Archive for June 2nd, 2009

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i dreamt about you last night and i fell out of bed twice

June 2, 2009

As another new week starts….I got some news – indifferent to me but the gist is that there is some pretty big upheaval in the life I left behind, or, the life I was left for. I’m not ever one to find joy in someone else’s pain, that said, the events happening are ones that I pretty much pegged….and while A isn’t directly involved in this either, it continues to amaze me the kind of emotional destruction that seems to surround her, or that she surrounds herself in. I am still of the opinion that while A didn’t directly cause our break up, I know that we didn’t have a chance to focus 100% on each other (well, I did, she didn’t) with her in the picture.

In other news…Art. While recent micro-relationships haven’t quite gone in directions I’d hoped for, something, and I can only peg that self awakening had something to do with it, has lit a spark under my creative side and I’m working on the most incredible project. I’ve been…inspired…to do some self portraiture work, in a medium that is highly accessible and so will likely be opened to others. I’ve run it by a few of the harshest critics I know and have been surprised at 1) how well they’ve received the project and 2)how many people I’m letting see a side of me I don’t think I ever expected to share. I may be willing to post some of it here, locked, so…if you’re interested, email for more info and password.

Dating is interesting. There are a few people in the mix right now…B – cute, butch, younger than me…I’m fond of her but have been very clear how this is a “no attachment” type thing – and hoping that she’s listening when I say things like “it is good that you’re learning such awesome things about yourself with me, but thats about you figuring that out, and much less about me.” Right now I think she is understanding that. She’s sweet and well, I don’t want to be the older asshole who goes and fucks with her head. It’s morphing into something unexpected as far as what I’m typically after in a partner, so we’ll see if I can continue to adapt and enjoy.

Scenario 2 is a friend who I probably shouldn’t be thinking about, in the “ever” sort of way but…life is what it is and so it’s an avenue I’m interested in seeing through – even if just for that “we had a “moment” with each other but we really are made to be friends” kind of closure.

and Scenario 3 is a possibility of a set up with a femme from city south of here. I’ve seen photos and she’s freaking adorable, my type, and from what Ive heard seems to be quick and smart and funny. So, we’ll see there.

And then theres…..

Seriously? I don’t get it. I’m really not emotionally available to…almost anyone right now. I’m not good partner material for anyone right now. And there seems to be no shortage of interested parties. I don’t get it. A friend recently said that she understood, and that “when I was bitter and angry and inclined to treat women as disposable, they lined up for that shit.” I don’t understand this at all, but it’s something I’m starting to experience and am trying desperately hard to not take advantage of. Because I could see myself falling into a pattern like that really easily, and then starting to hate myself for going there.

Anyway. Enough for today. There’s only 4 of you who read this drivel anymore, anyway so, you know…I should end it now.

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