Archive for the ‘S’ Category

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Protected: Protected: how beautiful and modern*

August 14, 2008

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its the little things

July 31, 2008

Yesterday at work, one of my co-workers asked if I’d walk across the two parking lots that separate us from a multiplex and buy him some movie popcorn. I did so, came back, and he shared. It was so delicious that I stopped myself from eating much of it because I KNEW I wanted it for dinner. I looked up what movies were playing and pretty much nothing struck my fancy. And I didn’t want to pay like, $16 dollars for us to see a movie that I didn’t want to see just to spend another $5 bucks to get movie popcorn.

Earlier in the day I’d asked S to pick up a copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – we hadn’t yet owned it, and only saw it once on opening day in the theater, and the new trailer for #6 is out today and well, I wanted to see it again. So I knew it was waiting for me at home. Solution? Bought large bag of movie popcorn on my way home to enjoy in the privacy of my bedroom. Genius point number one.

We both thought the movie popcorn at home experience would be better with some….fresh greens (yes, that was a euphemism,) and well, it was but after we ate the popcorn, we were still hungry and didn’t really have anything else to eat. Lo and behold we get a text message from my sister that say, “open the door.” We do and she shoves a bag of Indian food leftovers (a LOT of leftovers) into S’s hands, says “enjoy,” and leaves. AMAZING.

And then we had freezie pops for desert.

It was an excellent date. Yay for excellent dates.

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this post has been rated G

May 18, 2008

S and I went on an honest to goodness date last night. I mean, we go out a lot, etc, but this seemed to have some formality to it that was very nice. I wasn’t too wiped out from working all day, so we just chilled out at our house until 9 ish, then we walked downtown and saw the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” which outside of seeing that guy from “How I met your mother” naked (like really REALLY naked) too many times was a good movie. But that’s not what this post is about.

While we were sitting there as the previews started I turned to S and said, “Know what? I could probably watch previews for an hour or so and be fully entertained. Actually, come to think of it, If someone made a 2 hour movie of previews of all my FAVORITE movies ever I would probably be in screen heaven.”

Please tell me I’m not a freak (for this.) S looked at me like I had caught the crazy.

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so many things to remember

May 15, 2008

On this day five years ago I told this beautiful girl that I loved her.

Best decision I ever made.

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Economic stimuwha?

May 1, 2008

A short and unplanned conversation with my favorite Amazonian Politico has led to a couple of sleepless nights for me.  Let me go to the beginning though, so this tale doesn’t seem so disjointed….

As we’re not “really” married, we don’t have all of those zillion protections that come with the “real” piece of paper. And when we started the babymaking experiment we knew that eventually, we were going to have to cough up some serious shekels to get paperwork like wills, health care proxies, power of attorney stuff, and eventually, adoption papers in order. But we also knew that the goal was making a kid, and that was expensive too so we threw all our resources there, and figured that when a kid showed up we’d find a way to pay for all of the legalities.  Which we know is really flawed logic, but, whatever.

Now, I’m really kind of happy that I live in a state where the option to do these things is here, like the adoption stuff, etc, but for reals? It costs a LOT of money to have a lawyer draw up all this paperwork. It’s not like we can go to the local poor kids legal council (and the thing is, we’re not terrifically poor, its just that you know, a grand or so to work out all this paper is not something we can come up with out of thin air – I really don’t think we’re alone in this) and get their staff to help us out – the attorney has to be very familiar with this kind of stuff, so that nothing gets missed, and that the paperwork is water tight.

I really don’t think that either of our families would question the commitment we made in front of them and the rest of our friends over 2 years ago. I don’t think that anyone thinks that the 5 years that we’ve been together have not ‘counted’ as committed or real or whatever. But in grief? Who knows. My father’s girlfriend locked us out of his house and didn’t let us have anything except what we already had on us from the hospital when he died.

I guess this wouldn’t be weighing so heavily on my mind, but, if you haven’t had access to the private posts, S is having a hysterectomy late next month.  There is a softball sized fibroid located in the middle of the lining of her uterus. Because of it’s size it can not be removed laproscopically, and because of it’s location in the lining of the uterus, they’ve decided that to save her uterus would make a particularly risky and bloody surgery very likely. But, again, because of it’s size it will likely have to be removed abdominally, which makes it slightly more risky surgery, and definitely has a longer recovery time. S will be out of commission for the month of July.

Now, S has complete faith in her medical team and because of her confidence, I do too. And everything will probably be just fine. But still. There’s always a ‘what if.’

And that’s what’s kept me up at night recently.

And instead of paying off debt, or putting it into savings, or fuck, even blowing it all on a gigantor television set…our economic stimulus package (should we actually get it – not that we don’t trust the administration) is going to go to trying to amass as many of the zillion rights that “real” marriage would have afforded us.

I wonder if Mr. Bush would see the irony in that.

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Protected: Protected: First day again – same password

March 25, 2008

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Protected: Meltdown

March 16, 2008

Last night I ate my last meal of questionable origin for a while. I hope.  But before I get there there was some HUGE stuff and I need to get it out there so bear with me.

I came home from work on Friday excited about spending the evening with S, who was making burritos, and then we were going to get pie in celebration of pi day. Sounds wonderful right?

I get home and put my stuff down and well, basically S decides then to tell me that she’s not actually sure she wants to do the IVF this time around, and that she’s not excited about it, and that she’s been waiting for the past 6 months or so to GET excited about it but it just hasn’t happened yet. And could we wait another month.  Mind you, she’s watched me get in gear for the past 2 months, be on BCP’s for 5 weeks, AND did I mention I’m supposed to start Lupron the NEXT day? And that we have a ton of donated medications in our fridge? And a bazillion (ok, not that much) dollar check on its way from our kind benefactor? And lengthy calenders already printed out by nurse wonderful? And retrieval/transfer days? And that we have a therapy appointment this week so that we can handle the emotional side of this cycle better. And that I’ve got acupuncture set up for this week because what the hell, why not.  Yeah. All of this. Ready to go. And she chose Friday night to tell me.

Because even though she didn’t want to break my heart she felt that she had to be honest with me. My feelings kind of were like, well you had MONTHS to be honest with me, and now was the time that sucking it up and dealing might have been prudent. But breaking me was not actually in her plans, though that’s kind of what happened in the moment.
So, basically I had a meltdown. I left the house for an hour to drive and cry and look at the ocean. I came home not sure of much but knowing that making a family was one of the fundamental cornerstones on which our relationship was created, and I had made some decisions about this cycle that well, were perhaps not going to make S happy.  I had decided that I was going to do the cycle with or without her help. And if she didn’t get on board well, then I was going to deal with that.

And I got home and told her so. And continued to have a huge gigantic meltdown, because she kept saying a lot of the things that she was saying before, and before I knew it all I wanted to do was leave. I mean, I was so hysterical and hurt and there was NOWHERE I could go because I didn’t want anyone to know how awful S was being because I didn’t want people to think poorly of her – at one point I think I said this, actually.  And she was going to call my sister to be with me and explain how big of an asshole she was being but that I needed her – and I still wouldn’t let her do that.

During this whole time of snot and crying and in the background of my head thinking “I can’t believe we’re going to break up tonight,” because I’ve/we’ve NEVER had anything like this ever come up and it was so calm and surreal, like no yelling, just talking and crying, etc and then even beyond the background of my head thinking, “this is so stupid, there’s got to be a real explanation, finally, FINALLY S calms down a bit and tells me that she’s scared.

She’s scared of another dead baby. She’s scared of a real baby. She’s scared of having her life change. And I get this.  And slowly, through hysterical sobs we get down to the point that this is what her road block is, and not that she doesn’t want to go through with it. That one more month of waiting isn’t going to do anything, and that she wants a family with me more than anything but that she’s scared. And that she’s sorry for ruining everything and by now she’s the one who is a bawling snot mess.

By the end of the whole ordeal we’ve both got KILLER headaches. But we also have a plan. We’re going to do this cycle, together, and deal with the scared.

There’s a side story here, too. As you all know, S is anemic. And she’s been on bcp’s for quite some time to keep her from bleeding. Well, she must be the bionic woman or something because last week she started bleeding through the pill. Like, a lot. So her doc put her on 2 pills. And actually, they’re making her kind of crazy and we didn’t even realize this when we started talking on Friday.  Seriously. I dont’ want to get all away from my feminist self but these pills have made her kind of the crazy in a big way. And very emotional, and irrational and dealing with things in ways she usually doesn’t.  So we’ve had real conversations about this too, and while we NEEDED to have the conversation we had on Friday, there was probably a much much better way to go about it, but….she couldn’t figure out a way to make that happen and so it happened as it did.

Yeah, I know, I usually don’t get all personal and emotional with you all but, I needed to get it out. So thanks for your ears.  We’re doing fine now. Really. I mean there’s still lots of talking but we’re feeling really close with each other and got dressed up for a special date night yesterday.
As for the meal? Oysters on the half shell with lemon and horseradish. MMMmmmm. Lupron started last night, the injection was so anti-climatic, though I have a feeling that this entire cycle is going to feel like that a little bit too.

Here goes nothing.