Archive for October, 2008


thats the impression that i get

October 30, 2008

The other night, influenced by us going to see “Nights in Rodanthe,” we rented “The Notebook,” a movie which neither of us had ever seen but one of my (incredibly masculine guy-guy) co workers said was “one of the best movies ever.”  I don’t know if I’d take it that far but it was a very very sweet and sad movie which we both enjoyed quite a bit.

When we were curled up in bed afterwards, I looked and S and said, “when you’re old and senile I will read to you. I’ll even read the fantasy books with dragons on the covers.” S kissed my head and smiled and said, “And I will read…..hrm…what would you want me to read to you?”

We kind of looked at each other for a second and at the same time said, “porn.”

Yes, things are nicely on the road to normal.


revelations 10.21

October 22, 2008

” The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in”



October 21, 2008

It was around this time three years ago when this actively became a blog about two girls trying to make a baby. And now, I guess it’s time to realize that at this moment that isn’t meant to be.

It’s kind of with a heavy hand that I’m writing this all – there is such sadness in me over it  – it’s something that I want so badly but know that now is not the time.

So I guess that’s it…The toll that the whole process has taken has done an incredible number on my relationship with S. And in some ways, I think, all of the pressure and angst and anxiety over it kind of just found it’s way into our lives and that’s just how living was. And that’s not good enough for S. And it’s not good enough for me.

We need desperately to work on “us,” and to focus and re-group and remember that our best days have been days spent with each other, and that we need to work more on making those days happen.

There’s a ton of stuff to say but I don’t quite know how yet. For now, I guess, this is the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

I’m so thankful for all of the support that this incredible internet community has given me. I’ve made some of my closest connections with people “here,” and some of you are my “peeps,” who I turn too in times of crisis and need. Thank you all so much.

I’ve spent the last couple of days deleting certain links from my blogroll – it’s just too hard right now. I hope you understand.

I don’t exactly know how this space will evolve, or if it even will.  My head is swimming in a pool filled with some of the hardest emotions I’ve ever had to wade through.

Thanks for everything.



October 19, 2008
Eli, Eli

Shelo yigamer le’olam:
Hachol vehayam

Rishrush shel hamayim
Berak hashamayim
Tefilat ha’adam

O lord, Hashem

I pray that these things never end

The sand and the sea

The rush of the water

The crash of the Heavens

The prayer of the heart


my observation

October 16, 2008

Stupid people really get off on seeing someone everyday and ordinary like themselves running for presidential offices.

Smart people realize that there are people smarter than them who can do the job much much better.

Just sayin.


strong women

October 15, 2008

About a month ago, a young man  was beaten unconcsious because he ‘looked gay.’ In response, there was a rally two weeks ago, and a community building event on Sunday night.  I am so pleased that 1) my sister planned that community event and 2) that Sair and Ms. D both gave their voices to the public at the event.

To them, and all of the other strong women that I am so blessed to be around – thanks. Even though I’m so not a joiner you guys make me…want to.

As for my strong self, healing continues. I’m back at the gym, forcing myself to hold on to the handles of the eliptical machine and I’m mostly dressing myself. Incredible to not be able to totally care for ones self without help. If only the bruising would die down….


a big shock, I know…

October 11, 2008

I’m gay.

Happy National Coming Out day everyone!

For your weekend question – How old were you (if applicable) when you came out? Who did you tell first?

Yeah, I know, two questions. Humor me.