Archive for April, 2009


let her in on your secret heart

April 30, 2009

I have the best friends and the best sister in the universe even if they drive me crazy and tease me about R. I think that, outside of the fact that none of them want me to get hurt and that none of them want to see me forget about the work I’m doing on me, they kinda like her – enough to indulge me in making “how to” cell phone videos (microwave smores w/andes candies) and getting into random phone conversations with her.

As for R…..yeah. I feel like I’m in 5th grade and I’ve passed a note to her which reads “Do you like me? Circle one” that has a big YES and NO at the bottom of the page. I know the answer is yes but there is such a…sweetness about all of this that just makes my heart warm up from its chilly slumber. I haven’t felt this good in a long time.

I’ve lost a lot of weight, perhaps not in the healthiest of ways, but at this point I’m committed to keeping it off and getting healthier. I’ve been going to the gym almost every day, and the days that I don’t I’ve tried to at least do a few moments of SOMETHING moving – a run on the beach or even a walk around the dealership in the middle of the day.

I’m working on being a better sister and a better friend. I’m hoping that what I’m working on now is something I can maintain even if I do get into another relationship with someone – I’ve sorely missed just having…friends outside of the people I’m involved with. I’m learning some things about myself, and am trying to continue to explore the “what happened” in my relationship with S and with A. I know that I’m not made to be in love with more than one person, even though I tried really really hard to. I just…as much as I feel different relationships can work for different people, and I still don’t think monogamy is the only answer, and while there were tremendous moments of beauty with S and A – I know that I need the reassurance that I am someone’s most important person, and that nothing will change that.

So yeah. That’s what’s up this week. I think there’s some really amazing stuff just beyond the horizon…


a perfect weekend

April 27, 2009

Even though I have to work on Saturdays, it didn’t really matter this weekend. That is because it was belated birthday weekend for me! I have amazing friends, J and A. They are my peeps. They are, without a doubt, outside of my sister and other blood relatives, my two closest people. I care most about them. If I was told that I had to only pick 5 people who I could talk to for the rest of my life they would both make the grade.

I’ve known them both for over a decade. They’re almost 20 years older than me, and often times they are the clearest voices of reason in my life. Their advice is almost always dead on accurate, and I value them so so so much. So much that I doubt they’ll ever know how important they really are to me.

This weekend they came up for a belated birthday weekend. My big present was a meal at Arrows, perhaps one of the best restaurants in Maine, and much of New England as well. Admittedly there is some pomp in the service – special butter menu, and water menu – but when it comes to the food, and service – it was one of the most enjoyable meals ever. Because they gave me a menu of that nights dinner I am able to 100% accurately review the place – even though when I called….I think she needs a name on the blog. I’m going to go with…R. When I called R afterwards I was pretty much just so satiated that I could just babble over the experience. But you guys will get the full review. So –

We were greeted with champagne at the door and after we were seated we decided to share the “Blini and Bling”appetizer. This was a beautiful plate of 5 blini – one plain, one wild sturgeon caviar, fin and haddie with crispy shallots, the fish was poached in cream and so good, smoked trout with maple and horseradish jam, and deep fried Maine shrimp with aioli. Also on the plate was a large piece of smoked salmon topped with creme fraiche. I can’t even tell you how awesome this was.

Continuing the awesomeness was a “salad” that A and I shared. Basically, it was a large plate covered with thinly sliced prosciutto, on top of which was a fried potato “bowl,” under which was a greens salad topped with a poached quail egg. Another awesome presentation.

And while both of my companions had the yellowfin tuna dish, I opted for the most non-kosher item on the menu. Lacquered pork belly with hoisin, cucumbers and scallions, Roasted tenderloin of pork with white yam puree (it had miso in it and was delicious,) sesame oil and gingered baby bok choi, and Pork shumai with mushroom soy and radish salad.

Pig. Good. Delicious. I have never met a pork belly I didn’t like, and this was cooked Peking Duck style. It was delicious, as was the tenderloin which was so buttery and good that it practically melted in my mouth. The only part that was somewhat lackluster (and it was sitll delicious) was the shumai – I was pleased with the presentation, but they didn’t release from the mini steamer they were served in particularly well, and I think could have had some more…for lack of a better word…flavor on them. Still an awesome choice.

Desert was killer as well – Burnt tangerine parfait (it was very very cold and delicious, kind of…hockey puck sized) on top of which was a tuile cookie curve, on top of which was a scoop of meyer lemon sorbet. The whole dish was served atop a “broth” of lemongrass and tart tropical fruits. The combination of sweet and sour and citrus was amazing. It was the kind of desert that didn’t feel SO indulgent that it was guilt inducing but hey – this is the kind of meal you don’t often get the pleasure of having so….enjoying is good.

I LOVE getting dressed up – I mean, I don’t HAVE to wear a shirt and tie to work but I do, everyday. And I love when it is required that you dress up for a meal. So. Much. Fun.

On top of that, today we had BEAUTIFUL weather – perfect baseball weather. We went to the Sea Dogs game, had junky food, watched them lose 16-20 (OMG. So many hits,) followed up with a Beale’s coffee oreo ice cream cone. Mostly this weekend rocked and I had an awesome time just being with two people I love so much.

This week? Work. Gym. Figuring out some logistical travel plans. Gym. Play with friends. Find quiet time for Sister, (and not just to do laundry at her house) and focus on what’s important to me. Figure out what I want the studio to look like. Start making art again. Fuel my mind and soul and body and heart with things that are things that I want, need, and desire.

Right now? Yankees on the big screen. Maybe they could just win one measly game off of Boston. Maybe.


shockingly accurate

April 24, 2009

Of course, I always find that Morrissey is.

On the high-rise estate
What’s at the back of your mind?
Oh, on a three-day debate
On a high-rise estate
What’s at the back of your mind?

Two icy-cold hands conducting the way
It’s the Eskimo blood in my veins
Amid concrete and clay
And general decay
Nature must still find a way
So ignore all the codes of the day
Let your juvenile influences sway
This way and that way
This way, that way
God, how sex implores you
To let yourself lose yourself

Stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
Let your puny body, lie down, lie down
As we lie, you say
As we lie, you say
Stretch out and …
Stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
Let your puny body lie down, lie down

As we lie, you say :
Will the world end in the night time?
(I really don’t know)
Or will the world end in the day time?
(I really don’t know)
And is there any point ever having children?
Oh, I don’t know
What I do know is we’re Here and it’s Now

So … stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
There is no debate, no debate, no debate
How can you consciously contemplate
When there’s no debate, no debate ?
Stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
Oh …


an aside…

April 23, 2009

I’m going to take a quick break from the up/down ranting about my personal life for a quick second to ponder a very very important question.

What is it about Americans that makes us think it’s ok to interrupt an entire dining room full of people who are (hopefully) enjoying meals, in order to sing an obnoxious birthday song to someone? Why does this not infuriate anyone but me? I mean, really. I’m glad it’s your birthday, I really am. But I freaking hate it when my meal and conversation is interrupted by loud servers singing a dumbass birthday song!

Yesterday I spent a good portion of my morning at the hearings for the gay marriage bill here in Maine. It was inspiring, and awesome – 4000 people showed up AND “we” outnumbered “them” by 3-1. Amazing. Testimony went ALL DAY – almost 12 hours. The “but” here is that turns out it was really really hard for me to listen to OUR stories. The joyful married wedding queer happiness stories were just a little too much for me to handle and I had to get out of there before I became a mess. And yes, making matters slightly worse is that out of an entire civic center S’s selected seat (we got there first) was pretty much directly in front of me. I will say that she looked like shit, and while that doesn’t really make it any better, there’s some sort of….ok maybe it does make it a little better but I looked freaking awesome yesterday, but I’m going to move on now…

So my friend J and I left just short of noon, went across the street to the “big” Augusta shopping center, toured the homo-depot, and the Pier 1, and then noticed there was a Red Robin Restaurant. Now, I’ve NEVER seen a Red Robin on the East Coast, but visited one somewhat frequently when I was spending lots of time in Calgary. And J spent time in Washington and well, both of us got really excited about this lunching option and so we got some (awesome) burgers.

The only downfall was that our meal was interrupted no less than FIVE times with loud, obnoxious birthday chantings that totally interrupted our conversation and train of thought every time. It was annoying as heck. We then started pondering if this was just an obnoxious American thing, or if it was practice in other countries, too. Anyone know anything about this? Are theory is that it’s only an obnoxious American thing. We couldn’t even come close to imagining the French doing something coming close to resembling that kind of public display of awkwardness.

You probably think that I have no sense of birthday joy – but I do! I can just promise you two things – 1)I will NEVER do that to you on your birthday and 2)If you do it to me there won’t be another shared birthday!



April 22, 2009

It rained a lot today. And it was kind of a rough day for me anyway but it was made somewhat worse when I was re-buying some iPod headphones and upon returning to my car I stepped in the biggest puddle ever. I am not a huge fan of cold rain to begin with (hot rain, different story) but now not only was it raining and cold out but my foot was wet and cold too.

And then I was told “so what. You’re going home. You can change. It’s not worth being upset about.” And you know what? I’m really going to try to not sweat the small stuff anymore.

I have to be up in just a few hours for the marriage equality hearings that are taking place in Augusta. I know that it’s almost ironic that I’m going to this – you know, as mine fell apart not terribly long ago….but, as much as I’m not a joiner, numbers will be good here, and I can try to occupy myself with helping wrangle kids, talking with friends, and playing the “lets avoid my ex” game.



babe we both had dry spells, hard times in bad lands…

April 19, 2009

Hrm. Things are pretty much…just evolving I thnk the way they should. My apt is starting to actually really feel like a comfy home. There is a good vibe in this house. Art has started deciding where it wants to live and I’ve been helping it settle in. I got a long bookshelf this morning and the lizard will live on top of it and books will go in it and hopefully my living room will start taking shape.

I went to S’s house this morning – it was weird seeing it all different – but I guess not bad. I will say that I’m hopeful that some day we can be in the same space and not start crying. She says she misses me. And that it’s the little things that she misses. And that she wants to be my friend. I’m still not so sure I can do that quite yet. I miss her too. Hugging her is very comfortable – though it isn’t quite comforting and that’s sort of weird.  Same as last week, I didn’t really feel any kind of…spark or attraction or anything more than lingering sadness. It still hurts and sucks, and even though I think she probably had more time to adjust and think about not being in love with me anymore, I think not having me around still hurts her. Which kind of makes me feel good, but also, we both deserve to be happy.

And then there’s this girl. Amazing girl who just keeps making me feel so good. And she’s far away. Which is kind of sad but also really kind of good – we both have things we need to work on for ourselves right now. But I’m starting to feel like with time to heal from the deep wounds we’ve both got closing up right now that we just may actually be kind of really good for each other.  She makes me smile. She giggles. She has an amazing laugh. She keeps up. She can…put me in my place and I kind of like that.

I think this can only lead to good.
…..You’re not a good shot but I’m worse….And there’s so much where we ain’t been yet

So swing up on this little horse….The only thing we’ll hit is sunset

Babe we both had dry spells, hard times, in bad lands

I’m a good man…for ya

I’m a good man…….


mmmmm. it really is spring!!

April 16, 2009

After spending the most wonderful afternoon doing this…

We decided that we couldn’t just let the day end. So we called for grilled deliciousness night. Grilled onions, mushrooms, and squash. AND……wings.

Using the recipe chronicled here for sweet Thai chili sauce my friend J and I grilled a ton of wings and coated them in the lovely sticky sweet spicy sauce and topped with fresh cilantro. SO freaking good that J’s wife E said that if I really wanted to meet someone all I would need to do was take a plate of those wings with me and just wait.


What do you think???

Head nod to a certain vegetarian who knows I’m smiling.


if i had any sense i guess i’d fear this

April 14, 2009

But sense isn’t really what’s ruling my emotions right now. I’m being irrational. And I’m letting go. And I’m accepting change as change is thrown at me. So no matter what happens, I’ve learned some pretty amazing things about myself.

Mostly that the tattoo on my wrist is absolutely and unequivocally 100% accurate.


stumbling into…

April 12, 2009

Today S came over with some of my stuff. We both had some things we needed to trade off. Initially, I was just going to do this like, casual thing where all she got to see was my entry way. I wasn’t quite ready to show her my house.

And then she got here. And I just…I wasn’t…upset or feeling like I had to have or get anything from her. My heart felt vacant. Though it did remember that I loved her. I showed her my house. She seemed pretty impressed, especially with the kitchen. We talked a bit. I was able to express some of the things that I’ve been able to see recently that were pretty big problems in our relationship. She accepted what I had to say. She seemed to really miss me – not in a “want you back” kind of way, but in a I really miss having you around and being your friend kind of way.

We talked about some of the things I’d taken, and we talked about….the things I left behind. She started crying when mentioning that I’d left everything she’d ever made or given me behind. She told me they were put away, with photos, in case I ever wanted any of it. She asked me to burn my iphoto albums to a disc for her because she didn’t have any photos and wanted them. We both cried over sadness. She apologized for the way in which she handled some things. She seemed really really sad that she’d hurt me.

We hugged twice, once in the middle of a conversation about how sad she was, and once when she left.

It was sad. I’m still kind of emotionally just…bruised a bit from the encounter. I miss talking to her like that so much. I miss being her friend – I did find out that she was not seeing A but that things were moving in that direction. I told her that I missed A too, but I didn’t think I could really be either of their friends if they were dating. She told me about a coffee date she’d had with someone that was very awkward. It didn’t hurt to hear about it, and didn’t make me jealous or angry.

I brought up some information about a ….situation that I’ve been dealing with. She said that she’d known about the fallout and wanted to ask but didn’t feel that was her place. I explained what happened, and S was sad that I’d been hurt, again, by someone who I cared about, but also didn’t think that what she knew was the full story, and she was right. She trusts my version of “truth” and really didn’t think that I’d done anything to cause the breakdown. It was good to get that out of the way.

I got really brave and told her about this woman that I’m interested in. Seeing? Dating? Really really infatuated with right now? I felt I had to tell her because as much as I would love to just show up to some event with her on my arm and leave both S and A speechless, I didn’t think that was fair.

I didn’t want a specific….similarity….to knock her down. I didn’t think that was fair either. She took that news pretty well.  I showed her one photo….she said, “you sure like the pretty ones.” She seemed slightly hurt which almost felt good but bad at the same time. She promised to keep that information to herself, and that if and when people asked about who I was with, she could just say, “that’s xxx, she really seems to care a lot about j.” Being honest about where I was felt good. And kind of felt like the fact that someone else was caring a lot about me and making me feel very special was something she was happy for me about.

And hopefully I can decompress some of this stuff with this amazing woman later. This incredible girl who was so scared that S was going to come over and tell me that she’d been stupid (because according to her, who wouldn’t want to have me – see, she makes me feel amazing all the time) and that I’d run back.

It wasn’t even close.


i’ve been dumb, i’ve been perfectly beautiful

April 11, 2009

Today was a really kind of not so good hard day that had really good glimmers of happiness intertwined with the bleak.

The bleak is not my fault.

But I’m sad. And I’ll be more sad if it gets in the way of the first really freaking good thing to happen to me in a long long time.

I’m on the cusp of happiness.