Archive for the ‘Babymakin’’ Category

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curtains…

October 21, 2008

It was around this time three years ago when this actively became a blog about two girls trying to make a baby. And now, I guess it’s time to realize that at this moment that isn’t meant to be.

It’s kind of with a heavy hand that I’m writing this all – there is such sadness in me over it  – it’s something that I want so badly but know that now is not the time.

So I guess that’s it…The toll that the whole process has taken has done an incredible number on my relationship with S. And in some ways, I think, all of the pressure and angst and anxiety over it kind of just found it’s way into our lives and that’s just how living was. And that’s not good enough for S. And it’s not good enough for me.

We need desperately to work on “us,” and to focus and re-group and remember that our best days have been days spent with each other, and that we need to work more on making those days happen.

There’s a ton of stuff to say but I don’t quite know how yet. For now, I guess, this is the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

I’m so thankful for all of the support that this incredible internet community has given me. I’ve made some of my closest connections with people “here,” and some of you are my “peeps,” who I turn too in times of crisis and need. Thank you all so much.

I’ve spent the last couple of days deleting certain links from my blogroll – it’s just too hard right now. I hope you understand.

I don’t exactly know how this space will evolve, or if it even will.  My head is swimming in a pool filled with some of the hardest emotions I’ve ever had to wade through.

Thanks for everything.

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Phantom limb syndrome sorta…

June 10, 2008

I’m now going to talk about some of the not talked about IVF side effects. I have phantom butt pain. No really. At first I thought I was crazy and then I talked to my doc and she confirmed that yeah, I have phantom butt pain.

Let me explain more. And yeah, this is somewhat silly and gross but oh well, someone has to talk about it. Shortly after the last cycle I noticed that there was a spot on my “upper outer quadrant” that felt funny and tingly sort of like pins and needles but not that strong – I couldn’t feel anything in the area that was tingling, either. So I started telling S that I thought something was up, that I was feeling weird pain in my butt.  She thought I was telling stories but then I asked the doc about it.

Nerve damage from PIO shots.

Yes really. Of course I would be the one who would have nerve damage in my ass from IVF.  In jest we joke about how we’ll someday tell our kid what we went through to get them here, now including phantom butt pain.  And sometimes it seems like a stretch to even think that we might be so blessed to be able to do so.

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almost made it

May 11, 2008

Someday, remind me to tell you about the time when we went to a baseball game on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and after the game running into the lesbian couple with kid who S worked with not too long ago. And the time when one of them gave me a big hug and said “Happy Mother’s Day” with incredible glee.

My only response was “uuuuh thanks.”

She ran back a moment later to apologize but damn if that didn’t kill. I think making matters worse is that their kid was the product of IVF, and they went through many many failed cycles. Seriously.

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Protected: Protected: spectacular

April 17, 2008

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Protected: Protected: super trooper

April 7, 2008

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Protected: Protected: Hey Slacker

April 6, 2008

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Protected: Protected: totally not surprising

April 5, 2008

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