Archive for November, 2007


in this great future, you can’t forget your past

November 30, 2007

Tomorrow, December 1 is World AIDS Day. This year is also the 20th anniversary of the AIDS Memorial Quilt. The NAMES Project, which raises funds, houses, and basically takes care of all of the details surrounding the quilt, has tried vigilantly to have all 5748 squares of the quilt on display, and have the names read, for this 20th year of it’s existence. There are panels on display all over the country, and I encourage you to see if there is a viewing in your neck of the woods.



Last night I was honored to be in the presence of 20 panels of the AIDS Memorial Quilt, on display here in Portland.  I found out during the ceremony that when the order for panels went to the NAMES project, specific panels created by men and women in the room were requested to be displayed. Many of the panels contained squares honoring Mainers, and the sadness of the family and friends there to visit their memories in that room last night was almost more than my fragile heart could take. I was not the only one shedding tears last night.

Events like these make me think of how the disease has ravaged the queer community. And how there’s a whole segment of gay men who would now be somewhere between 40-60 who are just pretty much extinct. And I wonder what we could have learned from them, and how their numbers would have been so helpful in the struggle.  And how our Government wasted years of their time in pretending this awful disease didn’t exist, or, deciding that the queer population wasn’t worth helping out in their time of need.

And it makes me sad that I didn’t see that many younger members of the queer community showing their support last night. You can get thousands to show up and drink and dance on a pier, but you can’t get a couple hundred to show up to honor their pasts, and be thankful for the future that they’ve got.

Mostly, I just really really miss my friends.


Good friends we’ve had

Good friends we’ve lost

Along the way

In this great future

You can’t forget your past

So dry your tears, I say

~B. Marley


Happiness in a can

November 29, 2007

Many many many (like 120) moons ago, I happened to be in a relationship with a Canadian who lived in eastern New Brunswick.  I was pretty much a young’in who really wasn’t into partying that much with alcohol which was fine as I wasn’t of age in the United States then. But in Canada….Oh Canada. I was legal as all get out and ready to go. And while I summered in NB that year I was exposed to one of the finest alcoholic elixers ever: Alexander Keiths India Pale Ale.

You should know that I’m NOT a beer drinker. Really. Most beer makes me want to vomit, pretty immediatly. I think I’m allergic to something in the brewing process because I go directly to sick, not even getting a chance to visit the lovely “buzz” on the way to the toilet. So I avoid it. I don’t even like kissing S after she’s had a beer or two.

Every now and then though, I get a craving for beer. Usually what will happen is that I will order a Corona, take two sips, reach my limit and hand it over to S to finish. This craving only happens like, once or twice a year, and usually at a baseball game or other sporting event.

So anyway, back to that summer in NB. I kind of fell in love with Keiths. I mean, yes, I can only have one. And it has to be really really cold. But man, do I enjoy it so much! Bad news? Well, even though geographically we’re really close to where it’s made (NS) you can’t get it here. Even worse? In the past 10 years I’ve had the opportunity to drive through or spend time 8 of the Canadian provinces, and usually, the only places you can get it are NB, NS, PEI, and occasionally I’ve found it in Ontario. Being as most of my Canada time has been spent in the west, I’ve been mostly out of luck for Keiths.

Until yesterday, when one of my companys banking partners came in bearing an eight pack of Keiths. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.  She happened to be in NS for the holidays, took a factory tour there, and remembered that I’d said I’d liked it.  She is my new best friend. At least until it’s all gone. Which should take a while as I’m not sharing, and well, it will take me a while.

You likely won’t hear me say this ever again, but, YAY for beer.


is a dream a lie if it don’t come true, or is it something worse?

November 27, 2007

Very quietly, and with very little fanfare, came and went the 17th of this month. That date is the 2 year anniversary of us trying to get pregnant. Two years later we are spectacularly not pregnant, in an incredible amount of debt, and somewhat heartbroken.

Ah, the joys of infertility.

So with another year passing and no signs of progress on our baby making mission, we are yet again faced with another holiday season without children of our own, either here or on the way. Another year of dreaming about what holidays with a baby would be like. And more futile, “wouldn’t it be nice to give our parents cards with u/s photos in them?” lines of thought.

It’s amazing how over the course of the past two years I’ve been able to think up all sorts of scenarios and conversations that I could have with people about our imaginary baby. Most of the time I think it’s crazy talk and I think that I should seriously consider actually making a move on going to therapy.  Sometimes I can completely rationalize it in my head. Occasionally it makes me smile.  All of the time it makes me cry – generally all of the little moments when I do think about “it” make me some kind of weepy, and with no drugs to blame it on, well, it gets kind of old.

Hopefully the new year will bring us another IVF cycle (or two?) and perhaps closer to reaching our dreams. For now, another happy barrenversary to me.


i hate secrets…

November 26, 2007

…but sometimes you need to keep your mouth shut about things. Hence the password protect post. Email thelittlestpea at gmail dot com for the password. Please tell me what blog you belong to in your request. Thanks:)


Protected: I hate thanksgiving

November 26, 2007

There were honest to goodness great moments this weekend. Really, there were.

For me, Thanksgiving wasn’t one of them. Now, I’m warning you, this is a bitchy post that will probably label me an ungrateful bitch, but whatever.  I think I’m going to start boycotting Thanksgiving. I just didn’t have fun. And I think holidays are supposed to be fun.  Here are the reasons why Thanksgiving is not fun:

1-We drive an hour there, and an hour back in order to spend just under two hours there. This year we had the added pleasure of driving her Aunt down from her temporary group home as well. Great ride.

2-The food isn’t particularly good. I know you all probably think I’m really picky about this, but I’m not. I would just rather eat Turkey that wasn’t the consistancy of shoe leather, and mashed potatoes that could be formed into lead bricks. Though thankfully, this year, no one got any of said mashed potatoes in their hair.

3-Of the six people present, two are us, two are mentally challenged, and two are S’s parents. S’s dad doesn’t particularly speak much when S’s mom is around, and when she’s talking it is usually about herself.  Conversation sucks.

Part of it, I think, is just truly sucktastic. The other part of it is homesickness. I miss bigger holiday events with my lively, funny family. I miss crude jokes, and really freaking good food, and hanging out for hours shooting the shit.

Oh well. So much for giving thanks. I would have been thankful just staying home that afternoon, in from the cold, in my pj’s, in front of the tv.

Next year, I’m going to try very hard to find something else to do on Thanksgiving.


Gobble gobble

November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends. We will be doing our yearly hour long drive to spend just over an hour speed eating at S’s parents house and then return home.  Yep, they filled their house with hairy pets the day after she left for college. Good times, good times.


Not only are Jews fags but…

November 20, 2007

We eat cute pets too.

As seen on the poster advertising Hanukkah feasts from a local cafe:


I think it’s great that they are offering the Jewish community special meal selections for the upcoming Hanukkah holiday. Next time, I hope they spell check.