Fixation

I have a secret to tell….

Well, after 4 years, 500 posts, thousands of comments….and not really reaching the “goal” (yet) I’ve started another blog. I’m not leaving you, don’t worry, I just feel like I need to come clean because well, I feel like I’m cheating on you.

This new blog matches my love for all things men’s fashion and my butch take on how to make it all work, especially for people who were socialized female. It’s got pretty much absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog, at all, (except for those two “Sharp Dressed Man” posts I did a year ago that were really well received) and is a nice little outlet for my narcissistic tendencies.

Don’t fret. I’ll still write here. I just don’t have much to write right now about a life that feels fairly blissful, save for one thing.

So, feel free to stop by, or pass it along to any you think might like:

Introducing, The Sartorial Butch!

 

better than ice cream

Bullet point post time:

*I think that I may need to start linking people on my sidebar again. I feel like you might feel neglected because I’ve never really set this site up. I know that my IVP folks have kept along with me and there are bunches of new hits but you know I’d love to show link love. That could be a weekend project. Though, now that I’ve said it, I’m sure I will fail at this. Shocker.

*Laptop burglary sting on the hill. My house didn’t escape. Bad news, bye bye macbook. Good news, insurance,  new locks, deadbolt, and macbook pro.

*Fall is here and I need new clothes because nothing fits. This is a good thing. I am now a Mens M and sometimes S in sweaters. Neat.

*I haven’t been to the gym for a hard workout in two weeks. I have walked a zillion miles with Casco but I need to start doing more again. Must find time.

*I have the worlds best dog. Seriously. When the vet found out that I’d adopted her from a shelter he said “you hit the shelter dog jackpot.” She’s that good. LOVES kids, especially 2 y/o A, who likes to “walk” her around the house. Loves dogs, especially M, the dog of my dog walker. Yes, I have a dog walker. On my long work days Casco gets a long mid-day walk, or an excursion to run at the park. She needs this kind of exercize or else, well, it’s noticable. Not in a bad way or anything but she’s way more hyped up if she’s not given a run.  She also can fetch, knows her name, and comes with a whistle call, or her name. We have just about perfected “sit.” I am completely in love with this dog. Proof:

*I’m also in love with a girl. Things continue to be very very sweet with noname. I need to get over this noname bs soon. I’ll find something that fits, soon.  I admit that I’m a little sad that I don’t get to sleep at her house anymore because of Casco, and sometimes it’s hard for her to stay at my house. Things will work out in time, and neither one of us wants to force anything but the truth is, I miss her when she’s not around.

*Work continues to be work. Things are still pretty good, but I find it harder to be enthusiastic about the work I’m doing. I mean, I love the people I work with and g-d knows I love the money.  But I’m just not so fond of the “work” part of it anymore. We’ll see.

*Speaking of money – this is the first month since we broke up where I’m actually going to….stretch to make ends meet. I mean, there were about $2000 of weird expenses (deductable for new laptop, broken tooth, etc) and Casco set up wasn’t cheap but it was do-able. I’m just thankful that well, I have good credit. I just wanted to get more out of debt, not further in it. It’ll be ok, bonus time is coming up as is tax time, and things will get more even keeled in the financial sector of life.

*I’m becoming better friends with two beautiful women who I don’t think in a million years I would have pegged as people I would be close with.  They have strongish connections to S and A, though perhaps slightly less these days, and were, for me, in my mind,  most certainly in the “lost friend” camp after the break up. But time passes and both of them have offered me great clarity and insight into a lot of things I never considered before, and I think that they’ve both gotten to know the me that I haven’t really been for a long time.  I value them both so much – and they are GREAT advice givers. For serious.  We’re smashing the stereotype that butches and femmes can’t just be friends and, honestly? I’m love love loving them both so much. Life is way more fun with both of them in mine.

*I have a doppleganger. She lives in a state about 1000 miles away. She kind of looks like me and thinks like me and likes the same music I do.  She also has a connection to past people but, fuckit if I haven’t found someone to be friends with who makes me laugh, points out the obvious when I can’t see it, and is happy for my successes and happiness. She makes my days go by much much better-er. Really, there’d be a big big void if she suddenly dissapeared. Or got a job that didn’t allow for chat slackerdom.

*I worry that my happiness isn’t real, that I can’t quite be having as good of a time with life as I am, that a shoe is going to drop and things are going to return to the pit of despair. This is what I’m working most on these days. I’m working on seeing if I can get off the anti-d’s. I’m still working to create a family. I’m still working on strengthening the family I already have. I’m still….really trying and struggling with the feeling like I might not be trying hard enough. Perhaps I’m not, and perhaps I’m not quite in a place where I can just lighten up on myself.

*I am in love with the West Wing. I’ve listened to my sister talk about this show for a year. I’ve listened to noname talk about this show since we started dating. I finally started watching season 1. OMG. SO freaking good. And Stockard Channing. If either of them told me she was on the show I would have started a long time ago.

There you go. This kind of post is what happens when I feel guilty for not posting. I’ll try to be better-er. Really.

Casco

and now i wanna be your dog

Holy heck.

But it was love at first sight. Good with cats, dogs, kids. Incredibly sweet. Fairly trained.

I bring her home Tuesday, barring any paperwork complications.

I’m so done for.

1,2,3,4 5 senses working overtime

I guess I’ve been kind of quiet because well, things have been….I don’t know, just a bit weird, but mostly good? I’m just in a feeling really happy kind of place. I miss Mali, but I’ve also made the decision that I am going to adopt a shelter dog. It’s not something I’m going to rush into but it is in the works, and I can be patient and wait for the right puppy/dog to come along. I’m going to meet some on Saturday and take it from there.

I’ve wanted a dog for a long time. I know that my schedule isn’t the most conducive to dog having but I can work around this. I have a friend who runs a dog walking service, and I can utilize that on my long days and well, I’d really like a canine friend.

We’re day/s away from round two on the baby front. I missed last month due to well, being busy. It was a really busy month. I’m considering boarding the Clomid train again for November and maybe going back on a lower dose of Met to see what happens. I do believe this can happen – and I’m ok w/ IVF again if that’s what I can afford later in the year/early next.

Speaking of early next, I’m in the beginning phases of planning J’s European Vacation.  It will be 9 days in Brussels, Amsterdam, and Paris. Yeah, that’s not a whole lot of time but I think it will be a really nice selection. And honestly, if I am pregnant by then? We can maybe skip Amsterdam because really, what’s the purpose if I’m pregnant.  Do not flame with how wonderful Amsterdam is on it’s own merits, talking about the Anne Frank house or the Van Gogh museum, I know they are there, and I’d love to see both and more of the lovely city but we’ve discussed where my….tendencies lead me and Amsterdam does have that draw for me. I’m going to stop rationalizing now.

The last few weeks were filled with live music and events for me -  Margaret Cho, Rufus Wainwright, Girlyman, Po’ Girl…..all tremendous shows that I’d been looking forward to for a long time. I love the availability of good live entertainment here.

Last weekend I managed to bring ….(I know. I’m working on it) to the Big E. I freaking LOVE the big E.  I’ve written about it before. That’s how much I love it. Two times for the Big E.  We had a great time. It was the first time that … has ever been so we pretty much spent 6 hours walking around eating little bits of everything that you can eat at a huge giant fair and just….having a great time with one of my dearest most loved friends, who I don’t see nearly enough but always have an incredible time with.  It was a great great day.

I could live in the VT State house at the Big E. Cabot cheese, Ben-n-Jerry’s, ice cream, flatbread pizza,  and otter creek beer. What more could you want? Seriously, get me a sleeping bag and I’m so in.  Better than “Night at the Museum,” for sure.

Tonight? I think tonight is going to me about me. The Gilmore Girls. Sewing some buttons on to things that need fixing. Maybe straightening up the studio a bit and getting a jump on that. There’s some big plans in the works and I just want my house in order so that if things happen, well, I’m prepared.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow, due to someone canceling an apt, I’m going to get my tattoo finished. This is good because otherwise it was going to be JUNE before I was able to get in. So. Serendipitous for me.  And also playing with my 2 and 4 year old friends.  And probably making squash/potato gnocchi.

Today was the first sweater vest day of the year.

I love fall in New England. Much.

if it be your will

Welcome to my first foray into not so sober blog writing.

My lizard Mali died today. I’m really sad. He wasn’t really a play with lizard but he was fun to watch and he would eat dandelion greens out of my hand which was maybe the cutest thing ever.

I called S to help me out. She’s promised for years that she would take care of dead animals. And she lived with Mali for 6 years. And she really wanted to visit him before he died (i’d had some inklings that he wasn’t doing well) but didn’t make it so. yeah. I’m really sad actually. He made it not so lonely.

And then I went out and many scotches later I’m home. and sad. and somewhat alone.

I”ll miss you.

i’ve got your shadow it’s on my heart

Right now my life is my favorite mark of punctuation: the interrobang.

Everything is so exciting and fairly wonderful that I take it all in with the question of “is this really happening?” But yeah. I guess it is.

Of course there’s the not so pretty side of life and work and love and friendship but that’s always going to be there, right?

So forgive the…..sweeping of anything negative away while I enjoy the interrobang.

And um. I’m feeling a new tattoo coming on. Just sayin’.

try to be more assured, try to be more right there, try to be less uptight, try to be more aware

Shana Tova! Happy New Year! Welcome to 5770. My promise to myself is to do my best to focus on the positive, and to be as positive as I can possibly be in this new year. I’m going to eschew the negative, keeping those energies out of my day to day. I’m going to continue to work on both my mental and physical health and be as strong as I can be in both areas. I’m going to spend more time figuring out how I can be a better friend, daughter, sister, and partner. I’m going to try to continue to figure out how I best communicate and continue to recognize when and why I break down in that cycle. I’m going to do my best to let people love me without fear and reservation. This year is going to be about love and hope, and not about sadness, depression, and negativity.

I’ve spent the last few months preparing for this year – the actual change in dates being a marker of time, a marker of where I am in the process. Falling in love has never quite been such a shock to my system before. Probably because I wasn’t expecting it with…..(still no nickname.) I mean really not expecting it. Ever. I’ve known her for years. It’s the first time I’ve ever been involved with someone who I knew and loved as a friend, first. It is a little bit strange, but in some ways tremendous – because I know who she is – like really is. I know, without a doubt at all how badly she’d like to have a family. I know how wonderful she is with children – how they seem to just…flock to her with some sort of weird kid magnetism. She could be exhausted, sick, whatever, and STILL somehow have the ability to play with, swing, or sing to a child who wants her attention. It amazes me.

She lavishes this affection on me as well. It amazes me all the time how much patience she has for me and all of my hiccups. She knows how cautious I am about jumping into things, and she knows how badly I’ve been hurt. She’s been in that bad place too. I know where her weaknesses are, and her issues, and she knows mine and we’ve both agreed that they’re things we can deal with and work through together. She knows what my intentions for my life are, what I want and desire, and she also knows that I don’t make promises lightly. She understands my hesitation and reservations and just says that she’ll just have to continue to show me and tell me. Amazing.

She continues to surprise me with day excursions and adventures and well…I’m just terribly smitten and falling (ok, fell) and focusing on us – but also remembering who I am and what makes ME happy as a person – which, I think, is going to do me well in my future. I’m remembering to take time for me and my friends and continuing to explore and cultivate new friendships and connections as well.

I’m going to enjoy the life that working hard affords me. As much as I don’t particularly love the work I do, I DO love the people I work with, and I do like the money part, quite a bit, and will continue to use it to do things that fill my heart and soul with happiness, while also being slightly more responsible about saving for the future.

I will continue to pursue my dreams of becoming a parent. I will not be discouraged or negative about this anymore. It’s not just a shot in the dark, it will happen, and I will continue to not. stress. about the process.

I will focus on spending the next year continuing the growth that I’ve begun and being the best person that I can. I’m grateful for all that I have, and for the opportunities and good fortune I have to be in a position where I can reflect like this, and strive for excellence in my life.

What are your goals for the new year? What are you grateful for?

and you got me wanting you

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. I’m surprisingly nonchalant about it. I had a moment before I went to bed last night where the tears started, out of frustration mostly.

Part of it has been that A has well, just not seemed to be able to be respectful of me or my boundaries lately, and I called her on it, via letter, this week. I think I was pretty clear and am hoping that my point was made and that well, she gives me the space I’ve asked for. I really need it – I’m not in a place where contact with her is good for me.

As for S? I’m more forgiving for her, I think. I was in love with her for a long time, and as badly as she hurt me, my forgiveness factor is higher. Additionally, she seems to have respect enough for me to be somewhat quiet about what her relationship is like (as am I, with the relationship I’m in) so that I’m not constantly poked with needles about it – which is what kills me about A’s behavior.

And truth be told? They were both jackasses. Or, as my new favorite word for jackasses, douchenozzles. But I allowed myself to be treated badly for a long time and I’ll take ownership of that.

But I’ll also own the changes I’ve made. Which, for the most part are really really good. I am able to understand my emotions and feelings and can accurately describe them to other people. I’m following my dreams and desires. I’m clear-headed most of the time. I’m physically healthy, and getting more-so every day.

As for my heart? Well, my heart is being cautious but trusting. It’s also still on my sleeve, raw and beating. But she (I know, I need something to call her) has enveloped me in a sweater of love and sweetness, the kind that I’ve never worn before – and I’m finding that it fits me very well.