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that joke isn’t funny anymore

July 17, 2010

Game over at 11weeks, 4 days. Sad, tired, hurt that J has to experience this.

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and things keep moving

June 25, 2010

UO is well over 8 weeks pregnant now. Our first OB intake is next Wednesday. I’m nervous. I’m sure everything is fine. She feels like shit. Nausea all the time. Headachy. Heartburn. Cramping. She’s irritated with everyone and everything but still (mostly) likes me.

The fact that every day that passes this becomes more and more real is crazytalk. We talk about names. We pray together every night.  We’re so scared/hopeful/amazed. Probably will be…forever.

Thinking about where we want to be. We looked at a house in our budget that needed way more work than we could ever afford to do in the time we needed to do it in in order to be settled by the time the babe is here.

So we’re gonna stay here for a while and keep our dreams of state south of here been put on the backburner. But as much as I love our apt – we don’t have a washer and dryer. We don’t have a yard. We don’t have a lot of things that having a house would afford. So. Yeah. Married. Baby. New house – all within months of each other.

Ambition.

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most incredible thing I’ve ever seen

June 16, 2010

So…we have a friend…who’s a doc….who got us in to her facility 2 weeks earlier than our OB intake….and um. Yeah. 6W5D…and we saw a heartbeat. I’m floored.

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say something, say something, anything

June 8, 2010

Long hiatus. I’m kind of even worried about writing more here, now. But I do know that I need to write. I’ve been slacking on that across the board – the SB site is going really well – I’ve done a fashion show in NYC, gotten to know some really incredible people, and am continuing to learn a lot about fashion as well. It’s a great experience.

I never thought in a million years I’d be writing about what’s going on right now in my life with such….nervousness, for lack of a better word. A 6 year marriage, 2 IVF cycles, 12 IUI’s, 4 home ICI’s and about $30,000 and countless hours of therapy and time and tears led to no baby. I still look at that time as one of the biggest failures of my life.

And then I look at me now, the super me that I am, the me that takes chances, takes risks, and tries to live life to the fullest. There’s a quote from Shawshank Redemption where I think Red says “get busy livin’ or get busy dying.” I’ve kind of held fast to that.  I am marrying the wonderful nameless woman that I’ve blogged about in the past. It’s so right for me, and I hope for her – our relationship is one of trust and love and support, and while it seems like things are happening fast, I know that, for us, it’s right. Nothing has ever felt so right or clicked into place the way I’d hope in the same way before. And yes, there have been some incredible potholes along the way but….I don’t know. We’ve got a good suspension system and are weathering storms cautiously, and not with ease, but generally coming through to the other side.

A few months ago we started talking about how we would navigate the having kids part. Becoming parents is something that is equally important to both of us, and something we’ve both been dreaming about for years. It’s something we wanted to start right away on because, well, I know from experience how long it can take, and in my head I order a fertility work up for everyone, and begin thinking about how to save for IVF cycles and….I know most of you know the drill.

Because she’s older than I am, and untested, and incredibly regular, we decided to switch the carrier body. We figured it would take at least 6 months of cycle tracking, and home insems and hoping and praying and well, that it just would take time. Our big hope was that it would work quickly, and she’d get pregnant a month or two before/same/after we got married.  We planned a HUGE Asian honeymoon vacation to Cambodia and Vietnam. I got a passport.

And then we started charting and opk testing. And in May we did our first insem using the unnamed one’s body. She didn’t have a positive opk. She didn’t feel like she had ovulated. But, a day after we thought anything was good timing wise, we had SG over for a few minutes, and then well you know how it goes.  Ironically, it was Mother’s day.

And then we didn’t think much of it. The following weekend we did some bike riding around town and we had to stop every mile or so because UO (unnamed one? I suck) wasn’t feeling good. I figured she was dehydrated, so we got some water, and took it slower.

Then, in the middle of that next week, I came home to find UO on the couch, napping. Napping. Something she’s never done before. UO is an insomniac. Sleep escapes her. I chalked it up to an incredibly stressful and physically demanding job. And then the dog started bringing her her toys and putting them in her lap. And all of this stuff – we just excused it. It was almost like we weren’t even thinking of the possibilities of her being pregnant.

And then there was the day she didn’t get her period. And as we’d promised to not test until that day happened we just went on as normal. Came home with some take out. We were going to be lazy and eat in front of the TV. She went to go pee on a stick. Came back in a minute later sans stick and I was all like “so now we have to get up from dinner in a few minutes?” She said, “you can go look at it now, if you’d like.” And I looked at her. And she looked at me. And I ran to the bathroom. And there it was. Yeah. She said that it said “pregnant” before she’d had the chance to wash her hands.

So…now it’s over two weeks later. We have a very very very tired UO who seems to battle waves of nausea with a fair amount of regularity. She’s had a fair bit of cramping in the past two weeks as well. As much as I try to just…ride this wave and be happy and incredibly optimistic, and laugh about how two ‘mo’s are now going to have a shotgun wedding where the bride is 6 months pregnant…I’m still scared, almost every moment of every day.  I want to know about every feeling. It’s with genuine desire and probably a little jealousy (ok, maybe more than that, but I’m figuring out how to deal with those thoughts and just putting it up there with G-d and the universe giving me exactly what I want, just not how or when I thought I would get it) that I just want to know what it feels like. Her entire body is super sensitive. She’s sore almost everywhere. She loves pistachio nuts and anything sour. She hasn’t been sick yet but I’m waiting for that with excitement.

So. Yeah. There we are…..excited, overwhelmed, and incredibly nervous. I didn’t make it as far along as she already is. I know how badly things can go. It’s so hard to get out of my head sometimes with every cramp, with every weird look that comes across her face. But she’s there. And she’s amazing. And she wants this.  And then there’s me, the infertile, maybe getting a baby – one made out of love, in our bed, by ourselves (with the big giant exception of SG, who I don’t even have words good enough to express my love for him yet) and without any reservation, hesitation, or negativity.

It’s a weird and scary and amazing new place.

Here we go.

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waves from the peanut gallery

January 29, 2010

That was a long hiatus. Maybe I’ve got something to write here……I don’t know. It’s so hard for me to claim this space as mine anymore. But I’m sure you’re getting tired of that same Amanda Palmer video every day and also….someone recently said that this place was like an empty apartment…and they were right.  So….

Things are pretty hard some days. I feel like it’s become kind of a fight to live an honorable life when I feel like I’m being judged from many sides and angles.

That said, things are pretty fucking fantastic most days. I am so incredibly happy for the most part. I’m working on merging households and hearts and lives with an incredible love.  I’m trying to do this, I think we’re both trying to do this, without a terrific amount of support but…we’re grown ups…and I know that we both know that we want this more than anything. And the support we do have has been beyond what we could expect, especially from the majority of our families.  Plans and dates and events and things are falling into place. And she’s claimed a spot on my body for ink that proves it to me every time I look in the mirror.

I have the worlds cutest dog laying on my feet (and snoring) keeping my toes warm. Yes, she jumps and may eat the love’s cat but…it’ll come together in time.

And slowly, like somewhat crystallized honey that’s been on the shelf for a while, some of the people I’ve loved and had to let go are finding me again. And well. That feels pretty amazing.

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Fixation

November 17, 2009
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I have a secret to tell….

November 2, 2009

Well, after 4 years, 500 posts, thousands of comments….and not really reaching the “goal” (yet) I’ve started another blog. I’m not leaving you, don’t worry, I just feel like I need to come clean because well, I feel like I’m cheating on you.

This new blog matches my love for all things men’s fashion and my butch take on how to make it all work, especially for people who were socialized female. It’s got pretty much absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog, at all, (except for those two “Sharp Dressed Man” posts I did a year ago that were really well received) and is a nice little outlet for my narcissistic tendencies.

Don’t fret. I’ll still write here. I just don’t have much to write right now about a life that feels fairly blissful, save for one thing.

So, feel free to stop by, or pass it along to any you think might like:

Introducing, The Sartorial Butch!