Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category


Waterfire weekend

August 18, 2008

Ok, well not a whole weekend. But on Saturday evening S, A, and I journeyed two hours south to the beautiful little city of Providence, RI, for the annual Waterfire event, where numerous bonfires are placed along the Providence river and lit for all to enjoy. There was music and street food and drinking in public and a really good time.

I hadn’t visited Providence since the mid/late Nineties and honestly, the city was sort of a shithole at that point in time. It has seriously undergone some huge turn around because it was clean and well lit and beautiful.  I could see myself living in a small city like that – somewhat bigger than Portland, with a “real” mall, and lots of college students to keep things interesting.  It was fun because A had worked at one of those colleges not too long ago and it was interesting when she bumped into people (like campus safety officers) who still called her out by name – and it was nice to have a knowledgeable guide to the town.

Can I mention again how much I loved the mall? No, we didn’t spend a tremendous amount of time there, just money. Have I ever mentioned how Nordstrom is perhaps the only retail store that S REALLLLY loves shopping at? I mean, she loves shopping but she REALLLLY loves Nordstrom and their “personal shoppers,” who make perfectly sized garments appear if by magic in the dressing rooms.

That’s not to say that I didn’t have my fun too – I dropped some change at Dave and Busters, one of my favorite places.  Both of the other members of my entourage quickly realized that taking me somewhere real to gamble is probably not a good idea – my favorite thing is dropping the coins into the games that push other coins over the ledge….I could sit there forever blowing money away like that.  It was awesome – well, except for the one moment when I realized that my brother, sister, and I went to a DnB the night my dad died – I hadn’t remembered it until I was actually there, about to get some coinage off my power card.

After playtime we headed back up the hill to wander some more, eat some food, and um, then S decided that she was going to get pierced below the neck (I’m not going to say where, but I’ll say she only got one of them done though she was born with two) and though she’d talked about it a few times recently it was still the most spontaneous thing I’ve ever seen her do. Yay S. Way to let loose. I can’t always be the crazy one and it’s nice to have you join me for the ride.

Everything after that was anti-climatic and it was getting on in the day – so we headed home and it was LOVELY driving North – as (you New Englanders will know this well) traffic was backed up from the Hampton tolls all the way through Portsmouth and into Maine. NUTS! I’m glad we were going the other way.

It was nice to get out of town for a little bit, relax, enjoy a newish city, and a really beautiful event that I wish our town had something like. It was also nice for it to not rain for once in the….month.

And: Confidential to all of you who commented on the last post. I love you all very very much and your support is so much appreciated. To answer the questions? Morrissey, yes (but more The Smiths,) 3 pairs of Doc’s, and Queen.



one of the gayest things ever

March 9, 2008

Is playing American Idol on the Wii.

It is also one of the most fun things ever.

Especially after a few glasses of wine.

I invite you all to come and play. Especially JB.


so much thanks

February 7, 2008

This week my faith in human kindness has been overwhelmingly uplifted. I’ve been the recipient of some pretty wonderful donations before, and honestly, never blink to send off either items or money to my friends who need help that I am able to give. But I never thought that I would receive the kind of help that I got yesterday.

The tale started on Sunday when I got emails from two different bloggers that said that they’d seen a woman post on a fertility board that she had some extra drugs, and they both gave me her information and the original post they’d seen.

P and I started exchanging emails that weekend. I learned that she and her partner had been trying for quite some time, and for a variety of reasons had come to the point where ttc was something they were no longer going to pursue. And due to their excellent insurance they’d not had the same kinds of financial struggles we were having. And they were thrilled to help out other lesbians. So much so that she’s said she is going to have her refills filled and sent to me, just because she can. She and her partner sounded like lovely people.
The list of drugs that this woman had were extensive and pretty much covered every single thing I would need for my next cycle. Everything. In amounts I couldn’t even believe were real. Actually, I must admit that my pessimistic side (or my refusal to “fart sunshine” as one of my friends put it) didn’t actually believe that this was real. That I was actually going to receive anything. Until last night when a HUGE box was delivered to my doorstep. S and I opened the box, were amazed, and I cried for about an hour. Really, I cried myself to exhaustion, I was so overwhelmed with the kindness of strangers.

I still can’t quite put into words how thankful we are, how much of a burden is off of our shoulders. Really. Really really really big weight, gone. But I want to acknowledge that I understand that my dreams continuing on also means that there is a final ending to the dreams of others. And while I know that P and her partner are happy that they can help us, I also know that this is a real, tangible end to a huge dream for them.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to thank them enough, but once more…Thank you.


Les Oeufs

December 14, 2007

For C. Good luck, my friend.


in this great future, you can’t forget your past

November 30, 2007

Tomorrow, December 1 is World AIDS Day. This year is also the 20th anniversary of the AIDS Memorial Quilt. The NAMES Project, which raises funds, houses, and basically takes care of all of the details surrounding the quilt, has tried vigilantly to have all 5748 squares of the quilt on display, and have the names read, for this 20th year of it’s existence. There are panels on display all over the country, and I encourage you to see if there is a viewing in your neck of the woods.



Last night I was honored to be in the presence of 20 panels of the AIDS Memorial Quilt, on display here in Portland.  I found out during the ceremony that when the order for panels went to the NAMES project, specific panels created by men and women in the room were requested to be displayed. Many of the panels contained squares honoring Mainers, and the sadness of the family and friends there to visit their memories in that room last night was almost more than my fragile heart could take. I was not the only one shedding tears last night.

Events like these make me think of how the disease has ravaged the queer community. And how there’s a whole segment of gay men who would now be somewhere between 40-60 who are just pretty much extinct. And I wonder what we could have learned from them, and how their numbers would have been so helpful in the struggle.  And how our Government wasted years of their time in pretending this awful disease didn’t exist, or, deciding that the queer population wasn’t worth helping out in their time of need.

And it makes me sad that I didn’t see that many younger members of the queer community showing their support last night. You can get thousands to show up and drink and dance on a pier, but you can’t get a couple hundred to show up to honor their pasts, and be thankful for the future that they’ve got.

Mostly, I just really really miss my friends.


Good friends we’ve had

Good friends we’ve lost

Along the way

In this great future

You can’t forget your past

So dry your tears, I say

~B. Marley


last chance effort

November 8, 2007

I’ve been “away” this week, but wanted to pop in on this last day of voting for the 2007 Weblog awards and ask you kindly to clicky click over to their site and vote for the Stirrup-Queens for best medical/health issues blog. Mel has one of the most comprehensive (in)fertility blogs, ever, with links constantly being updated, and TONS of information right there.

Her site deals with IF in a sane, compassionate, sometimes funny, and totally inclusive way. Plus, she’s just mad cool, a great baker, and a kind friend who had nothing but the right things to say to me when I have needed some support in this totally fucked up game of babymaking. 

So yeah. 

Vote today (it’s your last chance) and hopefully she’ll win…and perhaps win more than a title or an icon, but shine a little more spotlight on this issue which obviously is very near and dear to me.


letting my juvenile impulses sway

October 31, 2007

I’m such a lucky little devil. Morrissey, my love, played in Boston last night. I wasn’t going to go. I’d just seen him (different tour) in May. Money is tight. And even though I love him so so much I couldn’t justify 75$ per ticket AND a trip into Boston to go see him, again.  But stroke of good luck, a friend noticed some cheap cheap tickets on line. Like, $50 for the BOTH of them. In the center orchestra. HOW could I say no?? Exactly. Couldn’t. 

And it was so so good. And I didn’t even get stuck in evil Red Sox parade traffic. Or have an issue with parking. Or have any roadblocks standing between me and my man.  Bonus? Girl in A Coma, with a HOTTIE queer bassist opened. Which is great because um, the woman who previously was opening? Not so good. And GIAC wasn’t all that bad. In fact, they were pretty ok. Which is pretty spectacular for a Morrissey opening act.

And I had great company with my friend KP. And good conversations. And shit. Deliliah on the radio on the way home. We like to listen to Delilah and based upon what the caller is saying we like to guess the artist that Delilah is going to play for them. Last night, I guessed Celine Dion on a caller and I was TOTALLY right. In all fairness, it’s usually Celine, Phil Collins, or Kenny Rogers, but STILL. I got one.

Kind of a perfect evening. I’m remembering how much I love to live for stuff like this. And it’s good.

Happy Halloween!!! I’m dressed up as a tired but happy lesbian.


GFM Recap

October 3, 2007

Even though I am a *lucky* recipient of what is being called the “Portland Plague,” I still managed to drag myself out to GFM, Olive Garden extravaganza. Our waitpeople had no idea what they were getting themselves into.  The entire event lasted well over 2 hours, but we were a big group anyway, so there was much conversation as entertainment outside of the competitive eating.

And how did our contestants fare?? Contestant #1, KD well, she talked a really big game but managed to only get 3 bowls down.  She gave a big FU to the other contestants by getting a piece of cheesecake as desert, but really I don’t think it phased the other two contenders at all.

Contestant #2, aka my little sister fared better. Though I think she did it a little too fast and almost as soon as she got her 5th bowl (yes, 5) down she called her self out of the game and raced off to the restroom.

Which leaves us with our winner KP, who finished and kept down his 5th bowl of pasta. He was rewarded nicely by not having to pay for his dinner and also having bragging rites till next year. I was told he managed to keep his dinner down at least an hour after eating, though um, some of it made….a return.  He also reports not being hungry until 5pm the following day.

So, there you have it. GFM spaghetti eating competition of 07 is over. Next year I’m going to figure out a way that others can compete via webcam. This could become the “next big thing.” Really.


Return of GFM

October 1, 2007

What I’ve written about before as “Monday Madness,” has been renamed “Gross Food Monday,” and is reconvening tonight at the Olive Garden. Not that we think the OG is a gross resturant, I mean, it’s not really Italian food, but what it is isn’t SO bad. And it’s cheap.  But there is a specific point to tonight’s venture out.

It seems that a few of my friends, and my sister, have been inspired by the recent world champion burrito eating contest that took place in the Portland area last weekend. Such “competitive eating,” (though, let me just say, I DON’T consider this a sport) champions such as Takeru Kobayashi who was until recently the Nathan’s champion, and Sonia, “The Black Widow” Thomas were in town for the event. Now we didn’t actually GO to watch (we could have but um….really, there are much better things to waste time on,) but since the event, some of our crew have been….inspired.

Which brings us to tonight. It is that time of year when the OG has brought back the “never ending pasta bowl,” which is affording my friends the perfect opportunity to engage in some competitive eating, and also not pay very much for it. Personally, I think this is gross. But it IS “Gross Food Monday,” and so I will go and watch. 

So far there have been only a few rules set down….winner is selected based on how many total bowls of pasta eaten, competitor has free choice of what kind of pasta ordered (which makes them have to think a bit. I wouldn’t suggest anything with alfredo,) and can choose whether or not to eat salad or bread (I wouldn’t do that, either.) The only two prohibitive rules we’ve come up with is that one must keep down all food until leaving the OG premises, and also that one is not allowed to engage in any pre game rituals that perhaps might be classified as ….”performance enhancers.” 

So, yeah. The return of GFM.  Life can be fun. You know,  sometimes, when some of you guys tell me that I do awesome things with my friends….and that you wished you live closer to participate? Probably rethinking that notion right about now, eh?


i tear my heart open just to feel

August 20, 2007

Truth of the matter is, no matter how calm or nonchalantly I express myself during this cycle, the reality is that there is a tremendous amount riding on it, and I’m starting to feel that.  Or rather, I’m starting to LET myself feel that, and that’s okay.  I’ve been thinking so many different thoughts over the past two weeks, as this IVF cycle has really ramped up and I guess as today is likely “trigger” day, it’s all coming to a head here, now.

I’m scared this won’t work. I’m scared it will. I want it to so very very much. I’d like to not fail. I’d like to not lose a very very expensive gamble.  I’ve had 6 ultrasounds and blood draws in the past seven days. S is injecting me with medications multiple times every evening. The eggs are growing. There are a good number of them, but not a scary, OHSS number. My e2 levels have been low but they are steadily climbing and I’ve been both calmed and encouraged at the news Nurse Wonderful feeds me every afternoon, which is good, because I often feel discouraged after the ultrasounds.  One part of me wants the zillion eggs PCOS’r’s are supposed to get. The other part of me knows how much my clinic has my back, and is doing there damndest to keep me safe and healthy. I also will take quality over quantity every time. So if we get 14 perfect, well developed eggs, I’ll take that over 35 crappy ones. It’s also somewhat nice to know that my OHSS risk is lower and that they are serious about watching for it. 

Using a smaller clinic has it’s benefits, not only more individualized care and a higher success rate (probably because of the detailed care) but I feel like everyone from my Dr, nurse, sonographer, and phlebotomist all know me a little bit, and really care about me when they ask about my progress. This is certainly a comfort.

I feel like I have so so much support from family and friends. Starting with my wife. She’s been so amazing – I don’t even have words to go into it.  As has my mom, checking up on me almost daily, asking if I want her to come up and be with me during retrieval/transfer time. I’ve said “no thanks,” but the sentiment was much appreciated. My sister will be the best aunt ever, this I am sure of. As much as I joke about and tease her, I am certain she will likely be the best aunt in the world history of aunts and deep down I’m so so glad that she will be around in the next few weeks to be here for tears of joy, or sadness.

My friends have been incredible support as well. There’s one local friend who has been so amazing to both S and I during this time that I don’t even have the words to thank her, I just hope that I can find some, and soon, as she’s made this uncertain time easier for both of us, and has taken great care of us as well.  I also have great thanks for those friends who check in with phone calls and emails, and who I know include us in their daily prayers and meditations. Most importantly, I guess, is that every time we do our injections in the evening I think of, and silently thank those women who donated their leftover medications to us. I think with great hope of the possibility that these drugs that I’m using have the potential to have helped create 4 (or more if I can pass them on) miracles and dreams come true. This is a pretty amazing thought, to me, anyway.

Weird coincidence things are starting to occur and I’m trying to not read into them. It looks like my transfer day will be my father’s birthday.  We’d be getting our beta numbers just before Rosh Hashanah. Does this mean anything? I don’t know. I don’t usually believe in superstition, but it seems like in times like these, the mind wants to grasp onto whatever it can as hope, or a sign, or just…something special.  My sister says that she’s “doing the secret” for us and this baby and that she already knows that she’s going to be an aunt next year.  I don’t think I believe in that but it can’t hurt to have more people rooting for us, can it?

Also creeping into my thoughts is my relationship with G-d. I can’t ever remember a time when I prayed for something that would benefit me directly. This kind of makes me feel weird, but I also think there’s never been a better time to ask for something for myself.  I’m always asking G-d to watch over my family and friends and to keep my loved ones safe. I’ve never asked to be watched over myself. 

So, kids, that’s about it. I know, it’s rare that I just…open up like this, but I know that those who know me, or have been long time readers have probably felt like I’ve been leaving stuff out. And I have. I haven’t been talking about the process, or how my scans have been, or what being injected is like for me. I’m sorry, but I’m probably just guarding my heart and head from the possible let down. Though I’m slowly realizing that either way, either outcome, I’m going to need “your” support. Which is funny, isn’t it? I mean I know pretty much no one locally who knows what this is like. Very few (though to be fair, the one I know who has gone through this has been wonderful with her advice, thanks R) who I can say “come over and eat dinner and talk with me about this, and how it was for you.”  And having all of you is better than just having one of “them.”

Thanks for being my support.