The toenail post

June 17, 2008

Thank you for your ideas guys, there are LOTS of them, and as I promised, I will get to each and every single one of them, and I think it will be easiest to go in order. So, with that, we start first with Melody’s question about why someone would want press on toenails. First, the photographic evidence:

See, they really do exist. I only even saw them because when we go “sport shopping” at big box stores just for the pleasure of seeing all the shit that one could buy if they so wanted to, my femme wife demands we make a stop in the make-up and hair care aisles. I usually don’t have a problem with this (as long as she doesn’t take too long) and I will admit to enjoying getting to help the nail polish color selection process move along.

And then I saw these press-on toenails. For whatever reason toes have become big business. I guess I didn’t really get that pedicures existed until I married a femme. I mean, I’d gotten one, once, like 6 years ago before a wedding that I thought I might wear sandals (glorified flip flops)at and wanted to make sure my feet looked good. And as I wasn’t really ever friends with girly-girls in high school, the idea of doing stuff like this with them wasn’t really there. Maybe it was happening, maybe it wasn’t. I’ll never know.

I do know that as flip flops become more acceptable in the work place (I actually hate this, but I digress) women (and some men) decided that their raggedy toenails needed to look great too. And for some nail company, opportunity knocked, and so I present to you the press on toenail. What interested me most is that they weren’t any great color except this “dead flesh” type French manicure thing.

I can’t imagine anyone actually using these. I think it’s gross enough that there are press on fingernails. But I think those are gross because not too long ago after a drag show one got caught in a friends hair and we didn’t notice it till the next day. Gross. Uck. Now I’m grossed out all over again.

The funniest part about the cosmetics aisle trip in Walm*art is that S found this perfect tube of glittery silver eye liner that she HAD to have. Had too. And as much as I hate putting $$ into the Walm*rt machine, it really was only $2.47 (none of their prices end in round numbers…interesting) so I was like “whatever.”

Anyway, we shopped for a while longer, and left, and it wasn’t till HOURS later when she reached into her pocket looking for a cell phone that she realized that she had, ahem, lifted the eyeliner. I am married to a petty thief. I should probably send them a check, right?


  1. I have this weird thing about toenails. I cannot have any lip of a nail, as in any overhand at all. If I have a nail past the front end of my toe it gives me the heebeegeebees (no clue on spelling that). I wore fake nails (fingers) years ago but not anymore but as for toes, I have no idea why but ick!!!

  2. I’m trying to think what the guy equivalent would be. Lee Press On Biceps? Look over here, you just got a free ticket to the gun show! At least until the glue wears off. I thought we had reached the zenith of cosmetic absurdity with Self-Tanning Cream. Apparently I was wrong.

  3. That is just too creepy.

  4. I don’t understand how they stay on for any reasonable length of time. I used fake nails in high school a couple of times, and those things fly off if you flip the page of your book. And what’s underneath when they fall off? Nasty crusty yellowish glue. Plus, your toe nails are going to look twice as thick, and you know folks are going to be thinking you need some L@mis!l.

  5. but do they come with stickers??? like are those flowers in the box things you can put on your toes?

  6. I love that you’re writing so much. I should do what you did so I can have some inspiration to write.

    Those are the grossest things ever. And I heard that french manicured toenails are tacky even when they’re real.

  7. OMIGOD. Those toenails are to die for.

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