Archive for August, 2006

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This Doesn’t Happen Every Day

August 30, 2006

Hi. S here. j is feeling slightly overwhelmed, but didn’t want to leave a “blank” on her blog for so many days in a row, and asked if I wanted to guest blog. I figured I’d take a stab at expressing how I’m feeling right now.

Though Mercury is no longer in retrograde, maybe the universe is just pissed about Pluto’s demotion from an honest to goodness planet to simply being a big ball of ice.

There has to be some explanation for the current state of affairs in my orbit.

Don’t get me wrong, some of my friends and acquaintances are experiencing great things – terrific relationships, positive new living situations, new jobs, hobbies and work they love, et cetera, and I am so very happy for them.

But others of us are stuck in loops of bad news, delays, holding patterns and a general funk.

I have so much good fortune – a wonderful wife, family and friends I love, easy pets, enough books to read to keep me preoccupied most of the time, a comfortable apartment and the resources to pay for it, reasonably good health and (for what it’s worth) employment.

Am I greedy for wanting more? Is it too much to ask for a baby and a job I love?

Apparently, right now, it is too much.

For a variety of reasons (cost, health insurance, sanity, et cetera) we are on hold in the baby-making process. I think we’ll be taking a couple of months off, pay down as much debt as we can, let j’s body recover from the last five months of medication and hormone surges and then start financing for IVF.

The delay is hard to wrap my head around and even harder for j. And the prospect of more drugs and painful/invasive/uncomfortable procedures down the road is challenging as well. We both knew that it wouldn’t be easy, we both knew it would take time. It dosen’t make the wait and the ups-and-downs any easier to deal with.

Also, for a variety of reasons,(I know that j sort of alluded to some of the other things going on with us, namely my employment situation, but didn’t really go into it.) I’m going to be staying here at XXX for another month. There continue to be delays. It has been suggested by the powers that be that I push back my start date another two weeks. My experience thus far make me wary of this timeline and I’ve decided that I will just stay at XXX for September, work through Alumni Weekend and start at ZZZ the first Monday in October – 6 weeks after the date I was supposed to start, 4 weeks after the start of the school year.

I’m frustrated by these delays. I can’t help but feel as though it makes me look foolish. I cringe every time I have to say something like, “well, in theory I’m starting on [enter date]” or “assuming I have a job come [enter date]Â….” I dread the conversations with colleagues who wonder if it is worth it. I keep saying, “If I didn’t want this job so much, I’d just tell them to forget it.” But I do want this job. I know the delays are not about me, that the delays are about making sure the process is followed and that people are heard and respected. Though, I don’t feel very respected at the moment.

We are going away for the weekend and I’m looking forward to this trip. Getting away for a couple of days will be great. Even though we will be spending some time with friends, it will be so wonderful to spend time, just the two of us.

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Round 4, Part 1, Over.

August 27, 2006

So.
Yeah, not pregnant. It’s ok. I’m ok. S is ok. Spent the morning in a sugar haze induced by Dunkin’ Donuts and Sour Patch Kids. Washed down with a cup of coffee with real sugar in it. Yeah. It’s been that kind of day. Tomorrow I’ll be back to “normal.” But a few things have been decided.

I need a break. WE need a break. We could go for try 5 right now if we really wanted too. But that would mean being on Clomid for the holiday weekend next week, and we’ve been invited to “camp” next weekend. We’re actually going to stay at a camp that has a full kitchen, electricity, and running water, so it’s not really “camping,” but it’s as close as S and I are ever going to get. I’m from New Jersey….Nature scares me. But anyway, if we went for another try in September, I’d be on Clomid all next weekend, and you know what? I just don’t want to do it. I want to have a good time.

It’s going to be hard, this break taking. I know that my mind isn’t going to immediately forget how much I/we really really want a baby. But I’m hoping that the pressure and stress of making that a reality will go away – if just for a little bit. Honestly, I’m not convinced that my body is able to do this on its own. And…I don’t know, we’ve spent about a third of a cycle of IVF at this point, and I KNOW that if we just back off, save our pennies, that we’ll be able to do IVF in the spring if that’s the way we want to go. Maybe we’ll do a natural cycle in between now and then….but there’s no pressure to do so.

So. I’m hoping you’ll stick around to see what’s rattling around in my head, even if it’s not wrapped around making a baby right now. Thanks for sticking by me on the first part of the journey. You’ve all been a great source of support – I hope you’ll stick around.

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Tears of a Clown

August 25, 2006

Now if there’s a smile on my face
It’s only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you,
Now honey that’s quite a different subject

But don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Cos really I’m sad, Oh I’m sadder than sad
Well I’m hurt and I want you so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad

Well they’re some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tears of a clown
When there’s no one around
~Smokey Robinson and the Miracles

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And in News from the “Real World”

August 24, 2006

Wal-Mart Quietly Partners with Gay Group

I’ve read through many of the mostly homophobic comments from the Arkansas paper that USA today links at the bottom of the article. There are some positive comments, but if I were to write one, it would be much like this one:

lesparent wrote on August 23, 2006 12:05 PM:
“I am a lesbian in a relationship of 15 strong years. I have not shopped at Wal-Mart in nearly 10 years. While I applaud Wal-Mart’s decision to partner with the NGLCC I will continue to take my business elswhere. Their anti-family (your family and my family) business practices of low wages, poor health coverage and prostitution of Chinese workers overshadow any attempt to pander to the GLBTQ community.”

Your thoughts??

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Don’t Get Me Wrong

August 24, 2006

I love Autumn. Much like AJWP, it is my favorite season of the year, and in New England, the most beautiful. I love crunching leaves and the crispness in the air. I love apples and pumpkins and squashes that are all plentiful in the Fall. I love sitting outside and drinking mulled cider, watching the steam dissipate into the night.

But know what? It is STILL AUGUST!!! And the fact that when I left for work this morning I had to put a SWEATER on…..well, I almost cried.

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Nothin’ to Say Tuesday

August 22, 2006

Except that “Lean Cuisine” lunch meals are fairly awesome. Seriously. It’s a perfect “portion” of food, is low in fat, high in protein (stay away from the pasta ones,) and has no artificial crap or preservatives. I’m particularly liking the Lemongrass Chicken, and the Turkey and Vegetables.

Also, S and I saw An Inconvenient Truth last week. It was much more informative and less propaganda laced than I thought it would be. It was a really great documentary – one that I urge all of you to try to see. Somewhere during the movie I found myself sitting there thinking “holy crap, this guy should totally be president.” And if his “handlers” had shown more of this side of him, he would be.

Guess I had something to say after all. Happy Tuesday

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A Tale of Two Sneakers

August 19, 2006

When my father died, almost exactly five years ago, he was in possession of three brand new pairs of the exact same pair of sneakers. Since then I’ve always equated buying more than one pair of the same shoe as a sign of “getting old.” I really thought that I would be MUCH older than I am now before I really had to make an effort to avoid doing this. Apparently, I should have been making the effort much earlier.

Last week, S and I went shopping for a new pair of “outside” athletic shoes for me, as I’d been using the same ones for 3 years, and they were starting to fall apart. Less than a year ago I did buy a new pair of Asics sneakers, but I use them exclusively indoors/at the gym. I had some criteria for my new shoes – that they weren’t much over $50, and that they weren’t too white, as I don’t like white sneakers outside all that much. We were walking around the shoe store, and I wasn’t’ really finding much that I was liking. Until I started looking in the boy’s section, which is fine because I have small feet and easily fit into boy’s sneakers – thus getting me well under the $50 dollar mark. After trying a few pairs on, I settled on a pair of Asics – they fit great, and I already knew that my feet liked them, having bought a pair in the prior year.

Anyway…well, I’ll let you see the outcome. The bottom shoe is one of my old sneakers, the top one, brand new.

DSCN0057

Yep. I bought pretty much the exact same shoe. Pretty soon I’ll be having conversations about my bowel movements and bitching about the price of milk. Great.