Archive for April, 2009


if i had any sense i guess i’d fear this

April 14, 2009

But sense isn’t really what’s ruling my emotions right now. I’m being irrational. And I’m letting go. And I’m accepting change as change is thrown at me. So no matter what happens, I’ve learned some pretty amazing things about myself.

Mostly that the tattoo on my wrist is absolutely and unequivocally 100% accurate.


stumbling into…

April 12, 2009

Today S came over with some of my stuff. We both had some things we needed to trade off. Initially, I was just going to do this like, casual thing where all she got to see was my entry way. I wasn’t quite ready to show her my house.

And then she got here. And I just…I wasn’t…upset or feeling like I had to have or get anything from her. My heart felt vacant. Though it did remember that I loved her. I showed her my house. She seemed pretty impressed, especially with the kitchen. We talked a bit. I was able to express some of the things that I’ve been able to see recently that were pretty big problems in our relationship. She accepted what I had to say. She seemed to really miss me – not in a “want you back” kind of way, but in a I really miss having you around and being your friend kind of way.

We talked about some of the things I’d taken, and we talked about….the things I left behind. She started crying when mentioning that I’d left everything she’d ever made or given me behind. She told me they were put away, with photos, in case I ever wanted any of it. She asked me to burn my iphoto albums to a disc for her because she didn’t have any photos and wanted them. We both cried over sadness. She apologized for the way in which she handled some things. She seemed really really sad that she’d hurt me.

We hugged twice, once in the middle of a conversation about how sad she was, and once when she left.

It was sad. I’m still kind of emotionally just…bruised a bit from the encounter. I miss talking to her like that so much. I miss being her friend – I did find out that she was not seeing A but that things were moving in that direction. I told her that I missed A too, but I didn’t think I could really be either of their friends if they were dating. She told me about a coffee date she’d had with someone that was very awkward. It didn’t hurt to hear about it, and didn’t make me jealous or angry.

I brought up some information about a ….situation that I’ve been dealing with. She said that she’d known about the fallout and wanted to ask but didn’t feel that was her place. I explained what happened, and S was sad that I’d been hurt, again, by someone who I cared about, but also didn’t think that what she knew was the full story, and she was right. She trusts my version of “truth” and really didn’t think that I’d done anything to cause the breakdown. It was good to get that out of the way.

I got really brave and told her about this woman that I’m interested in. Seeing? Dating? Really really infatuated with right now? I felt I had to tell her because as much as I would love to just show up to some event with her on my arm and leave both S and A speechless, I didn’t think that was fair.

I didn’t want a specific….similarity….to knock her down. I didn’t think that was fair either. She took that news pretty well.  I showed her one photo….she said, “you sure like the pretty ones.” She seemed slightly hurt which almost felt good but bad at the same time. She promised to keep that information to herself, and that if and when people asked about who I was with, she could just say, “that’s xxx, she really seems to care a lot about j.” Being honest about where I was felt good. And kind of felt like the fact that someone else was caring a lot about me and making me feel very special was something she was happy for me about.

And hopefully I can decompress some of this stuff with this amazing woman later. This incredible girl who was so scared that S was going to come over and tell me that she’d been stupid (because according to her, who wouldn’t want to have me – see, she makes me feel amazing all the time) and that I’d run back.

It wasn’t even close.


i’ve been dumb, i’ve been perfectly beautiful

April 11, 2009

Today was a really kind of not so good hard day that had really good glimmers of happiness intertwined with the bleak.

The bleak is not my fault.

But I’m sad. And I’ll be more sad if it gets in the way of the first really freaking good thing to happen to me in a long long time.

I’m on the cusp of happiness.


i don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors but…

April 9, 2009

What a difference a week can make. Ups and Downs and all over the place emotionally.

Trying to get out of my head a little bit and just accept what the universe is providing me, even if it is crazy and amazing and strange and beautiful.

Because I’m maybe starting to figure out that I’m pretty ok. And I deserve to be happy and loved just as much as….anyone.


the amazing people

April 6, 2009

Thanks for all the positive reinforcement about my kitchen. Those who have seen it in person have thought it was awesome too, and last night I cooked my first meal (pasta/pesto/tomatoes/artichoke hearts/olives) in it. Aside from burning some garlic bread (I totally forgot about it) it worked pretty well. Some things will need to be tweaked for optimum efficiency, but I think it is going to be great.

I had a great weekend. I think that’s pretty freaking amazing. I still have my moments. They still happen daily. But they are less of an emotional upheaval, and I really found some time to just enjoy myself and those who love me this weekend. I worked, played, and relaxed. I spent an evening with someone who kinda gets me pretty good, and who I don’t ever really get to see, and that was a gift in itself.  In addition to that, I resisted the urge to pick up a paintbrush or unpack and I spent my Sunday outside enjoying some good weather and inside just vegetating.

And then I got invited to a byo (meat/drink) bbq at E and J’s house. I know that I ‘ve totally shouted out my sister for taking excellent care of me through the course of this break up, but next down on the list of people that have kept me (relatively) sane are E and J.  I have liked E and J since I met them, when their son j (we’ll go lowercase for him as to not confuse between him and mom J)  was just shy of a year old, and S and I were just starting out on the baby making thing.  I was with E the moment she found out that they would be adopting A. I’ve known both of their kids for most of their lives, but I’ve been able to spend a lot more time with them recently which has centered me, and made me really recognize what is important to me.  They both have so many great qualities, and are awesome parents to two of the sweetest children ever.  They are also awesome friends who have pretty much had the….support of me enough to say what they were really thinking about what was going on. Which had been lacking in my life, and needed, and really good for me to hear.

Tonight was not unlike others, but I just want to give you glimpse of why it’s so healing and great for me to hang out in their space. First, I must show the cuteness.  As a gift, j received one of those small animatronic “spike” dinosaurs. And it absolutely TERRIFIES him. So much so that he made E and J put it in the basement. And then, j made this sign to put on the basement door:


If you don’t have “kid read,” his sign says, “No dinosaurs allowed please love j.” How fucking cute is that? Not only that but j boosts my ego every time I see him. A few weeks back when playing catch, I caught a pretty wildly thrown ball with one hand. And j said, “J, you are SO good at sports.” Today’s gem was “j, I hope that someday I am as tall as you are!” Even though that will likely happen when he’s 12, it still felt good that someone thinks I’m tall.

Back to the moms and the campfire. It’s just so nice and relaxing to shoot the shit and laugh and joke around a fire. Tonight we had a new discovery which I believe is going to become a yearly Easter time event.  Peeps on the barbie.

No joke, these are delicious. Like a toasted marshmallow with a crispy-ish cotton candy tasting shell. So good. I really thought they would be icky but they were lovely. I will admit there were some mishaps, and we lost some to the fire. At least these two went down together.

Seriously, stock up on them after Sunday for your next bbq. You’ll thank me later.

I’m really happy that the sunshine is starting to get to me. It’s about time.


and sometimes i frighten myself…

April 3, 2009

with how awesome I am.

I think of it as Martha Stewart meets Monster Garage.

It took 3 days and some major swearing but I managed to put that whole freaking thing together and it’s amazing and it has a light and a power strip on it and is so so so cool and me and perfect and makes me so happy to walk into my kitchen.

And um, it’s the little things that make it super extra special.

Yes, I am that gay. But…it’s awesome. It’s also 2.08 in the morning so. um. bed. now.


pulling up

April 2, 2009

I swear I’m going to take my “day off” and relax, it just didn’t happen today.

My house is starting to become my home. My kitchen is painted and the furniture is somewhat assembled. I’m going for a Monster Garage meets Martha Stewart kind of thing. I’ll take pictures when it’s done but it may be the butchest/gayest kitchen design ever. I’m kind of in love with myself for thinking it would work and making it happen.

For me, the kitchen is so very much the most important room. I show people that I love them by cooking. I also haven’t had more to eat than cereal, pizza, and bananas in this house because i haven’t unpacked any kitchen stuff yet because 1)I hate re-moving things after placing them, and 2) until today had no where to put anything.

I also accomplished some tasky things today. I kind of have a little fire under my behind because of a visitor coming this weekend who I’d like to at least see my place and think I’m not totally inept at fending for myself. I have also remembered that just because I don’t drink coffee, most of the rest of the population does and well, I need to be prepared for things like that.  So, I got a French press because I figure at least I can steep my tea at the same time.

In addition, the “geek squad” came to my house and showed me how to make my tv work right and also made it so I only have to use one remote, not three. Score one for the geeks.

I somehow managed to fit in time for acupuncture and a haircut and dinner with a friend. I would have done the therapy thing but that got canceled which gave me more time for the second coat of the kitchen.

And, one little factoid that I don’t know if it means anything but as March was perhaps the worst month of my personal life, ever, it was the most successful of my professional life. Which is strange because I felt like I  wasn’t doing a damn thing and was pretty vacant. I wonder what it means, or if the universe was being kind.