.  I am trying to quell the feelings of “something good” happening here mostly to shield myself from dissapointment….but, they’re there, and know what? Hope is an ok thing to cling too.




Bill withers had it right

July 24, 2007

I’m such a whiny baby but seriously, I’d really like S to be home now, and she’s only been gone for one day. Not even one full day yet. I always think that being home alone Charles in Charge style is going to be much better than it is, but this time she’s gone for seven whole days. She’s never left me here alone for more than 2, so this challenge is daunting.

Oh well. It’s raining and kind of chilly so I think I will vegetate on the couch and watch tv (Maine public broadcasting is advertising an HOUR LONG special on Ferrets, and the people who own them. Should be fascinating)  and enjoy my Jewish comfort food dinner (matzah brei) and mope.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away



July 23, 2007

I am now one of those people who has done something incredibly stupid, like dive into a swimming pool with their cell phone in their pocket. Yep. It’s air drying now. Hopefully, it will work later tomorrow. If not, expensive dumb mistake. Also, incredibly poor timing as S leaves on a week long “gay camp” experience on a college campus far far away. Gah.

In other news, I HAVE finished HP7. I will not discuss here, because I don’t know how to hide behind breaks, I will not spoil anything for anyone. I will say that this is the BEST HP books in the series. Way to go, J.K., way to go.

Also, don’t spoil in comments either. but like, can we decide on a date where we can start talking? Because uh, there’s some stuff I need to process.



July 20, 2007

Needles, drugs, and dates. All of them acquired yesterday. Wow.

On the advice of a really smart friend, I flat out asked nurse wonderful if perhaps she had any drug samples of the one really expensive stimulating drug that I needed. No begging, or tears, just asking. And know what? Yeah. She did. I now have enough for probably 2 (or more) cycles. Amazing. 

We also paid in full for the procedure. Also a big wow. I’ve never signed for something that cost that much and not actually gotten something tangible, like a car in the driveway or travel tickets, etc.  It’s kind of weird and surreal all at the same time.  I wasn’t planning on talking about money or how we paid for it, but so many of you have asked “how,” so I’ll get over my “this is incredibly tacky” feeling and just let you know how we took care of our bill.

S and I have excellent credit but we don’t really own anything. We share one car, and rent, rather than own.  Due to this fact, getting a bank loan was pretty much out of the question, as the lowest interest rate we could secure was much higher than I was willing to pay.  Our clinic doesn’t play with any of the infertility lenders, preferring to offer a lower rate for the procedures but have patients secure their own funding, so this wasn’t an option.

I called my favorite credit card and asked what they could do. Turns out, they could do a lot. They bumped up my credit limit to above the whole cost of the IVF, and also lowered my APR to almost nothing. It seemed logical to do what you’re not supposed to do, and so we charged the whole amount.  We plan to pay this debt off in big chunks, but it’s nice to know that if there is a lean month, or something unexpected comes up, we won’t be strapped to make a defined payment amount.  This is not the preferred method of payment, I know, but I think it will work well for us.

We enjoyed quite a bit of face time, both with our doctor and our nurse yesterday and I was reminded again how much I like using a clinic that has a relatively small amount of patients at the same time. I think it makes their success rates higher, and also forges a more personal connection. I feel like I really am cared for by all involved, rather than being shuttled through the process quickly, just being a number rather than an individual.  I also remember that this clinic is the ONLY option around here, and well, I’m just very thankful.

Interestingly, later in the afternoon, S called me in to watch a news segment on our local station about something to be careful of at fertility clinics.  Turns out they did about a 1 minute segment on how fertility clinics are doing ICSI on couples who don’t need it just to make the extra money.  While this may be true, I think it’s really fucked up to air something like that in their broadcasting area where there is ONLY one clinic, and NOT give that clinic a chance to talk about it. No chance to deny it, and no chance to say something like, “Yes, unfortunately this is something that does happen at some fertility clinics, though you can be assured it is something that doesn’t happen here, and this is why…..” It just rubbed me the wrong way and seemed like really irresponsible journalism (if you can call it that.)

Ok, back to the stuff you care about.

Lupron starts next Thursday. Stims start in the second week of August. Tentative retreival/transfer? August 20/23.

Holy shit.


but it wasn’t a real rock

July 19, 2007

How is it that my mom seems to have this uncanny ability to totally brighten up my day at the most perfect time? Case in point: I spent much of yesterday fretting over paying our IVF bill, which gets paid, in full, today. Wow. I spent about an hour or so on this, finally coming up with the PERFECT (really, it’s brilliant) solution to my huge bill paying problem.

I was so proud of myself, that after I called S to tell her the good news, that everything was fine, and that we wouldn’t have to be eating Ramen for the next 3 years, I called my mom.  Mostly to check in, but to also share that I’m a financial genius, a fact that she could appreciate.  WHILE I was on the phone with her, there was a knock on the door. Lookit that, there’s my UPS guy, with a package for me from “Pooltoys dot com.” 

I said to my mom “uhm…I just got a weird package from a company that makes pool toys.” She started laughing. A lot. I grew suspicious immediatly. “Did you have anything to do with this?” I asked. She said, “yep. Open it up.” And so I did. Because she saw it at a company beach party and and though I had to have one just like it.

You know I blew that thing up within seconds of hanging up the phone with her. And now, the red guy lives in the living room.

Completly random, and wonderful.


Thanks, Mom.


Overheard in Portland, Maine

July 18, 2007

“I actually spend a lot of time thinking about the world’s great mysteries, like how does 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner really work?”