Archive for September, 2009

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if it be your will

September 27, 2009

Welcome to my first foray into not so sober blog writing.

My lizard Mali died today. I’m really sad. He wasn’t really a play with lizard but he was fun to watch and he would eat dandelion greens out of my hand which was maybe the cutest thing ever.

I called S to help me out. She’s promised for years that she would take care of dead animals. And she lived with Mali for 6 years. And she really wanted to visit him before he died (i’d had some inklings that he wasn’t doing well) but didn’t make it so. yeah. I’m really sad actually. He made it not so lonely.

And then I went out and many scotches later I’m home. and sad. and somewhat alone.

DSCN0928I”ll miss you.

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i’ve got your shadow it’s on my heart

September 25, 2009

Right now my life is my favorite mark of punctuation: the interrobang.

Everything is so exciting and fairly wonderful that I take it all in with the question of “is this really happening?” But yeah. I guess it is.

Of course there’s the not so pretty side of life and work and love and friendship but that’s always going to be there, right?

So forgive the…..sweeping of anything negative away while I enjoy the interrobang.

And um. I’m feeling a new tattoo coming on. Just sayin’.

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try to be more assured, try to be more right there, try to be less uptight, try to be more aware

September 19, 2009

Shana Tova! Happy New Year! Welcome to 5770. My promise to myself is to do my best to focus on the positive, and to be as positive as I can possibly be in this new year. I’m going to eschew the negative, keeping those energies out of my day to day. I’m going to continue to work on both my mental and physical health and be as strong as I can be in both areas. I’m going to spend more time figuring out how I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, and partner. I’m going to try to continue to figure out how I best communicate and continue to recognize when and why I break down in that cycle. I’m going to do my best to let people love me without fear and reservation. This year is going to be about love and hope, and not about sadness, depression, and negativity.

I’ve spent the last few months preparing for this year – the actual change in dates being a marker of time, a marker of where I am in the process. Falling in love has never quite been such a shock to my system before. Probably because I wasn’t expecting it with…..(still no nickname.) I mean really not expecting it. Ever. I’ve known her for years. It’s the first time I’ve ever been involved with someone who I knew and loved as a friend, first. It is a little bit strange, but in some ways tremendous – because I know who she is – like really is. I know, without a doubt at all how badly she’d like to have a family. I know how wonderful she is with children – how they seem to just…flock to her with some sort of weird kid magnetism. She could be exhausted, sick, whatever, and STILL somehow have the ability to play with, swing, or sing to a child who wants her attention. It amazes me.

She lavishes this affection on me as well. It amazes me all the time how much patience she has for me and all of my hiccups. She knows how cautious I am about jumping into things, and she knows how badly I’ve been hurt. She’s been in that bad place too. I know where her weaknesses are, and her issues, and she knows mine and we’ve both agreed that they’re things we can deal with and work through together. She knows what my intentions for my life are, what I want and desire, and she also knows that I don’t make promises lightly. She understands my hesitation and reservations and just says that she’ll just have to continue to show me and tell me. Amazing.

She continues to surprise me with day excursions and adventures and well…I’m just terribly smitten and falling (ok, fell) and focusing on us – but also remembering who I am and what makes ME happy as a person – which, I think, is going to do me well in my future. I’m remembering to take time for me and my friends and continuing to explore and cultivate new friendships and connections as well.

I’m going to enjoy the life that working hard affords me. As much as I don’t particularly love the work I do, I DO love the people I work with, and I do like the money part, quite a bit, and will continue to use it to do things that fill my heart and soul with happiness, while also being slightly more responsible about saving for the future.

I will continue to pursue my dreams of becoming a parent. I will not be discouraged or negative about this anymore. It’s not just a shot in the dark, it will happen, and I will continue to not. stress. about the process.

I will focus on spending the next year continuing the growth that I’ve begun and being the best person that I can. I’m grateful for all that I have, and for the opportunities and good fortune I have to be in a position where I can reflect like this, and strive for excellence in my life.

What are your goals for the new year? What are you grateful for?

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and you got me wanting you

September 17, 2009

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. I’m surprisingly nonchalant about it. I had a moment before I went to bed last night where the tears started, out of frustration mostly.

Part of it has been that A has well, just not seemed to be able to be respectful of me or my boundaries lately, and I called her on it, via letter, this week. I think I was pretty clear and am hoping that my point was made and that well, she gives me the space I’ve asked for. I really need it – I’m not in a place where contact with her is good for me.

As for S? I’m more forgiving for her, I think. I was in love with her for a long time, and as badly as she hurt me, my forgiveness factor is higher. Additionally, she seems to have respect enough for me to be somewhat quiet about what her relationship is like (as am I, with the relationship I’m in) so that I’m not constantly poked with needles about it – which is what kills me about A’s behavior.

And truth be told? They were both jackasses. Or, as my new favorite word for jackasses, douchenozzles. But I allowed myself to be treated badly for a long time and I’ll take ownership of that.

But I’ll also own the changes I’ve made. Which, for the most part are really really good. I am able to understand my emotions and feelings and can accurately describe them to other people. I’m following my dreams and desires. I’m clear-headed most of the time. I’m physically healthy, and getting more-so every day.

As for my heart? Well, my heart is being cautious but trusting. It’s also still on my sleeve, raw and beating. But she (I know, I need something to call her) has enveloped me in a sweater of love and sweetness, the kind that I’ve never worn before – and I’m finding that it fits me very well.

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and didn’t i go and shout it when you walked in to the room

September 11, 2009

I write, you read, it is a pretty great relationship we’ve got going on here! I’m going to try to write more but you know, I guess it’s easier to not write when you’re happier. But I also know it’s pretty good for me to write so I’m going to try to be more diligent about updates.

But the truth of the matter is that things are pretty happy. Work is great, my apt is great, my friends are great, and well, I’m pretty sure I have a girlfriend and things are pretty great with her. Really. It’s incredible to feel really…I dunno. Appreciated for who I am and I don’t feel any pressure to be anything but myself.

I’m playing more, getting out more, and just….well, content and excited are two really good words right now.

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this is where i’m staying, this is my home

September 4, 2009

and 4 hours later….this is the bottom half, the top is identical to the patch of cherry blossoms (and some random scattered ones for discordance) that already reside on my left shoulder. They still require shading so I’ll post the whole thing whenever that gets done. The bottom part is the companion piece to the swallows holding the “patience” banner on the left……I’m very very pleased.