i tear my heart open just to feel

Truth of the matter is, no matter how calm or nonchalantly I express myself during this cycle, the reality is that there is a tremendous amount riding on it, and I’m starting to feel that.  Or rather, I’m starting to LET myself feel that, and that’s okay.  I’ve been thinking so many different thoughts over the past two weeks, as this IVF cycle has really ramped up and I guess as today is likely “trigger” day, it’s all coming to a head here, now.

I’m scared this won’t work. I’m scared it will. I want it to so very very much. I’d like to not fail. I’d like to not lose a very very expensive gamble.  I’ve had 6 ultrasounds and blood draws in the past seven days. S is injecting me with medications multiple times every evening. The eggs are growing. There are a good number of them, but not a scary, OHSS number. My e2 levels have been low but they are steadily climbing and I’ve been both calmed and encouraged at the news Nurse Wonderful feeds me every afternoon, which is good, because I often feel discouraged after the ultrasounds.  One part of me wants the zillion eggs PCOS’r’s are supposed to get. The other part of me knows how much my clinic has my back, and is doing there damndest to keep me safe and healthy. I also will take quality over quantity every time. So if we get 14 perfect, well developed eggs, I’ll take that over 35 crappy ones. It’s also somewhat nice to know that my OHSS risk is lower and that they are serious about watching for it. 

Using a smaller clinic has it’s benefits, not only more individualized care and a higher success rate (probably because of the detailed care) but I feel like everyone from my Dr, nurse, sonographer, and phlebotomist all know me a little bit, and really care about me when they ask about my progress. This is certainly a comfort.

I feel like I have so so much support from family and friends. Starting with my wife. She’s been so amazing – I don’t even have words to go into it.  As has my mom, checking up on me almost daily, asking if I want her to come up and be with me during retrieval/transfer time. I’ve said “no thanks,” but the sentiment was much appreciated. My sister will be the best aunt ever, this I am sure of. As much as I joke about and tease her, I am certain she will likely be the best aunt in the world history of aunts and deep down I’m so so glad that she will be around in the next few weeks to be here for tears of joy, or sadness.

My friends have been incredible support as well. There’s one local friend who has been so amazing to both S and I during this time that I don’t even have the words to thank her, I just hope that I can find some, and soon, as she’s made this uncertain time easier for both of us, and has taken great care of us as well.  I also have great thanks for those friends who check in with phone calls and emails, and who I know include us in their daily prayers and meditations. Most importantly, I guess, is that every time we do our injections in the evening I think of, and silently thank those women who donated their leftover medications to us. I think with great hope of the possibility that these drugs that I’m using have the potential to have helped create 4 (or more if I can pass them on) miracles and dreams come true. This is a pretty amazing thought, to me, anyway.

Weird coincidence things are starting to occur and I’m trying to not read into them. It looks like my transfer day will be my father’s birthday.  We’d be getting our beta numbers just before Rosh Hashanah. Does this mean anything? I don’t know. I don’t usually believe in superstition, but it seems like in times like these, the mind wants to grasp onto whatever it can as hope, or a sign, or just…something special.  My sister says that she’s “doing the secret” for us and this baby and that she already knows that she’s going to be an aunt next year.  I don’t think I believe in that but it can’t hurt to have more people rooting for us, can it?

Also creeping into my thoughts is my relationship with G-d. I can’t ever remember a time when I prayed for something that would benefit me directly. This kind of makes me feel weird, but I also think there’s never been a better time to ask for something for myself.  I’m always asking G-d to watch over my family and friends and to keep my loved ones safe. I’ve never asked to be watched over myself. 

So, kids, that’s about it. I know, it’s rare that I just…open up like this, but I know that those who know me, or have been long time readers have probably felt like I’ve been leaving stuff out. And I have. I haven’t been talking about the process, or how my scans have been, or what being injected is like for me. I’m sorry, but I’m probably just guarding my heart and head from the possible let down. Though I’m slowly realizing that either way, either outcome, I’m going to need “your” support. Which is funny, isn’t it? I mean I know pretty much no one locally who knows what this is like. Very few (though to be fair, the one I know who has gone through this has been wonderful with her advice, thanks R) who I can say “come over and eat dinner and talk with me about this, and how it was for you.”  And having all of you is better than just having one of “them.”

Thanks for being my support.