Archive for June, 2009


i hope you held on to your ticket

June 12, 2009

So…I’ve been keeping something under wraps for a bit, but…here goes me letting you in…

In the efforts of taking my life into my own control – a few weeks ago I was hanging out with two of my favorite friends. We had a lovely time just chatting about life and love and what we want. It was the first warm enough evening to sit by the ocean and talk and talk….and I started thinking about one of them. Cute. Tall. Smart. Funny. Incredibly kind. All good things. And I guess I started thinking about what it would be like to start trying – without doctors, without drugs, and without people around me who are secretly negative about the whole thing.

Since S and I broke up, I’ve lost more than 40 pounds. I eat much much better. I work out…a lot. I run. I haven’t taken to drinking, or to excessive use of any other substance. I’ve worked on the smoking (it was always easier to quit when there was a goal) and am off Metformin, as my numbers are where they should be on my own accord.

So – last Friday, I was hanging out with my friend who knows SG (I’ll call him this for Super Guy) pretty well and asked him what he thought SG’s response might be if I asked him to be my donor. He got a huge smile and said, “I think you should ask him.”

So…earlier this week, SG and I had breakfast and I asked him. I prefaced the question with “Please don’t think that you need to answer this now, or if your first and visceral response is “no,” tell me – I’ll still love you and still be your friend.” He got this huge, gigantic grin on his face. And we talked about what it would look like. His (non existent) legal responsibilities. How in my head he’s “uncle SG,” and that we’d be open and honest about his involvement. And if when the child came, and he took more of an interest, then, so be it – I honestly don’t have a problem with my child having a “daddy” – I guess I figure the more help/hands/love – the better off everyone will be. And we talked about single parenthood – not that he was concerned, but just wanted to talk about it a little. We talked about how I didn’t want him someday to regret that he’d done this if he can’t have bio kids – to which he said that while kids were an important part of his future, adoption was always the way he wanted to go.

And then – he looked at me and smiled and said “I think I would like to say yes, please.”


Yeah, things could change in the blink of an eye, and he could change his mind, but after 3 years, double digits of IUI’s, home insems, and 2 IVF’s and one m/c…. now I’m going about this in the place where most people start.

I had acupuncture today, we started working on fertility again, I’ve increased my appointments but….I have to say everything thus far has been SO medicalized – I’ve never really charted. I’ve never really done the temperature thing. I’m kind of….well, for an infertility expert on myself, not so expert in how you make a baby with the real stuff.

When on Metformin, my periods were 38 day cycles. when I took myself off the metformin, I was having 21 day cycles for about 3 months, had one 40 day cycle, and have had two 38 day cycles in a row – periods that were heavier than I’m used too. I also swear that on Monday (CD 13) i could feel myself ovulate – it was not pain, but not a feeling I’ve ever had before. Which kind of really jumpstarted me thinking that this could really maybe work.

But I kind of don’t know where to start. I know that most of the peeps who started the journey when I did are parents, some over 2x around. So, yeah – I know I don’t know a whole lot of you guys but…any help is good help.

Thanks….and welcome back on the ride.


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June 10, 2009

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little deuce coupe

June 10, 2009

I know I’ve talked before about how much I love my car. I mean, loved my car. I really really did. I had the last year of the Baja that Subaru made, with a turbo, in mint condition. It had a bike rack and a tonneau cover and ski racks and did everything I wanted a car to do.


Every time I drove it I imagined S sitting next to me, us on our way to some adventure or outing or just for a drive. Mind you, I tried to create new good memories in that car, and, to some extent, very well succeeded, but….it just wasn’t enough. In addition, the loan and the title were all in her name as well and I just…needed to make a clean break.


This speed machine is now mine. 265 hp. 0-60 in 4.8 seconds. Shiny. Bucket seats. Awesome stereo. Mean looking. Really really fun to drive – seriously, I love it already even though I’ve never owned a 5 speed before and am not the best driver…yet.

But I do look at the car and smile.



sun’s goin’ down and its the end of the day

June 8, 2009

This weekend was a really nice respite from the shit-storm that has become my daily existence. Much needed. It started out on Friday evening, after work. My friend Z and I went to Portland’s “First Friday Art Walk,” which is actually one of my most favorite monthly holidays. Even better was that it was the first really nice weathered art walk since, well, last fall, so yay for being outside.

We watched our friend J do some performance art, queering up a scene from the movie “Hook,” which involved a lot of frosting, which was…just fun and a way to make all the crap go away for a little bit. Onwards to a few other galleries, ran into S, which was…hard, because I’m stumbling so bad at her right now and it’s pretty hard to keep myself from saying something stupid and weak and dumb to her. But we moved on, and talked, and then went to dinner with J, where I had a sip of her beer. AND LOVED IT. Will get back to that, later.

Saturday was filled with work, of course, but I did manage to leave early, pick up some friends, and head to Boston for a birthday party where half of the attendees were Portland people who I love and the other half were Boston people who I like a whole heck of a lot and am getting to know better. There was relaxing and joy and fire and s’mores and stories and laughing so hard I cried at times and couldn’t quite catch my breath it was so so so good. This is after the smore was eaten. Marshmallows are messy.

The next morning was all about getting up, getting hydrated, and getting some food with good grease content into our tummies. This week has seen me totally fall off the wagon, but I’m going to climb back up again tomorrow. One week off won’t kill me and I mostly enjoyed myself immensely. Anyway, ate, dressed, left early to get back to Portland for the yearly “Old Port Festival.” Went down relatively late with a friend, walked around, watched Dar Williams perform, and then did my favorite thing which is going to the touchy barnyard to look at the goats! These two little guys were play fighting the whole time, and it was maybe the most adorable thing ever.

Then, we met up with K, and went out to dinner at one of my favorite local institutions and I had my first real opportunity to order my new favorite beer ever. It’s a Belgian beer called “Duchesse de bour-gogne” and it is delicious. I can only describe the taste as….gunmetal and blood. It’s sweet-ish, and dark, and delicious and as I generally HATE beer, well, this is a welcome change and I’m glad I found one to enjoy. First wine, then beer – who knows what else I’m going to figure out I actually like!

Ended today with a couple hours learning how to “turf cut” at EQME. If you weren’t aware, we have this marriage thing going on in the state and well, I hate going door to door and making phone calls and this allows me to be very helpful and behind the scenes – basically plotting the “turf” for canvassers so they know which houses they should go to. It’s actually really anal retentive and ocd and totally right up my alley. Love.

Now….I was going to watch some of the Tony’s but…turns out I’m kind of exhausted. And even though so many things are unsettled in my heart and mind….I think I’m going to go to sleep smiling.


it’s what you had to do

June 6, 2009

I am living this.


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June 4, 2009

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i dreamt about you last night and i fell out of bed twice

June 2, 2009

As another new week starts….I got some news – indifferent to me but the gist is that there is some pretty big upheaval in the life I left behind, or, the life I was left for. I’m not ever one to find joy in someone else’s pain, that said, the events happening are ones that I pretty much pegged….and while A isn’t directly involved in this either, it continues to amaze me the kind of emotional destruction that seems to surround her, or that she surrounds herself in. I am still of the opinion that while A didn’t directly cause our break up, I know that we didn’t have a chance to focus 100% on each other (well, I did, she didn’t) with her in the picture.

In other news…Art. While recent micro-relationships haven’t quite gone in directions I’d hoped for, something, and I can only peg that self awakening had something to do with it, has lit a spark under my creative side and I’m working on the most incredible project. I’ve been…inspired…to do some self portraiture work, in a medium that is highly accessible and so will likely be opened to others. I’ve run it by a few of the harshest critics I know and have been surprised at 1) how well they’ve received the project and 2)how many people I’m letting see a side of me I don’t think I ever expected to share. I may be willing to post some of it here, locked, so…if you’re interested, email for more info and password.

Dating is interesting. There are a few people in the mix right now…B – cute, butch, younger than me…I’m fond of her but have been very clear how this is a “no attachment” type thing – and hoping that she’s listening when I say things like “it is good that you’re learning such awesome things about yourself with me, but thats about you figuring that out, and much less about me.” Right now I think she is understanding that. She’s sweet and well, I don’t want to be the older asshole who goes and fucks with her head. It’s morphing into something unexpected as far as what I’m typically after in a partner, so we’ll see if I can continue to adapt and enjoy.

Scenario 2 is a friend who I probably shouldn’t be thinking about, in the “ever” sort of way but…life is what it is and so it’s an avenue I’m interested in seeing through – even if just for that “we had a “moment” with each other but we really are made to be friends” kind of closure.

and Scenario 3 is a possibility of a set up with a femme from city south of here. I’ve seen photos and she’s freaking adorable, my type, and from what Ive heard seems to be quick and smart and funny. So, we’ll see there.

And then theres…..

Seriously? I don’t get it. I’m really not emotionally available to…almost anyone right now. I’m not good partner material for anyone right now. And there seems to be no shortage of interested parties. I don’t get it. A friend recently said that she understood, and that “when I was bitter and angry and inclined to treat women as disposable, they lined up for that shit.” I don’t understand this at all, but it’s something I’m starting to experience and am trying desperately hard to not take advantage of. Because I could see myself falling into a pattern like that really easily, and then starting to hate myself for going there.

Anyway. Enough for today. There’s only 4 of you who read this drivel anymore, anyway so, you know…I should end it now.