Archive for June 21st, 2009


i’m really missing you

June 21, 2009

It’s always about this time, mid afternoon, that Father’s day creeps up on me and I become a mess of a person who finds herself doing something that at first seems innocuous and then turns into a ball of tears.

This year I found myself making ratatouille. I was in the store. Eggplant looked good. So I bought it and started cooking and by the time I put it in the oven I was thinking about the little ceramic dishes he used to serve it in and the tears started.

Running into S, and A at breakfast this morning kills also. I miss Father’s day with her and her family who I really did truly love. And I’m just still so angry that she would allow someone else to get in the way of our marriage – to not recognize what was going on and how she was really no help to us, or figuring out how we could make us continue and be stronger.

And for my catty moment, I have never seen A looking as awful as I did yesterday/today – mind you, I haven’t seen her in months, but seriously she’s just…put on a ton of weight and not looking terrifically happy. S doesn’t particularly look well either and I can only just….wonder what’s really going on with her/them. I mostly just don’t want to know, but fuck, we spent 6 years building a life together that it seems like it was just torn away in minutes.

In happier news, pride wasn’t awful. I made it back for some of the festival, spent the afternoon lounging around, and danced and sweated my ass off with a zillion of my closest queer friends and my sister, who, while we’re having some issues of our own, was able to put it aside and have a seriously fun evening.

For now? I’ve rented some movies, and have some turf to cut by tomorrow. And I’ll occupy my thoughts with him, and her, and the new her who I don’t quite yet understand what’s going on but am smart enough to just ride it out and see if some really really good can come from it.