Archive for May, 2009

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because that’s your best bet

May 29, 2009

Things that are not so ok:

1) heart hurts, again
2) going through the motions
3) feeling empty
4) missing S, and being married to her, a lot
5) being confronted with the realities of S and A being together
6) making decisions that I’m not really understanding
7) falling back on using S as support
Eight) starting to check out of things, again

Things that are ok:

1) I fit into Medium sized t-shirts, and have lost 3 pants sizes
2) I ran outside (as opposed to on a treadmill) and didn’t trip or die
3) I am going to see my favorite people this weekend
4) Favorite people are giving me furniture for my studio and kitchen
5) After making some purchase returns I now have some cash to buy new clothes with (see #1)
6) Late nights spent rolling around in the grass like teenagers with nowhere to….go
7) Still having vacation in June and trying to figure out what to do with it
Eight) Knowing what kind of person I am, and knowing that I am good and honorable and deserving of happiness
9) I have incredible people who love me

I don’t think I can do anything about the whole wearing my heart on my sleeve thing. I think I’m going to try to keep my shirt on a bit more though. I’m going to be open to what life throws at me, and continue to believe in Karma, and just try to live as cleanly as possible.

I just looked at this post and there are smiley face emoticons in it. What the fuck? That’s um. Funny. I think i’ll just leave them because irony is good. And not in a fake “isn’t it ironic” Alanis kind of way, but in a real, that’s fucking irony kind of way.

On second thought it seems like the number 8) with a parenthesis makes an emoticon. Fun.

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still beating

May 28, 2009

late summer early evening
air thick with moisture and anticipation
blindfolded and lined up
gathered with their sticks
each having their turn
swinging at the heart piƱata
that hangs still from the porch
rather than bursting with confections
emotions brightly wrapped in pink papers drop
fear and hurt and pain and sadness
joy and love and lust and affection
and they scramble to gather the good stuff
leaving the heart raw and red and torn and empty
dangling and barely pulsing on the string
clutching only one remaining parcel
paper ends twisted tightly around the only thing it can cling to
hope

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just live your life

May 27, 2009

I don’t really know where to go with this post. Just…so many things going on right now and I’m not sure I’m really able to compartmentalize any of them. There’s bad, sad, indifferent, and who knows what else. Once again my friends and sister have been called in to embrace me, let tears fall, and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

There have been some hard days – feeling like I’m on the defense and under attack from everyone. People who I loved, people who I thought I loved, and people who I still love. Three of them chipping away at me, and well, yeah. Too much.

I ended my day home, making dinner for someone I’m hanging out with, watching a movie, and falling asleep wrapped in blankets and warm arms.

Still not knowing what I am, need, or want, and just trying to not hurt myself, or get hurt along the way. It’s clearly too late for that. But…hopefully, hopefully, I’m not going to be doing the hurting myself.

“Well my relationship fodder don’t mean to bother nobody
but Cupid’s automatic must have fired multiple shots at her
cuz she fall in love to often that’s whats the matter
at least I’m talkin’ about it keep my pattern of flattery

She was staring through the door frame
eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend
well she can get her toys out of the drawer then
cuz I ain’t comin’ home I don’t need that attention see

I don’t care what you might think, about me
you’ll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you home
baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn’t be a let down
but sugar don’t forget what you already know

that I could be the one to turn you out
we could be the talk across the town
don’t judge it by the color, confuse it for another
you might regret what you let slip away……

like the geek in the pink”

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the wheels on the bus

May 26, 2009

sometimes my life looks like an incredible opportunity to become the girl who got everything she ever wanted

and sometimes it looks like a train wreck of myself and the choices I’ve been making, all happening in slow motion but without enough time to stop any of it

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thoughts, via lady gaga

May 25, 2009

I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
A little gambling is fun when you’re with me
Russian roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it’s love if it’s not rough it isn’t fun

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next?

May 21, 2009

At some point confusion ends and something else takes over.

I really hope that the something else is more palatable than confusion, though I’m not convinced it will be.

Some moments of some days are so incredibly joyous and wonderful and I forget that I even think about how hard life feels right now.

And sometimes I have to kick start the instinct to tread water and keep breathing.

Blah.

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levity or patheticness?

May 20, 2009

What I find hysterical.
0519091926

Regular Ovary

0519091926aOvary of an IVF patient

Sometimes I fucking crack myself up and then cry.