i hope you held on to your ticket

So…I’ve been keeping something under wraps for a bit, but…here goes me letting you in…

In the efforts of taking my life into my own control – a few weeks ago I was hanging out with two of my favorite friends. We had a lovely time just chatting about life and love and what we want. It was the first warm enough evening to sit by the ocean and talk and talk….and I started thinking about one of them. Cute. Tall. Smart. Funny. Incredibly kind. All good things. And I guess I started thinking about what it would be like to start trying – without doctors, without drugs, and without people around me who are secretly negative about the whole thing.

Since S and I broke up, I’ve lost more than 40 pounds. I eat much much better. I work out…a lot. I run. I haven’t taken to drinking, or to excessive use of any other substance. I’ve worked on the smoking (it was always easier to quit when there was a goal) and am off Metformin, as my numbers are where they should be on my own accord.

So – last Friday, I was hanging out with my friend who knows SG (I’ll call him this for Super Guy) pretty well and asked him what he thought SG’s response might be if I asked him to be my donor. He got a huge smile and said, “I think you should ask him.”

So…earlier this week, SG and I had breakfast and I asked him. I prefaced the question with “Please don’t think that you need to answer this now, or if your first and visceral response is “no,” tell me – I’ll still love you and still be your friend.” He got this huge, gigantic grin on his face. And we talked about what it would look like. His (non existent) legal responsibilities. How in my head he’s “uncle SG,” and that we’d be open and honest about his involvement. And if when the child came, and he took more of an interest, then, so be it – I honestly don’t have a problem with my child having a “daddy” – I guess I figure the more help/hands/love – the better off everyone will be. And we talked about single parenthood – not that he was concerned, but just wanted to talk about it a little. We talked about how I didn’t want him someday to regret that he’d done this if he can’t have bio kids – to which he said that while kids were an important part of his future, adoption was always the way he wanted to go.

And then – he looked at me and smiled and said “I think I would like to say yes, please.”

So.

Yeah, things could change in the blink of an eye, and he could change his mind, but after 3 years, double digits of IUI’s, home insems, and 2 IVF’s and one m/c…. now I’m going about this in the place where most people start.

I had acupuncture today, we started working on fertility again, I’ve increased my appointments but….I have to say everything thus far has been SO medicalized – I’ve never really charted. I’ve never really done the temperature thing. I’m kind of….well, for an infertility expert on myself, not so expert in how you make a baby with the real stuff.

When on Metformin, my periods were 38 day cycles. when I took myself off the metformin, I was having 21 day cycles for about 3 months, had one 40 day cycle, and have had two 38 day cycles in a row – periods that were heavier than I’m used too. I also swear that on Monday (CD 13) i could feel myself ovulate – it was not pain, but not a feeling I’ve ever had before. Which kind of really jumpstarted me thinking that this could really maybe work.

But I kind of don’t know where to start. I know that most of the peeps who started the journey when I did are parents, some over 2x around. So, yeah – I know I don’t know a whole lot of you guys but…any help is good help.

Thanks….and welcome back on the ride.