Archive for March, 2008



March 16, 2008

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Protected: Meltdown

March 16, 2008

Last night I ate my last meal of questionable origin for a while. I hope.  But before I get there there was some HUGE stuff and I need to get it out there so bear with me.

I came home from work on Friday excited about spending the evening with S, who was making burritos, and then we were going to get pie in celebration of pi day. Sounds wonderful right?

I get home and put my stuff down and well, basically S decides then to tell me that she’s not actually sure she wants to do the IVF this time around, and that she’s not excited about it, and that she’s been waiting for the past 6 months or so to GET excited about it but it just hasn’t happened yet. And could we wait another month.  Mind you, she’s watched me get in gear for the past 2 months, be on BCP’s for 5 weeks, AND did I mention I’m supposed to start Lupron the NEXT day? And that we have a ton of donated medications in our fridge? And a bazillion (ok, not that much) dollar check on its way from our kind benefactor? And lengthy calenders already printed out by nurse wonderful? And retrieval/transfer days? And that we have a therapy appointment this week so that we can handle the emotional side of this cycle better. And that I’ve got acupuncture set up for this week because what the hell, why not.  Yeah. All of this. Ready to go. And she chose Friday night to tell me.

Because even though she didn’t want to break my heart she felt that she had to be honest with me. My feelings kind of were like, well you had MONTHS to be honest with me, and now was the time that sucking it up and dealing might have been prudent. But breaking me was not actually in her plans, though that’s kind of what happened in the moment.
So, basically I had a meltdown. I left the house for an hour to drive and cry and look at the ocean. I came home not sure of much but knowing that making a family was one of the fundamental cornerstones on which our relationship was created, and I had made some decisions about this cycle that well, were perhaps not going to make S happy.  I had decided that I was going to do the cycle with or without her help. And if she didn’t get on board well, then I was going to deal with that.

And I got home and told her so. And continued to have a huge gigantic meltdown, because she kept saying a lot of the things that she was saying before, and before I knew it all I wanted to do was leave. I mean, I was so hysterical and hurt and there was NOWHERE I could go because I didn’t want anyone to know how awful S was being because I didn’t want people to think poorly of her – at one point I think I said this, actually.  And she was going to call my sister to be with me and explain how big of an asshole she was being but that I needed her – and I still wouldn’t let her do that.

During this whole time of snot and crying and in the background of my head thinking “I can’t believe we’re going to break up tonight,” because I’ve/we’ve NEVER had anything like this ever come up and it was so calm and surreal, like no yelling, just talking and crying, etc and then even beyond the background of my head thinking, “this is so stupid, there’s got to be a real explanation, finally, FINALLY S calms down a bit and tells me that she’s scared.

She’s scared of another dead baby. She’s scared of a real baby. She’s scared of having her life change. And I get this.  And slowly, through hysterical sobs we get down to the point that this is what her road block is, and not that she doesn’t want to go through with it. That one more month of waiting isn’t going to do anything, and that she wants a family with me more than anything but that she’s scared. And that she’s sorry for ruining everything and by now she’s the one who is a bawling snot mess.

By the end of the whole ordeal we’ve both got KILLER headaches. But we also have a plan. We’re going to do this cycle, together, and deal with the scared.

There’s a side story here, too. As you all know, S is anemic. And she’s been on bcp’s for quite some time to keep her from bleeding. Well, she must be the bionic woman or something because last week she started bleeding through the pill. Like, a lot. So her doc put her on 2 pills. And actually, they’re making her kind of crazy and we didn’t even realize this when we started talking on Friday.  Seriously. I dont’ want to get all away from my feminist self but these pills have made her kind of the crazy in a big way. And very emotional, and irrational and dealing with things in ways she usually doesn’t.  So we’ve had real conversations about this too, and while we NEEDED to have the conversation we had on Friday, there was probably a much much better way to go about it, but….she couldn’t figure out a way to make that happen and so it happened as it did.

Yeah, I know, I usually don’t get all personal and emotional with you all but, I needed to get it out. So thanks for your ears.  We’re doing fine now. Really. I mean there’s still lots of talking but we’re feeling really close with each other and got dressed up for a special date night yesterday.
As for the meal? Oysters on the half shell with lemon and horseradish. MMMmmmm. Lupron started last night, the injection was so anti-climatic, though I have a feeling that this entire cycle is going to feel like that a little bit too.

Here goes nothing.


travel blog 3

March 12, 2008

How I spent my winter vacation

As much as I loved driving them around the track myself, it was WAYYYY more fun to let the professional race car drivers let it out on the track. Like a very very very long roller coaster ride at speeds I’d never ever attempt on my own.


travel blog 2

March 12, 2008

There’s lots to say about what’s going on, but I’m not quite ready to write about that yet. I will say, the view is pretty nice from my room:

It’s balmy and breezy out…and quite nice. I took a little walk after dinner and saw a very odd large bird with a long neck that kind of came out of nowhere and scared the crap out of me.


travel blog 1

March 11, 2008

There is a Jamba Juice and free wi-fi in the Charlotte NC airport.

I could live here.


one of the gayest things ever

March 9, 2008

Is playing American Idol on the Wii.

It is also one of the most fun things ever.

Especially after a few glasses of wine.

I invite you all to come and play. Especially JB.


be my friend?

March 6, 2008

Ok, so I’m not that desperate however I will be on a work related trip to West Palm Beach Florida next week. I’m told I’ll have quite a bit of free time on one of my evenings there – anyone out there around for a drink, or know of cool places to go (alone, and not familiar with) in WPB?