Archive for May, 2009

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because that’s your best bet

May 29, 2009

Things that are not so ok:

1) heart hurts, again
2) going through the motions
3) feeling empty
4) missing S, and being married to her, a lot
5) being confronted with the realities of S and A being together
6) making decisions that I’m not really understanding
7) falling back on using S as support
Eight) starting to check out of things, again

Things that are ok:

1) I fit into Medium sized t-shirts, and have lost 3 pants sizes
2) I ran outside (as opposed to on a treadmill) and didn’t trip or die
3) I am going to see my favorite people this weekend
4) Favorite people are giving me furniture for my studio and kitchen
5) After making some purchase returns I now have some cash to buy new clothes with (see #1)
6) Late nights spent rolling around in the grass like teenagers with nowhere to….go
7) Still having vacation in June and trying to figure out what to do with it
Eight) Knowing what kind of person I am, and knowing that I am good and honorable and deserving of happiness
9) I have incredible people who love me

I don’t think I can do anything about the whole wearing my heart on my sleeve thing. I think I’m going to try to keep my shirt on a bit more though. I’m going to be open to what life throws at me, and continue to believe in Karma, and just try to live as cleanly as possible.

I just looked at this post and there are smiley face emoticons in it. What the fuck? That’s um. Funny. I think i’ll just leave them because irony is good. And not in a fake “isn’t it ironic” Alanis kind of way, but in a real, that’s fucking irony kind of way.

On second thought it seems like the number 8) with a parenthesis makes an emoticon. Fun.

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still beating

May 28, 2009

late summer early evening
air thick with moisture and anticipation
blindfolded and lined up
gathered with their sticks
each having their turn
swinging at the heart piñata
that hangs still from the porch
rather than bursting with confections
emotions brightly wrapped in pink papers drop
fear and hurt and pain and sadness
joy and love and lust and affection
and they scramble to gather the good stuff
leaving the heart raw and red and torn and empty
dangling and barely pulsing on the string
clutching only one remaining parcel
paper ends twisted tightly around the only thing it can cling to
hope

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just live your life

May 27, 2009

I don’t really know where to go with this post. Just…so many things going on right now and I’m not sure I’m really able to compartmentalize any of them. There’s bad, sad, indifferent, and who knows what else. Once again my friends and sister have been called in to embrace me, let tears fall, and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

There have been some hard days – feeling like I’m on the defense and under attack from everyone. People who I loved, people who I thought I loved, and people who I still love. Three of them chipping away at me, and well, yeah. Too much.

I ended my day home, making dinner for someone I’m hanging out with, watching a movie, and falling asleep wrapped in blankets and warm arms.

Still not knowing what I am, need, or want, and just trying to not hurt myself, or get hurt along the way. It’s clearly too late for that. But…hopefully, hopefully, I’m not going to be doing the hurting myself.

“Well my relationship fodder don’t mean to bother nobody
but Cupid’s automatic must have fired multiple shots at her
cuz she fall in love to often that’s whats the matter
at least I’m talkin’ about it keep my pattern of flattery

She was staring through the door frame
eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend
well she can get her toys out of the drawer then
cuz I ain’t comin’ home I don’t need that attention see

I don’t care what you might think, about me
you’ll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you home
baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn’t be a let down
but sugar don’t forget what you already know

that I could be the one to turn you out
we could be the talk across the town
don’t judge it by the color, confuse it for another
you might regret what you let slip away……

like the geek in the pink”

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the wheels on the bus

May 26, 2009

sometimes my life looks like an incredible opportunity to become the girl who got everything she ever wanted

and sometimes it looks like a train wreck of myself and the choices I’ve been making, all happening in slow motion but without enough time to stop any of it

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thoughts, via lady gaga

May 25, 2009

I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
A little gambling is fun when you’re with me
Russian roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it’s love if it’s not rough it isn’t fun

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next?

May 21, 2009

At some point confusion ends and something else takes over.

I really hope that the something else is more palatable than confusion, though I’m not convinced it will be.

Some moments of some days are so incredibly joyous and wonderful and I forget that I even think about how hard life feels right now.

And sometimes I have to kick start the instinct to tread water and keep breathing.

Blah.

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levity or patheticness?

May 20, 2009

What I find hysterical.
0519091926

Regular Ovary

0519091926aOvary of an IVF patient

Sometimes I fucking crack myself up and then cry.

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make me feel tiny if it makes you feel tall

May 19, 2009

Ben Folds is my friend these days.

I made dinner for S last night. I think it was maybe a dumb thing to do. I mean. I really don’t want her. But I do miss her. And I shouldn’t cook for her. It felt too familiar. Too….I don’t know, intimate. I know that cooking is one of the ways that I show people that I love them. And I don’t think I should have played that card so soon with S. Certainly it’s not something earned or deserved by her. But it just worked out that I had things all prepped and ready for dinner and was missing her or maybe (likely) just lonely for any kind of familiarity, and then….then she was at my house eating Thai food.

I know that we needed to break up. I know that we weren’t doing either one of us any favors by staying together. My need for a family and to feel “most” important was way bigger than what she had to offer. And her seeing through my attempts at being something I’m not wired to be just pushed her away more. But almost six years is a long time.

And we were laughing, and teasing, and joking, and talking. Some gossip. Some hard things.

And then she did the dishes. Because she does the dishes.

And she noticed something that kind of sent spears of…hurt/fear/want/need/loss through my heart and head. She asked about some art that was missing. I’d actually given some of it away but to her I was evasive. She called me out on my living with such an obvious lack of symmetry, and how that must be eating me inside (Yes. I seriously am that anal retentive.)

And I felt…I don’t know what I felt, but I know that….I still don’t know that I want a friendship with her yet. So I brushed her comment aside and moved on to something else. Because she doesn’t get access to that part of me and my decisions anymore.

Are these all the steps that everyone takes or am I just a freak of nature? It felt…like I don’t know. I just don’t know.

And I’m…I guess I feel like I may be (consciously or not) doing everything in my power to fuck up anything good that could happen. Being a jerkface (I can be a serious jerkface. I’m sure some of you wouldn’t think it but really? I can be the meanest, douchiest, jerkface on the planet sometimes) to some that I love, and some that want to love/like/find out about me. I feel like I’m using the parts of me that I’m…just realizing are desireable…to amass a succession of people to just…fill up my time until something better comes along. But in my head knowing (I mean, as much as you think you can know something) that the something better boat probably isn’t going to hit my shores (again??) for a while, if ever.

And I’m just amiss. Thinking about where else I’d want to be. Remembering California. And Massachussets. And places I’ve never been before.

And just so confused that I really don’t know my place, and scared that I may never find it.

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a whale tail tale

May 15, 2009

If I really examine my childhood, I’ve always really liked cars. I remember very clearly falling in love with my first favorite car ever. It was a red Porsche with a whale tail. I saw one at a party that my parents took me to, and I looked at my dad and asked, “can we have that?” I was three.

Years later I found out that in fact my dad went out with every intention of buying one for me (yes, privilege but it is what it is) exactly as I saw it. Bright red. Whale tail. Unfortunately, my dad was 6’4 and all torso and he couldn’t actually sit in the car at all, never mind comfortably.

So, no Porsche for me. As a joke it was always my “dream” car. Joke because I’d probably never ever have enough money to buy one and even if I did, I’m not sure I could justify the 6 digit price tag on something as trite as a car.

This week, I had the opportunity to drive this one.

por

Pretty car, not red, but blue will do. I was pretty jazzed about actually getting to just drive it around for a bit, even if it wasn’t mine, and never would be. I felt kind of like all of my standard transmission driving ups and downs had finally paid off and I was going to get to drive my dream car for just a little bit.

And I got into the car. Soft leather. Comfy seat. Kickass stereo. Awesome Bose speakers.  Vroom Vroom.

And I started driving, first slowly and then letting it out a bit. And it was nice. And fun. But you know what? It was kind of a disappointment.  It’s just a car. I’ve actually been in Subaru’s that shifted better.

It’s cool. And shiny. But. It’s just a car.

And amongst all the other stuff swirling? I think I miss my dad today. It would have been a zillion times better to drive it with him.

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Haven’t had a dream in a very long time

May 14, 2009

There’s so much swirling around in my head right now I almost think I need to walk into a wind tunnel to help blow it all out. Things are kind of good, and mostly interesting right now.  R is awesome. I don’t have enough great things to say about her.

She also lives a zillion miles away. I know that as of right now she’s planning on coming back next month for a bit longer stay. I’m very much looking forward to this. But I also can’t shut out any opportunities that may arise here. Of which there aren’t many but who knows, I’m sure there are tons of hot femmes (or butches, whatever) just chomping at the bit for a neurotic butch with too many shoes. Ones that don’t know my ex-wife in detail. Or any of her friends….wait…no. Yeah. The dating pool here is somewhat limited. I know it sounds like general pessimism but really, it’s the truth.

So for now? Good food. Gym. Good friends. Working on me. Working on really, truly, and actually believing that I deserve the good things that happen to me and that I can work through the bad. Working on being a better sister and friend.

I’m going to continue my honest disclosure of the happy pill experiment. I guess, for the most part, I’m in a generally decent mood most of the time. I will also admit that sad things trigger me to tears a LOT easier than I’ve ever experienced before. I’m not so sure this is a good thing. I mean, I’m sure it is better than the J that never cried, well, you know, except when her dad died and then when S told me she didn’t want kids anymore – but those were knock out, hyperventilating, awful, snotty experiences. This is more of a tearful kind of thing, and I’m really not used to it and I’m not so sure I know how to stop it, either. Sigh.

I also have this feeling in the pit of my stomach – I’ve had it for months, and for whatever reason I can’t shake it. I don’t know what it is but it mostly feels like a ball of small rocks that are snarled up inside of a fishing net that got cut loose and was let to drift in the ocean of my stomach. When I get anxious or nervous it gets worse, when I’m at peace it is abated but sometimes it still wakes me up at night.

I’ve had some preliminary chat conversations with A about nothing in general, and I saw her briefly last weekend. It was awkward and weird, and I’m really not sure if I’m even close to being ready to explore a friendship with her, or S at this point. I’m over them caring about what it is that I’m doing, and I honestly don’t really think about A at all in a more than “I miss you being my bud” kind of way. And I really do miss that aspect. I’m recognizing how much I was really not into more than a physical relationship with her, and that’s probably something that I need to remember should I ever have to make decisions like that again.

I miss S’s company. I miss the easy flow of conversation and patter that we’ve always had – that still shows itself when we hang out with each other now, but neither of us knows what to do with. It’s almost the end of the month where we’ll no longer be financially tied to each other at all, save for car insurance. The cell phone contract ends this week. I’ve already changed my plan. I went to the DMV to renew my driver’s license yesterday, and because I was changing my address, they allowed me to change my name as well. No questions asked, No “where is your name change paperwork,” just sign and go. It felt freeing and sad all at the same time – even though that’s now a huge kick in the pants to really get it changed because eventually something isn’t going to match up right and I’m going to have an issue. And dissolve the domestic partnership agreements. And change my beneficiaries on my insurance, trusts, etc. I don’t even know where to start with that kind of stuff.

And I’m feeling older. And as much as my ideal is to have and raise children with someone who loves me and wants to go at that with me, I’m not so sure that’s going to happen. I don’t think that I’m mentally ready to make any decisions about how or what I’m going to do to go about that – right now I want to continue getting my body into a place where I feel confident and able to carry a child. And that’s going to take time, but I’m beginning to form a preliminary time line in my head. And it’s exciting but it saddens me at the same time that I may not actually get what I really really want.

I guess, I feel somewhat stagnant. I’m in Maine till March of next year, at least. Then? I mean is the community to small for me to explore a real relationship with anyone else here? Do I want to continue to live somewhere where my ex has SO much power and presence in the queer community? Do I just need to meet new people? Do I move? Where too? What will I do if I move?

Gah. And then I let it out here and the overwhelming takes over.

What I wouldn’t give for feeling at ease in my life.