Archive for June, 2009

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i forget what 8 is for

June 30, 2009

I’m recognizing that this blog is kind of no frills looking. I love my header photo, mostly because I took it, and I remember it being a really happy day for me. I’m sure that the happiness had something to do with others, but I’m ok with that – I’m really working on the happiness I can bring myself.

Which brings me to today. Emotionally, it was a really hard day. But I pushed through it. And I’m going to sleep too late but, I hope it is restful slumber.

A recap:

Hours worked: 10
Miles run: 4
Watermelon eaten: 1/4
Shirts Ironed: 12 – I don’t think I can explain how much I hate/am bad at ironing, but I saved myself over $30 in dry cleaning fees. Visual proof. And. Yes. I am so anal retentive about my closet it’s not even funny. Slacks on the right. Next Jeans. Shirts. Ties, separated into two racks by color/shade. SO gay. So gay.
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Cigarettes smoked: 0

And I probably am speaking too soon but I’d bet dollars to donuts that tomorrow is going to be CD1.

CD1. Holy fucking fuck. Really? What the fuck am I doing? I refuse to over think this I refuse to over think this I refuse to over think this.

Gah.

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i drank 16 doubles for the price of one

June 29, 2009

Well, not quite that many, I’m maybe the worlds biggest drinking lightweight. I did however indulge a few times this weekend – first at the local “Bier Garden,” which I LOVE because they have a HUGE deck outside, lots of beer choices, and great food. It’s also tucked behind the busiest street in the Old Port and so it feels like you’re in a totally different place, surrounded by tall buildings but….quiet and in your own space. This is what joy looks like at NR.
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That would be banh mi (on very few menus even at Vietnamese restaurants around here, but perhaps my favorite sandwich,) served with some chips, a gorgozola cheese plate w/ Marcona almonds with a balsamic glaze. Beverage = Brooklyn lager. MMMM. And, the company was delightful as well. Even better than the drinks and eats.

The next night found me at E and J’s house with a bunch of friends and my sister enjoying the following food/drink plate –
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If you’ll recall-that’s my new favorite beer served with baguette w/ Taleggio and strawberries and balsamic. So freaking good I can’t even tell you. I think that if I could survive (and be healthy) eating only bread, cheeses, and fruits – I would totally do it.

This weekend also found me watching a movie about paraplegic wannabes (I so get to choose next time,) sharing two other lovely meals with great company, and going to see, “my sister’s keeper.”

I also found a little bit of time to do this…..(totally sober, promise:)) and prove to my sister that theres not a chance that she will ever beat my car…and please do not besiege with tips on auto safety and speed limits. There is no point in having a sports car if you can’t do this every so often – and it was on a mostly empty highway, so. yeah. I’m a little sensitive about this because of the whole it’s illegal and probably somewhat unsafe thing and I’m probably over-thinking it all but…damn is it fun to drive fast and I wish we had autobahn rules in the US. Just sayin’.

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A non emotional/emotive/emo post from me. Don’t get all excited, I’m sure I’ll pump one out later in the week. For now? I’m enjoying things. I fit into my all time favorite pair of jeans that I’ve been moving around with me for 7 years. I’m going to a baseball game this week. I’ve got a great event to go to later in the week, and because July 4 is a Saturday? Two. Day. Weekend. Bliss.

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June 29, 2009

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and when i die, i expect to find him laughing

June 25, 2009

Even though today was my day off, it totally was packed with just…so much stuff that i’m just winding down now at 11pm and I barely feel any kind of relaxed.

Outside of petty car paperwork things and silly laundry (of which there was a ton, but, whateves, every pair of underwear I own is clean, so there’s solace in that) I had my weekly self-love in with my therapist and my acupuncturist.

I really love my therapist. She gets me and knows where my walls are and knows how to help me climb up and peek over them to see what’s on the other side. And as shown by my clear outbursts towards S on Monday, I’m very much working my way through the “anger” phase of my healing – and was, perhaps for the first time, able to clearly state how much S hurt me, to her, including how I felt that she was unfair in how she went about ending things, unfair about how she treated me, and that I felt like she cheated on me under the guise of having an open relationship.

And I think she agreed. And I know she knows how badly she hurt me. And so now, knowing that there’s not even a snowball’s chance in hell that we might reconcile (that was made quite clear) I’m supposed to start grieving. Because if I don’t do that, it seems that I’ll never get “beyond.” I just need to figure it out. Apparently it involves lots of tears and some sobbing, which I’m not particularly prone to doing and I’m not quite feeling it about this yet.

I do know that every person (okay, with an exception of the one who was in my life before the break-up but isn’t now so it almost doesn’t matter) that I’ve been involved with since February has been almost entirely about distraction. That’s not to say I didn’t have feelings for some of them – but S and I were together for a long time, and I’m not just going to be able to extract myself and my emotions out of that immediatly, and it’s going to take some time. I almost think there’d be something wrong with me if I was suddenly able to function at 100% so soon after my marriage had ended. I guess what’s hard right now is that there’s someone with whom I can fairly easily say I have real feelings for. I acknowledge that there’s a distraction piece in it – but my thinking? I think I may have to step away and deal with me. Because if there is something really good there, I don’t want any part of it to be about the comfort of distraction. And if it goes away? Well. I guess I’ll be sad but not broken and just another thing that’s come along where all I can say is, “it is what it is.”

“It is what it is.” I’ve said this more in the past 6 months than I can remember. I’m actually getting pretty fucking tired of “it is what it is.”

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i’m really missing you

June 21, 2009

It’s always about this time, mid afternoon, that Father’s day creeps up on me and I become a mess of a person who finds herself doing something that at first seems innocuous and then turns into a ball of tears.

This year I found myself making ratatouille. I was in the store. Eggplant looked good. So I bought it and started cooking and by the time I put it in the oven I was thinking about the little ceramic dishes he used to serve it in and the tears started.

Running into S, and A at breakfast this morning kills also. I miss Father’s day with her and her family who I really did truly love. And I’m just still so angry that she would allow someone else to get in the way of our marriage – to not recognize what was going on and how she was really no help to us, or figuring out how we could make us continue and be stronger.

And for my catty moment, I have never seen A looking as awful as I did yesterday/today – mind you, I haven’t seen her in months, but seriously she’s just…put on a ton of weight and not looking terrifically happy. S doesn’t particularly look well either and I can only just….wonder what’s really going on with her/them. I mostly just don’t want to know, but fuck, we spent 6 years building a life together that it seems like it was just torn away in minutes.

In happier news, pride wasn’t awful. I made it back for some of the festival, spent the afternoon lounging around, and danced and sweated my ass off with a zillion of my closest queer friends and my sister, who, while we’re having some issues of our own, was able to put it aside and have a seriously fun evening.

For now? I’ve rented some movies, and have some turf to cut by tomorrow. And I’ll occupy my thoughts with him, and her, and the new her who I don’t quite yet understand what’s going on but am smart enough to just ride it out and see if some really really good can come from it.

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once i knew a girl in the hard hard times

June 17, 2009

Life is pretty strange right now. I guess, the easiest way to describe what’s sloshing around is that I’m trying to figure out how to stay honest and true to myself and what I need and want, but also not be a giant wrecking ball to those I love in the process. It’s messy. And complicated. And sad. And parts are incredibly bright. Sigh.

I think I’m taking off for a few days. I may even skip Pride this weekend in lieu of somewhere else, or just stay in town and not go. It’s the first time since I came out that I’d not be partaking in Pride events…and that feels weird, but…I’m just not so sure I can handle it right now.

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June 16, 2009

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