Archive for the ‘I wanna talk about me’ Category


every girl crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man

November 21, 2008

So….being as I’ve got some big writers block about anything real going on in my life right now I thought that I would introduce you to some of my favorite things. One of those things are clothes. I love clothes. And shoes. But right now it’s all about the clothes.  As you may (or not, who knows) I definitely fall on the butch end of the identity spectrum and prefer to buy all of my clothes from the mens dept. Except for bras. They are an unfortunate necessity.

My daily work attire is fairly similar from day to day. Slacks, shirt, tie, and sweater/sweater vest.  I LOVE sweater vests and ties. I love ties the most though, and I’m always looking for new ones that are awesome.  And so, tonight I present to you “tie rack, #1.

I will admit to having some favorites – I love the black/silver paisley one, and I got married in the pink paisley one and I really like the old English letter-type one and A has an identical one and sometimes it’s fun to match and…and…and…yeah. I  love ties.

I love ties so much that I know at least half a dozen different knots though I most prefer the full Windsor knot (really, it isn’t called a double Windsor no matter what anyone else says.)  While I’m pretty particular about most things I’m especially so with ties, and how I dress.  Generally speaking, I don’t feel….complete these days without one, which is funny mostly because many guys I know really hate them and feel restricted by them.  I’m really really lucky to work at a place where I can wear what makes me most comfortable – and every now and again it’s nice to hear things like, “you know, sometimes I hate it that you look better in a tie than I do,” from the boys that I work with.  And that they ask me for fashion advice.

So yeah. Call this installment one of the things I love…..TBC…..


Protected: Protected: and if I seem a little strange, well that’s because i am

November 9, 2008

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attacked by stupid

September 28, 2008

This post is being dictated by J (and typed by S) because J is on some rather strong pain killers.

For whatever reason, there are times when smart, grown people make dumbass choices – all under the guise of having fun.  Such was the case on Friday when I called, “race you!” across the parking lot to one of my co-workers.

So, we raced.

In work shoes, on wet pavement, in a rain storm.

Going full speed, my shoes started to slip and I felt myself falling forward.  The only thing that went through my mind was, that I needed to treat this as though I was sliding into home plate – minus the base, the ball and the game itself.  Also, lacking grass or somewhat forgiving Georgia, red clay.

The photo above if one my four injuries.  That is the elbow.  The knee has a similar-looking formation.  My shoulder has an injured rotator cuff and a fractured humerus.

The fourth injury, of course, is my pride.

I lost the race.

So, now I am at home on some ok drugs, trying to find a comfortable position in which to rest in a sling, and thinking about this weekend’s question:  what is the dumbest, self-inflicted injury you have sustained.


something for me

September 4, 2008

When I was 4 my parents built a “country” house about 2 hours north of NYC in the Catskill Mountains in a TEEEENY tiny town called Fleischmanns – so tiny that the population in 2000 was 351, and it was likely less that in the early eighties. It was very Sicily, Alaska, if you know what I’m sayin – my parents were friends with the Mayor who was a real estate agent on the side, and the “fire cheif” (read, town’s only fireman) lived “next door” (1/4 mile up the road) from us.

There was a general store, and a breakfast place, and a bar, and that’s about it. The biggest attractions were 15 miles down the road in Margaretville where there was an A&P and a diner. But I digress. Two miles from our house in Fleischmann’s was the Belleayre Ski Mountain. I hear it’s grown up a LOT in the past 25 years, but it was a really tiny family ski place when we lived/went there – 2 or three lifts, about 10 runs in total, and everyone knew everyone. It’s where I fell in love with downhill skiing. My brother and I would do the weekly “lollypop” races (we even got our pictures in the local paper once) and every weekend day we knew we were having roast beef sandwiches served with Juicy Juice (the ONLY time we were allowed a boxed/canned beverage) that my mom had packed in the morning and left in an unlocked locker for the morning.

It’s where the coolest guy I’d ever met, Biff, taught us how to make pizza pies, and turn using peanut butter and jelly as a mantra for which legs to use to do certain things and along the way also taught us parallel turning, jumps, mini moguls – mostly I just wanted to BE him, I think.

Anyway, as the economy tanked in the late eighties my parents sold the house in favor of the motor home (see memory of that, here) but we still enjoyed ski weekends, except now we drove to the locations for a week – Whiteface, Gore, Vermont locations, etc. In high school I’d go for day trips with a few friends a couple times but I guess as I left home for college and was on my own there really has never been a ton of extra money for skiing which is a REALLY expensive sport. I mean there’s almost no way to ski on a budget even if you do buy equipment at the right time AND ski weekdays and off season.

But the truth of the matter is, I live a stones throw from some seriously kick ass skiing. And I love it. And I’ve been threatening to buy new skis (cuz they’re like, all weird and shaped now and mine are 15 year old racers) for the 5 years I’ve lived here. And I had an incredibly good month. And I need to start doing the things I love to do without having “what if I….” lingering in my head. So these brand new Ski’s, boots, and poles are MINE. The local shop was having their clearance sale last weekend, and there’s no better time to buy ski stuff than August. Really.

I got all this gear for more than 1/2 off the last sale price of last season. And the best cool part about the boots is they plug in to little rechargable battery packs that heat your feet while you ski!! Technology has come a long freaking way since I last owned ski equipment!

So, long story short, I’m doing more things to enjoy my life without being so focused on baby stuff. I’ll enjoy my skiing and if something magically crazy happens, well, then I’ll just have one more thing to share with a kid should they come along. Cuz really, these ski’s need to last at least 10 years. And if I don’t go at least 5x this winter S may kill me.

Who’s coming with??


fo realz

September 1, 2008

J: You know what?

S: What?

J: Outside of world peace, and all the people we love to be happy and healthy and a baby, do you know what I want more than anything in the world?

S: What’s that, pea?

J: For cigarettes to not be bad for you.

S: True that.

J: I’m serious. Like, they don’t even need to be good for you, just not bad. Neutral.

S: Yep. I get it.

There’s my admission. I love cigarettes. A lot. I love to smoke. It’s disgusting, I know. It’s bad for you, I know. It makes you smell bad, and costs money, and makes your throat hurt, and did I mention is bad for you – all of this I know.

But I love them.

However, even if we’re not doing the kid thing seriously right now, they’re not good for us. And I want to be around with the people I love for a long time. So…once again…no more smoking.

I hate this.


Waterfire weekend

August 18, 2008

Ok, well not a whole weekend. But on Saturday evening S, A, and I journeyed two hours south to the beautiful little city of Providence, RI, for the annual Waterfire event, where numerous bonfires are placed along the Providence river and lit for all to enjoy. There was music and street food and drinking in public and a really good time.

I hadn’t visited Providence since the mid/late Nineties and honestly, the city was sort of a shithole at that point in time. It has seriously undergone some huge turn around because it was clean and well lit and beautiful.  I could see myself living in a small city like that – somewhat bigger than Portland, with a “real” mall, and lots of college students to keep things interesting.  It was fun because A had worked at one of those colleges not too long ago and it was interesting when she bumped into people (like campus safety officers) who still called her out by name – and it was nice to have a knowledgeable guide to the town.

Can I mention again how much I loved the mall? No, we didn’t spend a tremendous amount of time there, just money. Have I ever mentioned how Nordstrom is perhaps the only retail store that S REALLLLY loves shopping at? I mean, she loves shopping but she REALLLLY loves Nordstrom and their “personal shoppers,” who make perfectly sized garments appear if by magic in the dressing rooms.

That’s not to say that I didn’t have my fun too – I dropped some change at Dave and Busters, one of my favorite places.  Both of the other members of my entourage quickly realized that taking me somewhere real to gamble is probably not a good idea – my favorite thing is dropping the coins into the games that push other coins over the ledge….I could sit there forever blowing money away like that.  It was awesome – well, except for the one moment when I realized that my brother, sister, and I went to a DnB the night my dad died – I hadn’t remembered it until I was actually there, about to get some coinage off my power card.

After playtime we headed back up the hill to wander some more, eat some food, and um, then S decided that she was going to get pierced below the neck (I’m not going to say where, but I’ll say she only got one of them done though she was born with two) and though she’d talked about it a few times recently it was still the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever seen her do. Yay S. Way to let loose. I can’t always be the crazy one and it’s nice to have you join me for the ride.

Everything after that was anti-climatic and it was getting on in the day – so we headed home and it was LOVELY driving North – as (you New Englanders will know this well) traffic was backed up from the Hampton tolls all the way through Portsmouth and into Maine. NUTS! I’m glad we were going the other way.

It was nice to get out of town for a little bit, relax, enjoy a newish city, and a really beautiful event that I wish our town had something like. It was also nice for it to not rain for once in the….month.

And: Confidential to all of you who commented on the last post. I love you all very very much and your support is so much appreciated. To answer the questions? Morrissey, yes (but more The Smiths,) 3 pairs of Doc’s, and Queen.



Protected: Protected: how beautiful and modern*

August 14, 2008

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scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen

June 2, 2008


been busy making another food baby

January 13, 2008

Yeah, S and I went on a date last night and we saw Juno. It was kind of hard, but still a really really good movie, perhaps one of the best filmed works I’ve seen in a while. And I’m also guessing that every infertile who has seen it had the same kicked in the gut reaction to the part when Vanessa tells Juno that “all of her friends say that the first trimester is the hardest,” and Juno responds with “it’s a great thing that you don’t have to do it,” or something along those lines.

And I guess for me/us it was a kick in the pants to how we’re going to get “this” thing rolling again. I’m not ready yet to give up the dream of having a baby. S doesn’t particularly care how we get one, but will stand by any decision I make regarding how it gets here for now, and is totally 100% committed to whatever way I choose.

So…we’ll see. I love my new job even though it is about 10 more hours a week of work, and we’re still adjusting our schedules too it. I won’t have health care till next month and I don’t quite yet know what new plan does or doesn’t cover, though I assume probably not infertility related expenses.

I need some medical testing done before I can cycle again so I’m setting those up for the first week of the month that I want to start trying in again.

I need to try and be as kind to my body as I can, and get it into the best shape it can be in for the next try.

I need to do our taxes and see if we can get a huge refund because of how much money we spent on medical expenses last year. Any tax specialists out there willing to walk me through some of this? It’s kind of intimidating for someone who has only ever had to file a 1040EZ and doesn’t actually own anything.

I need to round up all the people who have generously offered me free medications and figure a way to get them here. Also note, still looking for Follistim, so if you’ve got, I would do cartwheels for them. Or make a video of myself doing DDR and post it on youtube for your enjoyment. Apparently, according to my friend K, it’s perhaps the funniest thing he’s ever seen. Or whatever you can come up with. But if you’ve got, I need, and be so so appreciative.

I need to keep my head in the place where it is right now, into thinking that this is something that could work for us this year. I need to get over the fact that if it doesn’t work, it’s a lot of money out the door.  I need to figure out constructive ways to keep myself fully invested in the project, without losing my faith, or my sanity.

….It looks like I need to do a lot of things. I guess I also need to not let myself get overwhelmed with all of the things that need doing, and just do my best to get them done.


A little failure on your day off

January 10, 2008

Thursdays are my weekday off. I was lazing about watching Martha when I noticed that an ambulance was at my building, taking one of our neighbors to the hospital. Shortly after that, his sister (who also used to live in this building) in law knocked on my door with neighbors 7mo old daughter, and her 3 year son (who was born when they lived here) and asked if I could watch them for about an hour. Being a nice person, even though I was unshowered and in pj’s said of course.

The first thing I did? Turned on a movie. I suck. A, the boy, was very happy to watch The Little Mermaid, play with his spiderman puzzle, and eat his (cheetos, sugarwater juice, and gummy candy) snacks. I managed to get him to have a yogurt smoothie when he was still hungry and hoped it would get some nutritional value into him for the day but I can’t be judgemental on what other parents feed their kids especially when I basically parked him in front of the TV.

The baby was adorable and sweet, but um, we don’t really have any kid stuff here at all, outside of MY toys which um, I’m not quite ready to share yet. I did find two teddy bears that didn’t have their tags still on them, but she was uninterested. So i let her have what she was interested in. Which was renewal cards from one of our magazines. I happily let her chew on them. See, I suck.

I keep telling myself that it was short notice and well, you know I give props to my Seventh Day Adventist neighbors leaving their kids with an unshowerd, pajama clad, Jewish, gay neighbor.  And I was a good human being for taking on the kids w/o any notice. But still. I dunno. I know this post doesn’t have much of a point but I’m totally doubting my abilities to actually care for small children.

And speaking about children. There’s a possiblility that we could do our second cycle in March – you know, if the money fairy, and the donated drug stars all align at the same time. But I feel like I haven’t been taking great care of my body. The new job has totally shifted my attitude and my mental health is probably better than it’s been in a while. But still, I can’t get rid of the “what the fuck are we thinking spending all this money on something that might not work again or, worse, work again and then lead to another dead baby” thoughts. I need to figure out a way to get my head on right….any suggestions?