Archive for January, 2008

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The Ice(woman) cometh

January 31, 2008

Before I get to the meat of this post, we had a death in the family today. Yes, today my beloved Mac died. I will say that I did do the responsible thing today and stayed at home. Which means I did NOT jump into my car and drive to Salem, New Hampshire, which is where the closest Apple store is located. Nope, I stayed at home and I really gave thought to the kind of laptop I needed. I mean, do I need a Mac? I can get a comparable pc for a lot less. But I like Apple. A lot. I really really do.  So I think I’m going to get one, but order it on line instead of spending $50 in gas and tolls to pick another one up.  So anyway, I think I’m going to order one tonight. I may think on it a bit longer. Any thoughts from the peanut gallery would be appreciated.

On to the real part of the post. About 4 months ago S started chomping on ice. She’d fill up glasses of ice and chew on it whenever she could.  It was kind of weird, and I was worried about her dental work, but really, there’s a lot of other things she could be fixating on, right?

So when my mom was here for the holidays she mentioned that chewing ice like that is a sign of anemia. When we googled it when we got home we found out that people who are anemic often have weird cravings for chewing on ice, starch, and….um. dirt. Yeah. Thankfully she wasn’t into the dirt. But S waited until a few days ago to make the appointment with her doctor. In the few days since then she’s had a couple of VERY weird temperature flux situations and some other weird things, that passed fairly quickly, but was still kind of weird.

She had her blood drawn this morning and um, her hemoglobin level was around 7. Normal is somewhere above 13. Her other blood levels were really not so good too, so she’s going on some (really harsh) iron supplements today and will have her blood re-tested on Monday. And hopefully it’ll have been caught early enough so that other scary things (like blood transfusions) can be avoided.

Part of what is really yucky about this is that outside of the allergies and asthma, S is in fairly good health. And will all of the close attention we’ve paid to MY medical needs for the past two years maybe we haven’t  been watching her close enough. And this makes me upset too. I mean, yeah I’m not thrilled that this was put off for so long that it’s gotten to a point where it’s serious, but why wasn’t I more attentive? I don’t know. Kind of puts things into perspective.

Anyway, I’m really glad she’s going to be treated for this and soon, because winter’s almost over and you know, all of the snow and ice will melt and I won’t be able to tell her that if she runs out of ice cubes she can just go gnaw on the plow piles.

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Well, I think it’s funny

January 27, 2008

If the Obama campaign was really good they would hook up with the WWF.

“CAN YOU SMELL WHAT BARACK IS COOKIN’???”

Um. Yeah. I still think it’s funny.

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sticking around

January 24, 2008

For the past few weeks I’ve really been considering not paying my hosting bill for the next year, and letting the site expire. I’d just been feeling defeated and like I didn’t have much to say anymore that hadn’t already been said by me, or said better by others. But for whatever reason, I paid the bill this morning. So you’ll have me and m y rambllings for another year at least. Aren’t you lucky!

Things are going pretty well right now. It really looks like we’re going to cycle in in April. This is pretty exciting. I mean, I still need to find a boatload of drugs (thanks to those already in the donation cycle) but I need more to actually make this work without having to eat Ramen during the cycle.

As for work – well, I really really like my job. Yes, I work about 10 more hours a week than I used too and I no longer have the entire weekend off, but, still, my emotional well being at my place of employ is about 100% better than it was 2 months ago and this is a good thing.

Have I told ya’ll what I do? I know I sent an email to friends but I don’t think I really mentioned much here. Without being too specific (as in, serarchable) I now sell vehicles made by an automaker who  has always shown itself to be a bigtime supporter of GLBT issues, as well as making really safe, cool (I think, anyway) vehicles. I love to talk to people, and I really like the product that I’m selling, and well, like I said, I’m good at it, and I’m having a good time doing it.

So far the best part of the job is that I found out that the “company” is sending me to the continental state that most Northeast residents consider to be the vacation destination during the winter months for a few days in a couple of weeks. When it will still be frigid here. This is a good thing. Even better? The whole reason for the trip? To drive the new cars. That’s it. Learn about and drive the new cars. Including the one “sports car” that my company makes. Apparently, I’m going to learn to drive stick in the next 5 weeks. I’m looking forward to the challenge.

Thursday’s are my day off. This is kind of cool as I get stuff done on Thursdays, and S gets stuff done on Saturdays and then Sunday is an easy day for both of us to just spend time together. I’m trying to figure out a excursion to W. Mass to visit friends on a upcoming Thursday, and I think it will work out well, eventually. Today, I’m going to take a drive to a certain fabric shop that a fellow blogger (I can’t link from this site, but ~d, you know I’m talking about you. We need to drink and craft soon) has mentioned a few times and see if I can’t find some fabric for curtains. Also, two of my favorite people are having big birthdays this year and I’m trying to work on a pretty awesome project for them.

So, that’s it. Right now, I need to do my weekly bathroom clean and then start my day. I’m thinking I’d really love a NY bagel, but I’ll take what I can get:) Happy Thursday everyone.

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if she were columbo i would faulk her

January 16, 2008

Last night I did something that I’ve managed not to do for seven seasons. Watch American Idol. But being as so many of my friends seem to enjoy this show very much I thought I would give it a chance. And well. You know, I probably won’t be watching it ever again. I watched for almost the entire show, flipping away only to watch snippets of the train wreck that is “The Biggest Loser.”  I don’t know what I was expecting, but even the people who could sing didn’t exactly bowl me over with superstar quality. And thosee who were clearly not singers did not bring me any kind of enjoyment, mostly I was just hoping that they would shut up and finish quickly. For the most part, the show was filled with freaky people contestants, and not in a good way.

Most freaky? Alexis, the wanna be vet. It’s a shame she didn’t make it through the first round with her rendition of “Someone to Love,” because now she’s going to give “actressing” a try and I just don’t know if the world is ready for her…talents.

And to Princess Leia, who said, “My kids will definitely have Star Wars inspired names.” Don’t do it. Your kids are going to be fucked if you do. They will grow up to hate you. For reals. Just sayin. But hey, she’s a fan and she’s proud of it. It’s always good to have things to believe in, but the force is not with you and like Simon said, “give my love to the Wookie.”

I also particularly liked the social worker from Atlantic City who sang his heart out on a song that he’d written for the youth of America. I don’t think I can come up with the right words for how I think his songwriting skills may convince this country’s youth that abstinence really is the only option.

And speaking of songwriters, Mr. “I wrote this for you, Paula,” took the freakiness cake. I sincerely hope that he was able to get some counseling after his performance. You know, if he wasn’t arrested. But you know he had heart. And if she was a bathtub, he would caulk her. Uhm… yeah. And let’s not even start about me trying to not think about him in Paula’s underwear. Not that I’m against that kind of activity but really this guy was just quite frightening.

Please people, let’s figure out a way to end the Hollywood writer’s strike soon, because um, someone needs to rescue network television.

*Please head over to my friend JB’s blog a little later today if you’re totally offended by my anti-Idol post, as I’m almost sure that he’ll have a different take on it.

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been busy making another food baby

January 13, 2008

Yeah, S and I went on a date last night and we saw Juno. It was kind of hard, but still a really really good movie, perhaps one of the best filmed works I’ve seen in a while. And I’m also guessing that every infertile who has seen it had the same kicked in the gut reaction to the part when Vanessa tells Juno that “all of her friends say that the first trimester is the hardest,” and Juno responds with “it’s a great thing that you don’t have to do it,” or something along those lines.

And I guess for me/us it was a kick in the pants to how we’re going to get “this” thing rolling again. I’m not ready yet to give up the dream of having a baby. S doesn’t particularly care how we get one, but will stand by any decision I make regarding how it gets here for now, and is totally 100% committed to whatever way I choose.

So…we’ll see. I love my new job even though it is about 10 more hours a week of work, and we’re still adjusting our schedules too it. I won’t have health care till next month and I don’t quite yet know what new plan does or doesn’t cover, though I assume probably not infertility related expenses.

I need some medical testing done before I can cycle again so I’m setting those up for the first week of the month that I want to start trying in again.

I need to try and be as kind to my body as I can, and get it into the best shape it can be in for the next try.

I need to do our taxes and see if we can get a huge refund because of how much money we spent on medical expenses last year. Any tax specialists out there willing to walk me through some of this? It’s kind of intimidating for someone who has only ever had to file a 1040EZ and doesn’t actually own anything.

I need to round up all the people who have generously offered me free medications and figure a way to get them here. Also note, still looking for Follistim, so if you’ve got, I would do cartwheels for them. Or make a video of myself doing DDR and post it on youtube for your enjoyment. Apparently, according to my friend K, it’s perhaps the funniest thing he’s ever seen. Or whatever you can come up with. But if you’ve got, I need, and be so so appreciative.

I need to keep my head in the place where it is right now, into thinking that this is something that could work for us this year. I need to get over the fact that if it doesn’t work, it’s a lot of money out the door.  I need to figure out constructive ways to keep myself fully invested in the project, without losing my faith, or my sanity.

….It looks like I need to do a lot of things. I guess I also need to not let myself get overwhelmed with all of the things that need doing, and just do my best to get them done.

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A little failure on your day off

January 10, 2008

Thursdays are my weekday off. I was lazing about watching Martha when I noticed that an ambulance was at my building, taking one of our neighbors to the hospital. Shortly after that, his sister (who also used to live in this building) in law knocked on my door with neighbors 7mo old daughter, and her 3 year son (who was born when they lived here) and asked if I could watch them for about an hour. Being a nice person, even though I was unshowered and in pj’s said of course.

The first thing I did? Turned on a movie. I suck. A, the boy, was very happy to watch The Little Mermaid, play with his spiderman puzzle, and eat his (cheetos, sugarwater juice, and gummy candy) snacks. I managed to get him to have a yogurt smoothie when he was still hungry and hoped it would get some nutritional value into him for the day but I can’t be judgemental on what other parents feed their kids especially when I basically parked him in front of the TV.

The baby was adorable and sweet, but um, we don’t really have any kid stuff here at all, outside of MY toys which um, I’m not quite ready to share yet. I did find two teddy bears that didn’t have their tags still on them, but she was uninterested. So i let her have what she was interested in. Which was renewal cards from one of our magazines. I happily let her chew on them. See, I suck.

I keep telling myself that it was short notice and well, you know I give props to my Seventh Day Adventist neighbors leaving their kids with an unshowerd, pajama clad, Jewish, gay neighbor.  And I was a good human being for taking on the kids w/o any notice. But still. I dunno. I know this post doesn’t have much of a point but I’m totally doubting my abilities to actually care for small children.

And speaking about children. There’s a possiblility that we could do our second cycle in March – you know, if the money fairy, and the donated drug stars all align at the same time. But I feel like I haven’t been taking great care of my body. The new job has totally shifted my attitude and my mental health is probably better than it’s been in a while. But still, I can’t get rid of the “what the fuck are we thinking spending all this money on something that might not work again or, worse, work again and then lead to another dead baby” thoughts. I need to figure out a way to get my head on right….any suggestions?

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the scent of longing

January 4, 2008

Over five years have past since my dad died. I miss him every day and I can’t even tell you what the pain in my heart feels like when I think about him, or an event that he *should* be at happens. I will admit that the frequency of me bursting out into tears when I think of him have lessened but when they do happen, they are as ferocious as they were five years ago.

When he died, both the during and the aftermath weren’t pretty. He was living with his girlfriend of a few years (who was around 30 years his junior, and well, not so bright,) and I was living in Massachusetts. I am the oldest of my immediate brother and sister, but I’m my dad’s middle child, having 2 half siblings who are considerably older than me. He’d disowned both of them, but after he started getting sick, he had a closer connection with his oldest daughter.  He’d been battling stomach cancer for about a year. He went into the hospital complaining of stomach pains on July 4 of 2002. That was the last day he would see conciousness, and the outside world. He lived on machines for over a month, which was terribly hard to see knowing that that’s not a choice he would have made for himself, but I was not the primary decision maker in the situation, his girlfriend was. And my older sister made it clear that she was next in command. Still, I made as frequent visits to NJ as my job allowed. I set my schedule so I’d have 3 days off to make the visit, just to see him.

On August 10, in the middle of the afternoon while I was at work, I got a phone call from his primary doctor at the hospital. In a very casual voice she told me that my dad had developed some severe blood clots in his legs (they’d inserted screens in his veins the week before) and that they’d like to amputate his leg. And I asked “What about L? She’s the decision maker here?” And the doctor told me that after trying for the entire day to reach either her or my older sister, she’d called me as I was third on the list and a decision had to be made immediately.  And I knew that if I told the doctor to cut off my fathers leg that IF he ever woke up he’d kick my ass so hard with his remaining leg that his foot would probably exit my mouth. I asked her what his chances were if I told her to go forward with the surgery. She told me that he’d basically live another day, but it wouldn’t increase his chances of ever waking up.  So I told the doctor that I would call her right back.

I hung up the phone, cried for a minute, tried to reach both my dad’s gf and my older sister to no avail. And then I made a decision.  I called my younger brother and sister and asked them both if it would be ok if we stopped his suffering. And they said, “ok.” I called the doctor and asked that she take him off all machines, and to only give him pain medications for that moment. I hopped in my car, drove to NJ, picked up my sister, and we went and said goodbye. He made it through the night, and we visited him again in the morning, to say goodbye once more.  We left for the 5 minute drive home, and as we pulled into the driveway I got a call from his nurse telling us that he had died.

My older sister turned up that day and while she didn’t say anything to me about having made the decision, I think she was grateful that I’d done it. We planned his funeral together. Dad’s gf was nowhere to be seen until the funeral day. The aftermath was dirty. For whatever reason she didn’t let us into his apartment, and she disappeared days after the funeral. Last I’d heard she was in Wyoming, with another elderly boyfriend. My brother was given my fathers pocket watch, which was his fathers, at the funeral, but outside of that the only things of his that we had were one sock, his eyeglasses, a decaying rose-petal snow globe with Mary in it, and a old cowboy hat.

It saddens me that we don’t have any of his “stuff,”  if only for a more tangible connection to him. My sister and I would call his voice mail a few times a week just to hear is voice. I can’t tell you the amount of tears we shed the day that his service was turned off.

It would please me greatly to have been able to get a few pieces of artwork that I particularly liked, or even more importantly, I would have loved to have one of the many duplicate pairs of white sneakers that he would buy whenever they were on sale and in his size. He even wore two different white sneakers to my college graduation party. It was pricelessly hysterical.

But if I close my eyes I can see him, and If I shut off the outside world I can hear him talking and laughing, and I can even hear how he would yell my name, elongating all  three syllables, when I had done something especially bad. And I can smell him.

My father, for as long as I can remember, wore Canoe. As he got older and his senses dulled a bit he wore a lot of it. I forever associate the smell of it with him, and well, old men in general, but mostly with getting big, encompassing hugs from him and inhaling it off of his sweater.  After he died, I’d spray some of it whenever I saw it – yes, it would reduce me to tears but oh, how I loved the moment of remembrance.

But, as old men die off, their colognes do so as well, and honestly, not too many places carry Canoe anymore. Not even the cheap drugstores (at least not here.)  Imagine my surprise when we were at a local drugstore a few days after Christmas, and there, tossed in with the discount High School Musical and Drakkar Noir, was one lonely bottle of Canoe. It was $25. Best money I ever spent.

I sprayed it on my hand and kept smelling it for hours, never mind that the stuff actually kind of gives me a headache. I got back to the house and told my mom to smell it and she did, and smiled, and said that, “when we were together he didn’t wear that cheap shit.” But smiled, and I could see the tears in the corner of her eye. And my sister- instant tears, and the request to not use it all so that we could just smell “him” from time to time.

As much as I wish we didn’t have to have “from time to time,” instead of the real thing, I don’t know if words can express how grateful and happy I am to have one more tangible thing that reminds me of my father.