and when i die, i expect to find him laughing

June 25, 2009

Even though today was my day off, it totally was packed with just…so much stuff that i’m just winding down now at 11pm and I barely feel any kind of relaxed.

Outside of petty car paperwork things and silly laundry (of which there was a ton, but, whateves, every pair of underwear I own is clean, so there’s solace in that) I had my weekly self-love in with my therapist and my acupuncturist.

I really love my therapist. She gets me and knows where my walls are and knows how to help me climb up and peek over them to see what’s on the other side. And as shown by my clear outbursts towards S on Monday, I’m very much working my way through the “anger” phase of my healing – and was, perhaps for the first time, able to clearly state how much S hurt me, to her, including how I felt that she was unfair in how she went about ending things, unfair about how she treated me, and that I felt like she cheated on me under the guise of having an open relationship.

And I think she agreed. And I know she knows how badly she hurt me. And so now, knowing that there’s not even a snowball’s chance in hell that we might reconcile (that was made quite clear) I’m supposed to start grieving. Because if I don’t do that, it seems that I’ll never get “beyond.” I just need to figure it out. Apparently it involves lots of tears and some sobbing, which I’m not particularly prone to doing and I’m not quite feeling it about this yet.

I do know that every person (okay, with an exception of the one who was in my life before the break-up but isn’t now so it almost doesn’t matter) that I’ve been involved with since February has been almost entirely about distraction. That’s not to say I didn’t have feelings for some of them – but S and I were together for a long time, and I’m not just going to be able to extract myself and my emotions out of that immediatly, and it’s going to take some time. I almost think there’d be something wrong with me if I was suddenly able to function at 100% so soon after my marriage had ended. I guess what’s hard right now is that there’s someone with whom I can fairly easily say I have real feelings for. I acknowledge that there’s a distraction piece in it – but my thinking? I think I may have to step away and deal with me. Because if there is something really good there, I don’t want any part of it to be about the comfort of distraction. And if it goes away? Well. I guess I’ll be sad but not broken and just another thing that’s come along where all I can say is, “it is what it is.”

“It is what it is.” I’ve said this more in the past 6 months than I can remember. I’m actually getting pretty fucking tired of “it is what it is.”



  1. That is some pretty amazing strength. I wish I had that.

  2. my mother used to have this relatively tacky picture in our bathroom with seagulls and this saying on it. the saying has stuck with me over the years and I think it might be applicable in your situation. and I think the message is true.

    “if you love something, set it free… if it comes back to you, it’s yours… if it doesn’t, it never was…”

    keep healing… it might not feel like it, but you’re doing a really good job and being honest with yourself and that’s really all you can do.

  3. “it is what it is” SUCKS!!! I’m with you! I’m sorry. It will get better.. the healing process just stinks, it sucks and I think it’s safe to say hated by everyone. Take care of yourself! Be good to yourself. Do what makes you feel happy and feel good.

  4. it’s all a process, but that doesn’t mean it is or will be easy. You sound very clear and good in this post. I love you and am proud of your strength.

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