Archive for August, 2007



August 28, 2007

I thought I would update you all on what I’ve actually been up too for the past 5 days, you know, other than freaking out about the low egg retrieval or trying to not worry about the embryos falling out every time I go to the bathroom.

Needless to say, it’s been a fairly inactive couple of days. In fact I’ve only left my house THREE times. I know. Exciting. So basically, I’ve been watching a LOT of movies and TV on DVD, and also playing a shit ton of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Here are my entertainment reviews:

Season 2 of Noah’s Arc – Perhaps this LOGO created show isn’t quite as compelling in the second season but the story line is still good, and the acting is still shit, which is fine. Really. I kind of love that about this show. It’s an honest to goodness gay soap opera with all the crazyness that kind of show is known for. I think there’s a deeper social meaning to this show, as very different images of black gay men are not often shown on the television, especially not more feminine black gay men, of which there are a few on Noah’s Arc.

Season 2 of Dead Like Me I think this show originally aired on Showtime, but as we don’t have cable, I’m not sure. Anyway it’s a really really dark comedy about grim reapers. Seriously. In this show, the reapers job to “mark” a person just before they are about to die an especially violent death, to release their souls before they can feel any pain. Mandy Patinkin plays Rube, the “boss” of the reapers, and his not always well behaved band of employees are headed up by 18 year old George, a girl who experienced her tragic death when she was hit in the head by a flaming toilet seat that came off of the Soviet space station. I know. How can this be funny? Can’t explain but I find it to be terrifically entertaining TV. Which isn’t always that easy to come by.

Metrosexuality I think that this was a British TV show that they’ve packaged as a movie for us in the US, but again, not sure. It’s about a broken up gay couple in London who before their separation, raised a (now 18 year old) child together, and that boys attempts at trying to get his dads to reconcile. There’s a ton of sub plots, and the dialogue was REALLY fast and full of somewhat uncommon brit-isms, but was pretty easy to catch on too. This movie was kind of long, with a few too many sub plots, but there were some good moments. Again, another portrayal of different kinds of black gay men, but also some pretty stereotypical stuff as well. It was ok, though I probably wouldn’t highly recommend.

John Tucker Must Die Typical teenage movie. Totally mindless entertaining. Though, for dumb typical teenage movies, it wasn’t so so bad. Though seriously, don’t go running out to get this one.

Hot Fuzz So I saved the best for last. I LOVED this movie and I usually hate cop movies but this was really funny. Big city cop is sent to the country because he’s too good and making the other city cop’s numbers look bad. Once said cop gets there, he realizes that things are not so kosher. While I will admit there were some terrifically gross and bloody scenes but they are pretty hysterical. Seriously, my highest recommendation.

So that’s it. Anyone else seen these and have an opinion?


An update

August 27, 2007

I’m not going to lie, it was a rough, tense weekend. S took excellent care of me and we pretty much didn’t do anything at all except relax and watch movies and talk. I know I’ve kept some of you in suspense but I didn’t want to update stuff only to be let down by the end of the weekend. I only wanted to do this once….so, for that, I’m sorry but sometimes my own self protection takes top billing. Anyway… on to the info you really care about.

Of the three eggs, two fertilized. On Sunday they told me that they were 4 celled embryos, one grade A, and one grade B.

An hour ago we went to the office loaded up with our fertility charms (thanks ~D, they still mean a lot to us) and well wishes and prayers from family and friends. They transferred both now 8 celled embryos. Doctor Excitement said that they looked beautiful, and that they couldn’t be any better looking than that. And also that they looked like girls. Hahahaha.

Now, I’m kind of loopy from the valium (which is kinda nice. Perhaps it will become my new drug of choice) and am feeling like a nap may be in order.

Thank you so so so much for all of your kind words. And for the private email exhange. And phone calls. And prayers. And light. Thank you.

I’m feeling slightly optimistic. It feels really good to be there, right now.


The fruits of love grow all around, But for me they come a tumblin’ down

August 24, 2007

Three eggs retrieved.
Don’t know why it’s so low.
They did ICSI because the number was so low.
Finding it hard to keep up hope.
Am miserable and sore, mostly.

Gearing up for tomorrow’s “none fertilized” phone call.

Please don’t tell me it only takes one. Please.


did you look up at the stars and feel something for the constellations?

August 23, 2007

Another music review from the littlestpea!

If you like good folk-rock music with exceptionally well written lyrics, today is the day you buy Josh Ritter’s new album, “The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter.”

Seriously. Reviewers are already calling this the album of the year. If you haven’t already, it’s time to jump on the Josh Ritter Bandwagon.

I first heard Josh’s music when I was living in Northampton, Massachusetts. I was driving home from my job in Springfield on a early fall afternoon. I was going the long, back way home, along Rt. 47, listening to “The River,” when the song “Golden Age of Radio,” from his first album came on the air.

Living on the edge of the city limit line
This is where the boundary finally ends
And I swear that we’re the last living souls in a populated ghost town
All the billboards are our best friends
Which way did our last chance go and can we
Get out if we go right now?
It seems that with the malls and the mega-church stadiums
We would get out if we knew just how

I fell in love immediately and ran out and bought the album on my way home. I was even more in love. There wasn’t a bad song on the album. Yes, it was rough, and perhaps a little under produced, but that was part of the charm. On songs like “Come and Find Me,” he sang:

If I could trace the line that ran
Between your face and your sleight of hand
I would guess that you put something up my sleeve
Now every time I see your face bells ring in a far off place
We can find each other this way I believe

I saw him play live at the Iron Horse a few weeks later and his rawness and talent just blew me away and I’ve been a huge fan ever since. He continued to wow me with his next album, “Hello Starling,” and then again with “The Animal Years.” And the wows me again with newest offering. And it’s totally different, but brilliant, and gorgeous. Highly recommend – along with his older works.

There  are some samples from this and all of his albums on his website, Let me know what you think, or if you agree with my opinions about this artist.  (Yes. Hd. I know you do.)


“I feel so optimistic”*

August 22, 2007

I will be Triggering tonight. Retrieval is Friday at 10:30. My e2 was up at 1200 today!!!!

Nurse wonderful predicts 9 eggs, 7 of which will be mature, and of which all 7 will fertilize. She hasn’t been wrong yet this month for anyone. So. I’m actually feeling excellent about things.  Really. I’m letting myself go there. Because it sucks to read bad stuff and then obsess about what bad things can go wrong. The reality is that only ONE thing can go right, and pretty much a zillion can go wrong. So I’m just going to focus on that one thing, take my one last medicated shot tonight, enjoy the coasting tomorrow, and be totally ready for Friday.

So yeah. Thanks for all your notes, (both here and privately) and good thoughts, and prayers. Perhaps save up a few for Friday morning:)


*Tell me what movie that is from and I’ll think you’re super cool. Here’s a hint. Think about that line said over a mouthfull of gummy bears. *grin*


the horror *edited*

August 21, 2007

I am so bloated and tender right now and all of my own clothes were uncomfortable so I wore SWEAT PANTS to work. Being as I don’t actually OWN a pair of sweat pants, I had to borrow them.  This is horrible.

Retrieval pushed to Thursday. Trigger tonight Friday(hopefully.) I’m trying to not get worried about my retrieval being 3 4 days after the estimated retrieval day was. Because of the PCOS I think my clinic may have been a wee bit too cautious. Had MAJOR doses (for me) of meds last night – 225 Follistim/75 Menupur.

Tonights meds? 300 Follistim, 100 Menupur. 

(normal had been 100/125 Follistim, no Menupur.) Anyone have similar experiences?


i tear my heart open just to feel

August 20, 2007

Truth of the matter is, no matter how calm or nonchalantly I express myself during this cycle, the reality is that there is a tremendous amount riding on it, and I’m starting to feel that.  Or rather, I’m starting to LET myself feel that, and that’s okay.  I’ve been thinking so many different thoughts over the past two weeks, as this IVF cycle has really ramped up and I guess as today is likely “trigger” day, it’s all coming to a head here, now.

I’m scared this won’t work. I’m scared it will. I want it to so very very much. I’d like to not fail. I’d like to not lose a very very expensive gamble.  I’ve had 6 ultrasounds and blood draws in the past seven days. S is injecting me with medications multiple times every evening. The eggs are growing. There are a good number of them, but not a scary, OHSS number. My e2 levels have been low but they are steadily climbing and I’ve been both calmed and encouraged at the news Nurse Wonderful feeds me every afternoon, which is good, because I often feel discouraged after the ultrasounds.  One part of me wants the zillion eggs PCOS’r’s are supposed to get. The other part of me knows how much my clinic has my back, and is doing there damndest to keep me safe and healthy. I also will take quality over quantity every time. So if we get 14 perfect, well developed eggs, I’ll take that over 35 crappy ones. It’s also somewhat nice to know that my OHSS risk is lower and that they are serious about watching for it. 

Using a smaller clinic has it’s benefits, not only more individualized care and a higher success rate (probably because of the detailed care) but I feel like everyone from my Dr, nurse, sonographer, and phlebotomist all know me a little bit, and really care about me when they ask about my progress. This is certainly a comfort.

I feel like I have so so much support from family and friends. Starting with my wife. She’s been so amazing – I don’t even have words to go into it.  As has my mom, checking up on me almost daily, asking if I want her to come up and be with me during retrieval/transfer time. I’ve said “no thanks,” but the sentiment was much appreciated. My sister will be the best aunt ever, this I am sure of. As much as I joke about and tease her, I am certain she will likely be the best aunt in the world history of aunts and deep down I’m so so glad that she will be around in the next few weeks to be here for tears of joy, or sadness.

My friends have been incredible support as well. There’s one local friend who has been so amazing to both S and I during this time that I don’t even have the words to thank her, I just hope that I can find some, and soon, as she’s made this uncertain time easier for both of us, and has taken great care of us as well.  I also have great thanks for those friends who check in with phone calls and emails, and who I know include us in their daily prayers and meditations. Most importantly, I guess, is that every time we do our injections in the evening I think of, and silently thank those women who donated their leftover medications to us. I think with great hope of the possibility that these drugs that I’m using have the potential to have helped create 4 (or more if I can pass them on) miracles and dreams come true. This is a pretty amazing thought, to me, anyway.

Weird coincidence things are starting to occur and I’m trying to not read into them. It looks like my transfer day will be my father’s birthday.  We’d be getting our beta numbers just before Rosh Hashanah. Does this mean anything? I don’t know. I don’t usually believe in superstition, but it seems like in times like these, the mind wants to grasp onto whatever it can as hope, or a sign, or just…something special.  My sister says that she’s “doing the secret” for us and this baby and that she already knows that she’s going to be an aunt next year.  I don’t think I believe in that but it can’t hurt to have more people rooting for us, can it?

Also creeping into my thoughts is my relationship with G-d. I can’t ever remember a time when I prayed for something that would benefit me directly. This kind of makes me feel weird, but I also think there’s never been a better time to ask for something for myself.  I’m always asking G-d to watch over my family and friends and to keep my loved ones safe. I’ve never asked to be watched over myself. 

So, kids, that’s about it. I know, it’s rare that I just…open up like this, but I know that those who know me, or have been long time readers have probably felt like I’ve been leaving stuff out. And I have. I haven’t been talking about the process, or how my scans have been, or what being injected is like for me. I’m sorry, but I’m probably just guarding my heart and head from the possible let down. Though I’m slowly realizing that either way, either outcome, I’m going to need “your” support. Which is funny, isn’t it? I mean I know pretty much no one locally who knows what this is like. Very few (though to be fair, the one I know who has gone through this has been wonderful with her advice, thanks R) who I can say “come over and eat dinner and talk with me about this, and how it was for you.”  And having all of you is better than just having one of “them.”

Thanks for being my support.